The Couples Tool Kit
Working together as a team of three — by Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., Specialist in Couples TherapyArchive for Admit Imperfection
Finding Love Over Fifty Online?
Can Dreams Come True After Fifty-Two? I am hearing a lot lately about older folks meeting up and partnering or even marrying, happily and in many cases, unexpectedly. Unexpected in that either they had been searching for years with no results, or surprisingly lucky when they began their search to find the perfect mate. Perfect in mutuality. Both partners recognized a match, not the see saw ups and downs of younger couples where one is ready, the other not yet. Or one is pursuing, the other pursued. Older matches often eliminate the “tag you’re it” gamesmanship of youth.
Lying On The Internet And Other Ploys To Find Love: The New York Times had a piece on dating sites for “mature” adults in their fifties and up who have thrust themselves into the online search for companionship that their children had been visiting for years. The article written by Stephanie Rosenbloom, is aptly named “Second Love At First Click” and includes the latest statistics on internet dating amongst the older set with anecdotal evidence that it is working, love can be found and equally important, companionship. What makes this article worthy of mentioning is first, there is hope, and second, promoting yourself on a dating site when you are past your “prime” can be a more honest journey, frankly, from my vantage point. I have been privy, as most of us have, to folks confessing to shaving off years from their age on their profiles. Some of it, as one friend explained, is a tactic to pull in a specific age range. But the other motive seems to be in the service of keeping denial of age alive because older is seen as so unsexy. And isn’t sexy what people are looking for? Really?
Boob Jobs and Hair Dye: For the ladies, advertising that you are 49 when you are 59 probably requires some Botox, a face-lift and perhaps a boob job. For the men, at least some hair dye if not a daily work out at the local gym and regular tooth whitening services. Marketing yourself as attractive is no doubt essential at any age. But when the strain is to appear “hot”, then “hot” is what will be looking for you. Someone in heat, who sees the promise of sexual delight in the offing. Yet for many women and men, sexual delight though always nice, has become less critical over the years with the ebbing of hormones and the deepening awareness of the importance of kindness, companionship, shared interests and trust, either because they learned to value these components in a prior relationship, or realized they were lacking in their previous Coupledom, sadly or tragically lacking.
Market With Your Heart, Not Your Fears Or Fantasies: Viagra certainly has shifted dating for the post-fifty set. Perhaps not all for the good. Men who are recently freed from Coupledom ties, either by death, divorce or a break-up, can embark on a second adolescence, this time with money in their pockets, wheels, no curfews and Viagra in their pill case. Women who have enlarged or reduced their breast area, capped their teeth, or lost twenty pounds may also want to strut their stuff or prove that though someone else traded them in for a younger version, they still “have it.” When women market themselves as “hot”, the fellows who are emboldened, some for the first time, with male performance confidence, hear the lure of the sirens calling from the rocky shores. What a set up. The drive to rework old injuries or redress wrongs or reinvent a self image still bruised from an adolescence long past can produce some pretty humiliating and hurtful dating moments. Instead it would seem more useful and truthful to aim for the folks out there who are looking for what you are truly longing for. If it is sex, then advertise hot. If it is companionship, respect, trust and fun, then provide honesty, affirm interests, describe values but don’t manipulate the outcome based on presumptions of what others out there are looking for. If you want illusion, go to the cinema. If you want reality, own yours and ask for someone else’s. No rabbit in a hat here.
That “Perfect”-ly Human Person: What makes these later-in-life Coupledoms work is that truth about oneself is the cornerstone of trust. Respect for ones needs, attributes and interests means no longer needing to hide or disguise to another what is truly you. The psychological significance of becoming truly yourself, rather than a contrivance of what you imagine, or the culture sells and tells you will be attractive to others, is the greatest asset of all in finding that perfect person with whom to spend the next chapter of your life. That “Perfect”-ly human person that is.
Warning: Before you begin your search, get right with yourself. No need for shame, nor veils nor smoke screens anymore. That is the upside of maturity, so enjoy it.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
The Coupledom: Is It Too Late?
Inspiration: This post was inspired by a friend. He calls it “Nurture the Coupledom.” He and his wife arranged for their child to be left with grandparents for her first overnight to enable them to ”go out”, as in a “date.” I could hear his pride both in his daughter’s readiness for this big step and in being that couple who cares for itself.
Too Late? In contrast, many of the couples who come into my office have been married for years and years, raising children, paying bills, and losing their Coupledom each step of the way. It gets a back burner position to work, kids, house cleaning, in-laws, volunteer jobs, girlfriends and golf dates. Is it too late? Sometimes it is.
Ego: Western society has been celebrated and chastised for being the culture of I: narcissistic or egoistic or egotistical. Baby formula is mixed with vitamin success, personal achievement, and self-expression. When we partner, we convert the I into we, but a we that includes a very ambitious I.
Here’s the story: We meet, we marry, we agree on career choices and numbers of children, more or less. And then it all spirals out of control. why? We get caught up with the I: “bread-winner” I, mothering I, community I, overworked I, angry I, sexually frustrated I, overweight I. And the “us” which is not easy for us “westerners” in the best of circumstances, devolves into an unrecognizable “it” that doesn’t work anymore.
And Your Point? Don’t wait! Couples come in after ten, fifteen, twenty years of feeling disengaged or enraged. This slow-growing mold accrues over time, slips in between the bed sheets, oozes into the walls while you are busy being a “family” but not a couple. I know this is easy to say but hard to do. Someone in The Coupledom is sending out distress signals, even verbalizing “we are in trouble;” perhaps it is a whisper or just a thought never shared, or one of The Coupledom called a therapist, made an appointment but the partner refused to go.
Groans of Regret: Scared, you bet, so nothing happens. Or he goes but she won’t. So only so much can really change. Or they both go but neither likes the therapist. “Waste of time and money.” Fine. But don’t stop. There are lots of therapists out there. It is money, they say, or magical thinking (it will get better when the kids leave, we get richer, I lose weight, he loses weight, the mother-in-law moves out, we move back home), or fear that “I will get blamed, be less able to defend, have to acknowledge an addiction, an affair; the kids will find out and get scared.” I have heard so many groans of regret in my office: “If only we had done this ten years ago.”
Nurture the Coupledom: Too late are two of the saddest words we can utter as a Coupledom. If one of you, one I, thinks there is a problem, then there is a problem. One I is all you need to have an unhappy coupledom. Don’t dismiss. Fix.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Stereotyping The Coupledom
Stereotyping Your Partner: One marvels at the power of gender stereotyping in The Coupledom, that domicile in which the relationship resides. Years, even decades into a marriage, partners interpret behaviors in the language of expected gender norms. Often these interpretations are inaccurate and create emotional distance rather than facilitate connectedness.
Dismissive or Disengaged? At the top of the list for many a female partner is the seeming lack of interest demonstrated by their husband around the day-to-day life of wife and children. Whether they travel or are local for work, many men are viewed as less than present, often dismissive of the minutia and emotion that goes into mundane life.
Disappointed and Critical: Adjectives ascribed by males to their wives behaviors seem to rest on a notion that “wives are hard to please”, and often disappointed with their spouses. Many a male has looked at me with despair after once again, his wife has described him as deficient in some area.
Peeling Away The Layers of Stereotyping and Projecting: There is an art to going beneath the surface to find the layers of meaning in behavior. In couples’ work, this art involves giving each partner the time and patience to self-explore and explain the inner workings of their mind, to their partner. Why is this so necessary? Because of the inclination to stereotype and project. We tend to read each other more like a paperback novel than a multifaceted human being who can harbor more than one emotion, motivation or opinion at the same time. We tend to ignore the possibility that what we view as causal is just one possible explanation of our partner’s behavior, and not the only one. We tend to “close the book” on additional interpretations. And we tend to be incurious! Worst of all.
Disclaimer: Forgive me for much of what I am about to write may seem like the pot calling the kettle black. I will be “generalizing” and “stereotyping” from clinical experience. Whatever doesn’t fit, throw out. Take away what is useful and leave the rest.
Male Avoidance: A husband decides it is best to say as little as possible whenever he thinks that his wife will get upset. Consequently he has spent decades concealing his reactions to family life. His wife, unable to read his mind, sees this behavior as disinterest and uncaring. Hurt and bewildered by this disconnect, she withdraws as well. Both describe years of walking on eggshells. Deeper exploration uncovers a strongly held belief system left over from his childhood: “You are a bad person if you make someone you love unhappy.” Therefore, choosing compliance over anticipated “conflict” becomes a way of life. Information is withheld that could trigger a less than happy response (often a projection), and outsiders become confidants instead of his spouse. When he can no longer keep the emotional exchange at bay, he cuts it off. Why? He is overwhelmed with feeling like a bad person, guilt ridden and secondarily angry that “his wife” has made him feel this way. What had appeared as rejection and disinterest is in fact a fearful relic of a young boy’s world, desperately needing airing and updating to the world of the grown man he is today who can disagree, even with someone he loves, and not be bad for doing so.
Critical Wives: A husband is baffled by his wife’s constant attacks on him. She strikes out at him frequently with harsh words that make no sense to him, blaming him for financial hardship and failures as a wage earner, though they both are hard workers in a recession. He sees her as impossible to please, irrational and even cruel. No matter what he does, she is never happy with him. Another female impossible to please, and emotionally overwrought. In the therapy, the layers are peeled away to reveal many frightening moments in her childhood, where she was unprotected and at the mercy of a helpless mother and raging father. Money, earning it and having it, became a surrogate shield for true parental protection and comfort. In the session, that little girl made an appearance, which allowed her husband, perhaps for the first time, to see how frightened she was and why dry reasoning never touched the place that needed the comforting touch. In turn, she had glimpsed at how her childhood trauma colored her perceptions and treatment of her husband today.
Gender Predisposition? Biology and our culture demand it: men are cowboys and soldiers; women are mothers and movie stars. Men lean towards the coolness of fact; women bend towards the warmth of feeling. But each woman, each man, and each feeling is unique. Each disconnect has its multifaceted roots. There are more reasons than one; more emotions than you are with me or against me.
Simplistic Conclusions Are The Devil’s Work: The Coupledom, that domicile that holds the us of us, can be a challenge to make safe and solid. A black and white palate has no place here. We decorate in multiple shades, tones and textures, lots of layers of the you and of the me. Knee jerk assumptions of the other’s motives, feelings and beliefs are dangerous. Better to take the time to go under the surface of typical notions and become true intimates, heart and soul.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Stereotyping The Coupledom
Stereotyping Your Partner: One marvels at the power of gender stereotyping in The Coupledom, that domicile in which the relationship resides. Years, even decades into a marriage, partners interpret behaviors in the language of expected gender norms. Often these interpretations are inaccurate and create emotional distance rather than facilitate connectedness.
Dismissive or Disengaged? At the top of the list for many a female partner is the seeming lack of interest demonstrated by their husband around the day-to-day life of wife and children. Whether they travel or are local for work, many men are viewed as less than present, often dismissive of the minutia and emotion that goes into mundane life.
Disappointed and Critical: Adjectives ascribed by males to their wives behaviors seem to rest on a notion that “wives are hard to please”, and often disappointed with their spouses. Many a male has looked at me with despair after once again, his wife has described him as deficient in some area.
Peeling Away The Layers of Stereotyping and Projecting: There is an art to going beneath the surface to find the layers of meaning in behavior. In couples’ work, this art involves giving each partner the time and patience to self-explore and explain the inner workings of their mind, to their partner. Why is this so necessary? Because of the inclination to stereotype and project. We tend to read each other more like a paperback novel than a multifaceted human being who can harbor more than one emotion, motivation or opinion at the same time. We tend to ignore the possibility that what we view as causal is just one possible explanation of our partner’s behavior, and not the only one. We tend to “close the book” on additional interpretations. And we tend to be incurious! Worst of all.
Disclaimer: Forgive me for much of what I am about to write may seem like the pot calling the kettle black. I will be “generalizing” and “stereotyping” from clinical experience. Whatever doesn’t fit, throw out. Take away what is useful and leave the rest.
Male Avoidance: A husband decides it is best to say as little as possible whenever he thinks that his wife will get upset. Consequently he has spent decades concealing his reactions to family life. His wife, unable to read his mind, sees this behavior as disinterest and uncaring. Hurt and bewildered by this disconnect, she withdraws as well. Both describe years of walking on eggshells. Deeper exploration uncovers a strongly held belief system left over from his childhood: “You are a bad person if you make someone you love unhappy.” Therefore, choosing compliance over anticipated “conflict” becomes a way of life. Information is withheld that could trigger a less than happy response (often a projection), and outsiders become confidants instead of his spouse. When he can no longer keep the emotional exchange at bay, he cuts it off. Why? He is overwhelmed with feeling like a bad person, guilt ridden and secondarily angry that “his wife” has made him feel this way. What had appeared as rejection and disinterest is in fact a fearful relic of a young boy’s world, desperately needing airing and updating to the world of the grown man he is today who can disagree, even with someone he loves, and not be bad for doing so.
Critical Wives: A husband is baffled by his wife’s constant attacks on him. She strikes out at him frequently with harsh words that make no sense to him, blaming him for financial hardship and failures as a wage earner, though they both are hard workers in a recession. He sees her as impossible to please, irrational and even cruel. No matter what he does, she is never happy with him. Another female impossible to please, and emotionally overwrought. In the therapy, the layers are peeled away to reveal many frightening moments in her childhood, where she was unprotected and at the mercy of a helpless mother and raging father. Money, earning it and having it, became a surrogate shield for true parental protection and comfort. In the session, that little girl made an appearance, which allowed her husband, perhaps for the first time, to see how frightened she was and why dry reasoning never touched the place that needed the comforting touch. In turn, she had glimpsed at how her childhood trauma colored her perceptions and treatment of her husband today.
Gender Predisposition? Biology and our culture demand it: men are cowboys and soldiers; women are mothers and movie stars. Men lean towards the coolness of fact; women bend towards the warmth of feeling. But each woman, each man, and each feeling is unique. Each disconnect has its multifaceted roots. There are more reasons than one; more emotions than you are with me or against me.
Simplistic Conclusions Are The Devil’s Work: The Coupledom, that domicile that holds the us of us, can be a challenge to make safe and solid. A black and white palate has no place here. We decorate in multiple shades, tones and textures, lots of layers of the you and of the me. Knee jerk assumptions of the other’s motives, feelings and beliefs are dangerous. Better to take the time to go under the surface of typical notions and become true intimates, heart and soul.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
The Secret To A Happy Marriage: Self-Expansion
A Tip To Start The Coupledom Off On The Right Foot in 2011: The sum of one partner part plus one partner part equals two partner parts: No! Not if you follow the research. In fact, as mentioned in previous posts, optimal bonding in The Coupledom should lead to a much greater, broader entity…the combined interests and acumen of two entities provides a greater shot at Coupledom happiness. Humans, it seems, want to grow and learn. Wow! Now this is good news for the New Year.
Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship. AHA! Tara Parker Pope’s column (see link) in the December 31st New York Times describes research findings indicating that humans have an intrinsic desire to be stimulated by the new, and relationships that are stretched by the interests of the other, lead to greater satisfaction in The Coupledom.
Feathers and The New York Times: Difference has always appealed to me. Yet, in that regard, I often find many other folk speak of “same” as a virtue. And so in The Coupledom both are useful. I prefer the word “similar” to same, less tightly wound. Similar values are good. Similar background, maybe yes, maybe no. Depends on how it is “used”. But difference plus curiosity can equal self-expansion. How affirming to find the research that backs up this view.
New York raised (actually Long Island) my choice of life partner was an Eagle Scout from Maine whose primary passion in our first years together was feathers, specifically feathered fowl, fancy pigeons. Though our professional lives are “similar”, the divergence in our interests ranged from my addiction to the New York Times and Classic fiction and his to pigeon shows and bird farms, where I could be found trekking through pigeon dung up to my whatevers. Other couples stretch their interests culturally, globally and in the fine details as well. The driving force is the willingness to experiment with the interests and energies of your partner. It is not essential that you have equal passions for feathers and the New York Times. That never happened. But boy what I learned and continue to learn about the world through the eyes of my spouse could fill volumes. I leave him to speak for himself.
Humor and Empathy: A complaint raised frequently within these office walls is that husbands fall short in the sensitivity area and wives in humor. Though not always limited to gender, this observation has merit. In the self-expanding coupledom, couples are seen exchanging characteristics as well as interests. The humorless wife develops a more humor full perspective; the insensitive spouse suddenly finds himself listening and understanding feelings, even his own, with new clarity. The partner with the global view benefits from the other’s local/provincial appreciation of life in a small town. But only if he/she is willing to “go there”.
Boredom Is The Child of Rigidity: My New Year’s message is to stretch!. Stretch beyond your “comfort zone”, another of those constructs designed to rationalize fear of failure, or neutralize a kind of lazy view of life. In place of condemning one’s partner for their “weird interests” or silliness, shed the judgments and share the playtime. Stimulation can come in many forms, must be sorted out, and can be found right in our own homes. Try a little of his humor, a bit of her empathy, some of his home-made beer, some of her bath salts. Or ballroom dancing. Never want to leave the U.S. because you don’t speak a foreign language? Do it and watch how you expand your worlds. Can’t stand football? Try one game, wear a super warm coat and stop in at EMS to buy hand warmers. Moving through the circles of long lasting relationships, the ones that give off life and light imbue the characteristics and interests of both participants. They stoke the fires less of love, more a secondary benefit, than those of expanding mutual interest and growth.
Happy New Year to All The Coupledoms, of all genders, all backgrounds and all worlds!
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
“Love Means Never Having To Say You’re Sorry”: Excuse Me?
The Healing Power of Remorse: In the 1970 movie, “Love Story”, the line “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” became universally famous. The movie, based on the eponymous book by Erich Segal, popularized the concept, furthered bolstered by the pop psychology of the era, that true love required an unconditional acceptance of the beloved, regardless of other factors. A false notion indeed. Love in the Coupledom requires far more than the magical wishes of the childish notion of acceptance. In fact, love in the Coupledom is sharply determined by how one is treated in the relationship. Behavior is the measure of love, not words nor wishes.
You Know that I Love You: How do you know that someone actually loves you? Flowers, diamonds, sex and vows. Not quite. It is all in the behaviors. How we treat others really represents not only how we feel about them, but also who we are. The oft stated expression of “You know that I love you honey” typically follows bad behavior. When a member of the Coupledom hurts his/her partner, either by what she/he did or didn’t do, the opportunity for mature love knocks at the door. Healing power moves like a gentle stream through the process of listening to the hurt partner, imagining yourself in their shoes, and genuinely feeling remorse as expressed in the words ” I am so sorry that I hurt you”. Several things are at work here. Conveying understanding and sincere regret that the person you love feels pained by something you said or did not only soothes but may, over time, help to restore trust. Whether it be the betrayal of an affair, or a pattern of forgetting promises, a birthday or picking up the pizza, only a sincere grasp of the meaning of that behavior to your partner can begin the process of healing and attachment so necessary to the Coupledom.
Some Can Do It and Mean It. Some Can’t Do It. Some Can Do It and Don’t Mean It: Which one are you? Which one is your partner? In my work with couples, I am struck by how often this ability is split right down the middle. One member of the Coupledom is the apologizer. The other almost never says the “S” word. One reason seems to stem from the belief that saying you are sorry is admitting that you are bad and the other one is good, a dangerously mistaken notion. Other misconceptions that render harm to the Coupledom are those of winner and loser, a leg up or a leg down, higher and lower ground. Having the edge or losing it. Or simply the embarrassment of having to acknowledge an imperfection….oops, guess I am not perfect after all. Bravo!
Clarification of the “S” Word: Saying that you are sorry is not stating that you are bad. Nor does it make you less, inferior or the loser. Nor is it giving your partner leverage over you. Rather, it expresses an understanding that something you did has caused discomfort or pain to your partner. It doesn’t connote intention to hurt. It connotes understanding and regret. “I am sorry that I forgot to tell you that my mother is coming over tonight”. Underlying that apology can be a new understanding. “I can see that this can look like I didn’t care about your feelings. I am sorry for that and will be sure to give you a heads up next time.” Simple. You are not admitting intention… just the appreciation that your attitude felt hurtful. It is never the detail but the meaning to the partner of that detail.
Competition in The Coupledom: Often a couple develops a competitive attitude towards their interactions, each laying claim to the “good one” position. Sibling-like in its tone, a couple can fight about who does more, cares more or loves more. This is a recurrent theme in the couples that I see and undermines their ability to hear each other and successfully grapple with the impact of their choices on their partner and the Coupledom. Forsaking the rather child like notion of good and bad for the more adult concept of taking responsibility for one’s behavior and also striving to understand the people we care about, moves the Coupledom in the direction of genuine mutual affection and respect.
Sorry Implies a Commitment Not to Do It Again: When the “S” word is used, the significance of regret, remorse or a new understanding of your partner’s feelings has to be followed by future efforts to prevent the repeat of the same injury. Defensive explanations undermine the ability to hear and change. Clearly, feeling blamed for an unintended hurt often compels us to explain that we had no idea. But more to the point is saying “Now I understand what this felt like to you and I won’t do it again”. That lowers walls, shows caring and expands the generosity of emotion so needed by both partners. Remember, there is always a third party to the relationship, the Coupledom, the domicile of the relationship, and protecting it by deepening understanding amongst the members strengthens the entity. Nothing makes it stronger than being able to say you are sorry and mean it. Nothing weakens it more than fighting to prove you are right over striving for mutual understanding.
If The Coupledom is Stalled: When sorry doesn’t mean anything to your partner, it is time to seek expert help. Years of hurt calcify and to chisel down to the softer material of relationship may depend on getting a third party to act as a guide back to attachment and trust. Don’t wait any longer, get help or the Coupledom will shatter into pieces that even all the kings horses and men can not rebuild again.
Stay Tuned for Follow Up Post on Forgiveness and The Coupledom
© jill edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., 2010
