The Couples Tool Kit
Working together as a team of three — by Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., Specialist in Couples TherapyArchive for Conflict
The Passive-Aggressive Punch: The Silent Code of Anger In The Coupledom
Stalemated and Suffering: When The Coupledom (the domicile wherein the relationship resides) reaches a level of pain and powerlessness as a consequence of countless hurts and misunderstandings, a strange pall descends upon it.
Avenues of coping may have been explored: talking, arguing, even seeing a therapist. Perhaps to no avail/relief. Whatever the previous process, couples fall upon the passive-aggressive punch as the unfortunate methodology of choice and an anguished outlet for pain. This is a survival mechanism of sorts for humans, a Darwinian strategy in the psychological realm, to master daunting challenges with new behaviors. And ruptures in relationships qualify as very daunting challenges. However, amongst the many “survival” strategies, the passive-aggressive solution is clearly one of the very worst.
According to Mayo Clinic psychiatrist Daniel K. Hall-Flavin: “Passive-aggressive behavior is a pattern of expressing your negative feelings in an indirect way — instead of openly addressing them.” That succinct definition captures what is so poisonous about this “defense”, it’s indirectness. Similar to some physical illnesses where much remains hidden, undiagnosable, while quietly reeking havoc on the body, relationship disorders can be equally insidious. Only when the symptoms become unbearable might there be a move to diagnose and treat the condition. By that time, someone may have moved out, had an affair, become medically ill or resumed using an addictive substance.
Withholding: A common form of passive-aggressive behavior is withholding: sex, affection, information, conversation. Someone in the Coupledom stops chatting, sharing details of family life; someone refrains from conveying essential data such as appointments, social events, school open houses, soccer games; someone “forgets” to share news about changes at work, relative illnesses……perhaps to create a fight, to let some of the pain ooze out; or to message “you don’t count, you don’t exist in my equation anymore, you show no interest in me, so why should I bring you into my world”. Revenge, retaliation, recalibration of emotions; but it doesn’t work because the true target, the painful rupture in the relationship, remains closeted.
Triangulating: Another highly toxic form of passive-aggressive behavior is triangulation, turning other family members, work colleagues or friends into “confidants” while leaving their partner in the dark. Born out of anger, hurt, or a history of failed attempts to be heard, the partner goes elsewhere to vent, to gain sympathy and perhaps to find approval and justification for their feelings.
A Harbor of Powerlessness: This clandestine yet fairly transparent strategy is futile at best, destructive at worse and often leads to more complicating liaisons or betrayals. Anyone who feeds this strategy becomes a co-conspirator, wittingly or unwittingly, and further damages the Coupledom. Perhaps flattered by feeling “important” or propelled by a healing instinct, the third-party provides a detour in the path towards recovery for the Coupledom.
Oh, The Games People Play! Ignoring text, email and phone messages, leaving tasks unfinished or never begun, lateness, innuendos and sarcasms; all these tricky little devices that folks employ to convey, “hey, I don’t give a ……..how you feel, you hurt me!” are recklessly powerful and hideously provocative. The message is, we can’t talk, we don’t know how to translate these rotten feelings into words that will carry any weight, be heard or understood, so we will act……act-out in such a manner that no one can call us on it. Yet at the same time, the hope is that the partner will figure out the puzzle, “will get it and end this war”. These desperate measures reflect the fear that if hurt or anger is expressed, the partner will minimize their pain, flip it into “your” problem, or explode into flames of outrage. A hateful combination of character assassination, humiliation, rejection or ugliness is anticipated, burying the option of honest dialogue under the rubble of subterranean communication, atmospheric shifts, false notes and big empty spaces.
Pride Goeth Before The Fall: Integrity, pride and self-respect are attributes essential to our feeling of self-worth. On a daily basis we are actively involved, either consciously or unconsciously, in keeping our self worth in working order. When our relationships disrupt this effort, we are activated to remedy the problem; in essence, re-establish our psychological balance. The aim of restoring a healthy balance to our self respect vis a vis a relational disturbance while keeping our “pride” intact is where we run amuck. We often confuse pride with vanity, vulnerability with humiliation, honesty of feeling with shame. In fact, the passive-aggressive strategy of communication is a perfect playground of pride gone array.
An Embargo On Affection: Few shipments of affection, respect or kindness can pass through these chilly waters during the passive-aggressive war. What does get through emotionally bludgeons the Coupledom, leaving scar tissue that over time will thicken with repeated assaults, no truce, and a relationship floundering on the shore.
Call A Truce: Someone speak, name the disorder, own your part and invite your partner to do the same. If there is anger, speak its name. If there is hurt, do the same. And if you need help, find an expert to team up with you to take the passive and the aggressive out of the relationship and bring back the love.
©jill edelman, M.S.W. , L.C.S.W, 2010
Bickering and The Coupledom: Read This Together
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/18/science/earth/18family.html?ref=todayspaper
http://www.nytimes.com/2010/01/19/us/19marriage.html?ref=todayspaper
We are Fighting for…??? Embroiled in battle, couples can tap a useful tool, self inquiry
Self Inquiry: It goes something like this: “Self, what am I trying to win here?” If you come up with an answer along the lines of: ” To prove that I am right” dig deeper. “To prove that my spouse is wrong.” Deeper still. “To prove that I am not the bad one. To prove that my partner is the bad one, the unkind one, the thoughtless one, the selfish one.”
Who let the dog out? Who forget to pay the mortgage? Who drank too much at the party? Who embarrassed whom? Who does more? Who hurts more? Who cares more? Who makes more? Who pays more? Who sacrifices more? Who martyrs more? Who Started It? “
My question: “Who Needs It?” Couples can fight about anything. Absolutely anything. We all do it. But what lies at the root of the battles? What are we fighting for? There is always a reason, often out of awareness, which, when uncovered, gives dignity and emotional significance to what can, on the surface, appear trivial and petty.
Emotional Significance: The major themes that underlie much relationship upset revolve around “worth”, “value” “respect” and “validation”. Our emotional significance to the other. Despite gender differences, men and women are similar in their need to feel acknowledged, respected, and valued.
Self worth is not an island unto itself: In the Coupledom, self worth is deeply influenced by how one perceives they are viewed by the other. Often what solidifies the budding relationship is the mutual feeling of being “special”, desired, respected, and loved. What follows is much more complicated. Through the transactions of daily living, running a life together, a family business of children, sex, money and work, the very glue of mutual respect and love can seem to dry up.
Subjectivity is at the Heart of Human Existence: We all live inside our own skins and base most of our perceptions of the world from that perspective. Our senses are organized to send data to us about how the world is treating us. However, often that very data input is skewed to meet the demands of our system, our emotional history , physical and experiential requirements. For that reason two people telling the so called same story have slight to significant differences in facts and interpretations. Facts sometimes can be checked out but most often rely on memory and therefore carry a very selective component. Frequently, couples battle over the “details” of what “really happened”. This is a wasteful and often poisonous occupation. The “subjectivity” of experience and the selective process of memory suggest that no one wins that battle, not really. Instead inquire into your self for the emotional significance of that interaction. Then you can look for the words that can best describe and explain to your partner what you would like for them to understand.
Bickering Builds Walls: Living “in our own skins” coupled with our lack of clarity of the emotional significance of events, leads to battling blindfolded. Darting about sticking wounds into our partners hither and thither and being stuck. This artless dueling builds walls of wounds and pushes worlds apart.
Remedies: When motivated to battle, stop and think, self inquire. What really hurts here. Is it the repetitive refusal to empty the garbage when requested or have the meal hot on the table when returning from work? The forgotten return phone call, or the bill for the seemingly unnecessary item? Or is it the message that seems written all over these events? And if so, how can I explain that to my partner?
The Vulnerable Stuff: Speaking in the “I” form. “I feel” rather than you do or you did or you did not, immediately shifts the listener’s attention from defensive to empathic. I feel sad or foolish or insignificant or disrespected when this happens. Can you understand that? Sharing the vulnerable stuff, rather than the accusatory, allows the other the option of being in your skin for a moment. Though folks steer away from revealing the softer side, it is the side that leads to empathy. Not hysterics, endless sobbing or wringing of hands. Articulating what is at the heart of the pain. Insults and accusations are unappealing and the least likely choice to draw interest or empathy from the listener. Digging deeper reveals something much more attractive, the origins of that person they first fell for. The vulnerable one who allowed them in. Dig in together to reconnect with that softer part of the Coupledom. (Warning: anything manipulative or insincere will not work).
Beware Damaging Assumptions: Never assume the petty and trivial is all there is to the pain and anger. Never assume that your partner is too macho, too cold, or too callous, to feel hurt. No one has the monopoly on pain. The toughest hombre in town can match vulnerability and bruises with the softest damsel in distress.
Experts at Digging and Self Inquiry: As always, if this process gets stuck seek out an expert who has the tools to guide you both towards self inquiry and shared vulnerability.
©jill edelman,M.S.W., L.C.S.W.
