The Couples Tool Kit
Working together as a team of three — by Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., Specialist in Couples TherapyArchive for Differences
Marital Myths: I Thought I Could Change Him/Her
Chemistry Compromises Clarity: We meet, we spark and we bond. What are the variables that allow folks to desire attaching themselves to someone? Physical attraction is a pretty heady draw but if met with an unappealing personality, a “dud” may not sustain its spark. There are many additional sources of attachment attraction. “We have fun together!” is a popular one. Another endearing but sometimes misleading refrain is “We hung out with the same crowd,” or “All our friends were getting married.” “It seemed like the natural next step.” A personal favorite is “We shared the same values,” often spoken by a couple who actually talked about important life issues before uttering marriage vows. The opposites attract motif, nowadays referred to as the Yin-Yang of choices, draws on the allure of difference, the exotic, the intrigue of mystery, of “otherness” which can serve well to broaden our thinking, our worldliness and tolerance. Or it may simply imply extrovert/introvert, a very popular duo, one the outgoing life of the party; the other, shy, more socially cautious and both benefiting from the other’s style, when that dyad works well.
Sameness: On the other side of the attraction coin is the couple that relishes “sameness.” Similar religious upbringing remains an essential qualification for many Coupledoms. Or alma maters, or shared best friend couples. In combination with physical attraction, this can be a slam dunk for many. Yet sameness can be deceiving when based on just one or two variables or stunting the growth as individuals when relied upon for bonding success.
Psychological Attractions Sneak In: Then there are the subtle messages that sneak in but often don’t get expressed, or even identified until later, much later. These are the psychological attractions, the lure of the knight in shining armor whose unconscious desire is to rescue a damsel in distress. The male or female heart drawn to the role of healing the suffering one: how many nurses in war movies marry their patients? Is it just convenience? Partly, but also the heady pleasure in saving a life or a need to feel powerfully important and crucial to someone’s survival. The adrenaline laced excitement of conquering the player, the flirt, the one no one else could rein in, both affirming one’s power and appeal as well as sexual triumph over competitors. “I won.” Strutting off arm and arm with a trophy that validates superiority, to counter fears of its opposite. Sometimes the very feature that hurt so much in childhood, the aloof and distant manner of an otherwise kind parent can be the very feature that seals the deal in adult mating, the child’s heart unconsciously vowing to change the adult version of the distant parent into someone warm, affirming and adoring.
Chronological & Contextual Based Choices: A plethora of externals jump start bonding such as time running out, the big hand of the biological clock drawing nearer to its last tick, someone going off to war, the “misery loves company” appeal of common professions, shared educational challenges, or just wanting to get out of the parental abode.
Identification & Idealization: Common family histories of dysfunction provide a strong directional toward partner selection. Perhaps identifying with the pain suffered by the other, can form hefty bonds of loyalty and mutual protection, with some couples making wonderfully healthy and conscious choices to be a “different sort of family,” working jointly to accomplish that end. Or the appeal of the older, more experienced and idealized partner who is worshiped and adored by a less experienced mate. Oh to be worshiped. Oh to be protected. Do these roles last? Perhaps. Do the positions remain static? Not usually. The mature just get older, and the younger, worshiping ones, get mature. Oops. The Coupledom that outlasts these maturational changes is indeed a strong, flexible and compatible pair.
So Many Roads to marital mergers, neither good nor bad. Just human. Variables that can be normal, natural or complicating if not understood and owned. There is no pure pairing. We come to each other with wants, a context in which multiple needs thrive and compete, and though we love, we may love for many reasons. The more we understand about our love, and its many tributaries, over time, the more honest the love, and the quicker the stumbling blocks to its success can be negotiated.
The Myths: The chemical potency of these variables when mixed together may at times overpower judgment and lead to denial of the presence of what could be the fatal flaw in the brew. Many a patient has mumbled these words “I thought I could change him.” Or “I thought she would change.” That marital myth that can render even the most intelligent of souls short-sighted and misguided is the strongly held belief, often unspoken and perhaps even subconscious, that the partner has the power to change that portion of their mate’s make up that is worrisome. What underlies that desire, motivates that conclusion, or greases the pathways to that denial is worthy of exploration.
Reworking History: Often I find individuals from families of addiction, significant emotional or medical challenges pursuing what remained unattainable in their childhood, the power to make someone they love change out of love for them. The set up is clear. Marry someone who has many wonderful qualities but has one significant weakness, perhaps a tendency to over imbibe, play around, gamble or invest in dreams rather than realities. Or someone with a mood disorder or depression, unacknowledged but clearly not a happy soul, or perhaps medically compromised. Having failed as a child to bring the beloved parent to another place, or the family, reworking that scenario in adulthood becomes an unconscious force in marital selection. “Undoing” the feelings of powerlessness from childhood, by rewriting history, this time empowered as an adult, at the helm, navigating The Coupledom ship towards marital bliss. O.K. now we have a motive. What allows this delusion to get past rational thinking?
Magical Thinking: At the heart of self-deception is “magical thinking” – that childlike defense that Disney’s Cinderella sang of in her bed chamber, “A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep…no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing the dream that you wish will come true.” Or as that heartbreakingly sweet little insect Jiminy Cricket crooned in Pinocchio, “When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, anything your heart desires will come to you.” Really? Just like that?
The Child’s Dream In My Office: No one is above harboring a child’s dream stuck to one’s adult heart. I am host to many adult children in my office who break my heart, frankly, when we reveal the child’s dream, still intact, residing in their bewildered adult heart sitting across the room from me. “But I thought I could…” “What I never could do as a kid…” “What my dad/mom failed to do, I thought I could do.” “My love was never enough to make dad happy… To stop Mom’s drinking… To end the fighting… I was compelled, unknowingly, to make happy the world in which I grew, now that it was my world to do it…”
Grieving The Dreams That Didn’t Come True: Where does one go when the revised edition of childhood breaks down just like the original did and all the love in the world, the good deeds, demands and manipulations failed to change the beloved in the image desired by their partner? When the player turns into the cheater? When the addict can’t be saved? When the idol falls off the pedestal? One goes to grieving, saying adios to dreams that were based on a child’s wishes, decent wishes, but wishes nonetheless. And then to realistic assessment. Who is this person I chose to love, save or change? What part of me made that choice? And now what can I do to work with reality? Work on allowing grief and pain from the past to make its appearance, sort it out and see its’ connection to the present disappointment, forgiving yourself along the way for allowing the child to determine an important part of adult decision-making.
A Viable Coupledom Or A Solo Recovery: At this point, if The Coupledom is still viable, then a new chapter can be possible. If not, then a solo journey to perhaps a more realistic and fulfilling new love. But no delusions. We cannot change the people we love, no matter how much we love them. We can change ourselves by flushing out the dreams, comforting our child’s broken heart, and committing to what the adult in us truly values and asking of another if they can join in respecting those values as well.
A Third Party: This is a big job, so call in an expert, a psychotherapist, couples therapist, someone who can keep you, and if it’s still viable, your Coupledom, on a course that gets you to the next realistic stop along life’s emotional highway.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Like this:
Home Heals: 11-13-11
Sunday, A Day Of Rest: Today our daughter is with us. She slept here last night, a good and restful sleep after “The worst week of my life.” It was a rough week, littered with interpersonal ruptures that took their toll with familiar melt downs so characteristic of this time of year, SAD (Seasonal Affective Disorder), that “time of the month,” the full moon and schedule pressures. The good news is that her animal care jobs at ROAR and The Complete Cat Clinic remained unscathed but I felt the need to step in and gave her the choice to sleep “home” last night to prevent any damage to her warm relationship with her apartment-mate, as there was some spill over from the week’s difficulties.
Reruns of Drama in The Dorm: My husband and I recalled how at least twice an academic season at boarding school, our daughter needed rescue from “drama in the dorm.” “People are trying to get into my business” would translate to “bring her home for down time.” Though the dramas occurred outside the “dorm” this year, the dynamics were the same. ABD (Ability Beyond Disability) has been wonderful, including telephone conferencing at 9 P.M. last evening. The residential coordinator impressed me with her grasp of our gal’s dynamics and consultations are in the works.
Recovery: The star magnate has a date to see Katy Perry in concert at MSG (Madison Square Garden) this Wednesday night with two super ladies in the entertainment business. In light of the recent downturn, I asked our daughter if she still were up for the event and this morning received an affirmative response. I know she has no idea what she is in for, which is unsettling. Friday evening I watched the HBO filming of the Madison Square Garden Lady Gaga concert and O.M.G., though Katy Perry is not Lady G., just the size, the sound, the lights, the bombardment of sensory stimulation might be over the top for our gal. I plan to be on call to bail her out if necessary.
Momma Boundaries: But the ladies invited her, and she signed on to go. Beyond some heads up for the escorts, I leave this to the powers that be, with Fingers Crossed, that a good time will be had by all. Typical parental role, I know.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
We Are So “P” of You: 11-5-11
A Run Down On The Cats: During our ride back from the birthday dinner/shopping celebration last evening, our daughter described her work at The Complete Cat Clinic earlier that day. She spoke of Elwin Nelson, Mocha and Coco. Elwin Nelson is white with brown patches, a male and “adorable.” Coco is a cat whom our daughter helped to socialize and was boarding at the clinic. Staff informed our daughter that her work with Coco had made all the difference in the cat’s ability to become an acceptable member of the family household. Mocha, on the other hand, is a resident kitty with mood swings. “I stay away from her.” Smart Gal.
Animal Space: During the conversation, I mentioned to her apartment-mate, who is a fellow animal lover, and seated next to her in the car, that over the years our daughter had many pets: rats, guinea pigs, a hamster, a mouse and of course the requisite variety of fish: fighting, gold and angel. Even turtles, one of whom was named in honor of a very special friend, the other christened “Speedy” and you can guess why. I recall that one was purchased in Chinatown, and both were red sliders. They lived in our frog pond for a substantial period of time until either The Great Blue Heron or the neighborhood raccoon swooped in and flushed them out for an afternoon’s or late evening’s snack. The mention of turtles triggered an unfortunate memory for her mate, an episode with her brother, who was trying to redirect a snapping turtle back to the pond, getting his finger bitten and bloodied. “And I had to clean it.” “Well,” our daughter intoned, “You have to remember to give animals their space.” Who is this girl?
The P Word: For possibly as much as a decade or so, our daughter has begged us to eschew using the “P” word, as in “proud.” ”I am so proud of you” was anathema to her which left us scrambling for an acceptable synonym but alas never found. Instead, “I am so P of you.” was a clumsy second best, uttered with sincerity and an unavoidable dash of humor. Perhaps the “P” word for her signaled “pressure” rather than pleasure. But last night’s young lady, now twenty-two and nobody’s little girl, made me so “P” of her. And more importantly she is so “P” of herself. She is impacting the life of kitties, making them and their owners happier and becoming expert now on felines as well as canines, movie stars and WWII.
Taboo No More: And something else has changed. Lately when I allow myself to ignore the taboo, after all, she is a grown woman, and say “I am so proud of you.” she glows. And often her response is: “I am proud of myself too.”
Proud To Be Me: An accomplished young woman doesn’t have to be afraid of the “P” word. Proud is no longer taboo. I think it is the experience of knowing “I can do it” accrued over many years, with hard work, tremendous support from skilled educators, and many challenges overcome, that make P not a pressure but a pleasure. “Proud to be me.” Yippee!
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Coming Up On 22: 11-2-11
Birthday Girl: Two days from today our daughter celebrates her twenty-second birthday, which will be marked by a variety of events including attending theater in Waterbury, Connecticut to see “In The Heights” and a trip to the Vera Bradley store at the Westfarms Mall.
Bass Player Pal: Her brother and his boyfriend are coming up from the city to attend the play whose special importance arises from the presence of our daughter’s dear, loyal and fiercely funny “typical” friend who is a bass player in the show’s national tour and this happens to be the weekend the play comes closest to our area. That plus taking her apartment-mate out for a special dinner and a jumble of gift items ranging from her first iPhone, which she is technologically equipped to use, to a DVD of “Tea With Mussolini” should cover all her Bday needs. Family and friends mark her birthday with calls, cards and gifts. Something about that girl coupled with her “special needs” draws out the good, generous spirit in so many.
The Presence of Goodness In Unlikely Places: As a mother of a child with special needs, I have been privileged to witness extensive goodness in unlikely places. Hardened souls, men and women a like, soften in the presence of a child or adult whose capacities are compromised. Perhaps the childlike quality of so many special needs adults, which is most apparent in their speech, often the first clue, or their gait, or their gaze, knocks down walls of indifference and judgement leading to empathy and compassion. And delight too. Special needs children and adults can be more entertaining than we normals. Why, because much of what you see is honest, uncensored, pulsing with vitality and truth.
Her Birth Gift To Us: As one of our daughter’s cousins-in-law observed, “She cuts right to the truth.” Special needs adults have a unique appeal. They are adults but they retain the enthusiasm and honesty of our former selves, before we became “normal”, repressed, censored and civilized. That’s why our daughter draws in the troops. She touches the child within us, draws them out, and then we can all play together. In the best of times with our daughter, I, who rarely feel anything but young in its best and worst connotations, feel ever so much younger, ever so much lighter, ever so goofy and ever so romantic. Her birth gift to me. And many others, her father, her brother, his friends, our extended families, teachers and bus drivers. They kvell with delight in the contagion of her enjoyment of so much that, when seen through her eyes, becomes hilarious, intriguing or endearing.
Through Her Eyes: To see the world through our daughter’s eyes is never to be bored, embarrassed or cynical. Happy Birthday Special Lady from Yo Momma.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Coupledoms, Focus On Education!
Clarifying Priorities: I do not consider myself an expert on economics, not even adequate, but I am an expert on couples and families. Today’s New York Times’ Op Ed column by David Brooks is a must read for couples with children. Scroll down to paragraph 7 and read his description of something he terms “Red Inequality” which is the term he uses for that segment of the population without a college diploma.
Distracted Coupledoms: Mr. Brooks provides a assemblage of statistics that should jolt all who take comfort in the rational “college isn’t meant for everyone.” No indeed but there better be a good reason why your child is not headed in that direction, one way or another. What the numbers reveal is that kids without college degrees are more likely to smoke, divorce, have out-of-wedlock children, and fewer friends. Holy Tamole. Is it that serious? Yes. What worries me is when I see couples so distracted by their relational difficulties, whether married, separating or divorced, that they lose sight of the needed focus on educating their children. In fact, often the child’s education becomes another victim in the Coupledom mess, when former spouses fight over funding a post-secondary education to the point where the child gives up, acts out, and ends up dropping out. Or the father may message, “Hey, its cool not to go to college. I didn’t and see how well I am doing.” Yes but times they are a changing. And most of the human race is not Steve Jobs either.
Choosing Peer Groups and Communities: Where your children grow up and with whom also sets a standard that may message college is not cool. Guess what, apparently it is cool after all.
Take A Moment and A Look: And pass this along. I think this is a more than worthy read and wake up call for all of us.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Love Her For Who She Is: 10-17-11
Ronan: I had an idea for today’s post but dropped it this morning when I read Emily Rapp’s piece in Sunday’s New York Times, Notes From A Dragon Mom, about her son Ronan, eighteen months old, who has Tay-Sachs Disease. The article is painful, so I am not suggesting it to readers without a useful motive. Ronan’s mom has a message wrapped around the agony of knowing that her son will be dead by the age of three. A message that recalled for me a moment in our daughter’s life occurring nineteen years ago this Fall.
Words That Cut Deep But Provide A Path: When our daughter turned three years old, educators recommended that we place her in a typical pre-school for two days a week while she attended our district’s special education pre-school the other three days, to enable her to be amongst ” typical peers” for language development and social modeling. Our son had attended this pre-school, which was well regarded in our town, in large part because of the director’s reputation. She was thought very skilled at creating the perfect balance of social modeling, nurturing and educating that is optimal for 3′s and 4′s healthy development. Many of our baby group moms were sending their children there so I signed her up.
It was a rough go. The gap between our daughter’s development and her classmates was heartbreakingly conspicuous and probably agitated her and certainly me. Yet, I did walk away with something which felt at the time both patronizing and profound. In my attempt to grasp at some threads of hope that our daughter wasn’t that “different” or that the director saw something promising that would herald the likelihood of our daughter’s catching up to her peers, I would make sure to chat with her briefly during pick-up, asking “how did she do today?” — code for “give me hope.” On one such occasion the director focused gentle blue eyes on my face and said, “Love her for who she is.” Really? She saw right through to my soul. The words cut deep but they provided a path, permission! Permission to let go and enjoy.
Permission: That was the message I took away with me and hear in the achingly beautiful lines of Ms. Rapp’s description of life with her dying son, “Parenting in the here and now” as she puts. Her story sadly will have a different ending than most of our stories raising our children, though she reminds us of the “long truth…that none of this is forever.” As parents of children with a future, we have to be working toward goals to get them in as strong a state as possible. But hearken to the message: while we special needs parents are researching speech and occupational therapists, sensory motor opportunities, the best nutrition and top neurologists, look to the child and permit yourself to enjoy who they are in the moment, for many moments of every day. Permission to celebrate the child they are, not the child they have to become. Ms. Rapp puts it this way: Parenting, I’ve come to understand, is about loving my child today.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Join Their World: 10/10/11
100 Years Of Peter Pan: Today’s New York Times Op Ed section had a piece written by Maria Tatar, chairman of Harvard’s folklore and mythology program who reminded us all that this week Wendy and Peter are one hundred years of age. In my opinion, one hundred wonderful years for those of us who fell in love young and have stayed in love with perhaps the most enchanting tale of boyhood, young love, the complexities of a fairy who tinkers with jealousy and loyalty, and the exotica of mermaids, pirates and punctual crocodiles. Even distraught parents play a key role in the suspense and delight of Peter Pan.
What Ms. Tatar stresses in her editorial is that both J.M. Barrie and Lewis Carroll, author of Alice in Wonderland, spent time with children in their worlds, boating or playing or photographing them. And it made me think about how as parents of special needs children it is so critical that we spend time in the special world of our child particularly because it takes them longer than “typical kids” to understand or enter our worlds.
What Parent Type Are You? There are many different types of parents, but one grouping that I have observed are those who are driven to bring their children toward their interests, or the interests they had as children. The other grouping, the Lewis Carrolls and the J.M. Barries, who though childless I liken to those parents who grasp that we have to follow the child’s lead, making the experience of child raising smoother and more satisfying in those early years when children’s cognitive and muscular development need time to appreciate what is interesting about their parents’ world. But early on, what catches the child’s eyes and ears is where we must go. With special needs children this is critical, especially when language is delayed and communication depends on experiential moments far longer than with a typical child. Sharing a laugh at a silly cartoon. A giggle at a toad scampering across a lawn. Or more challenging, the endless repetition of a song, or a game or a story. To make their world more interesting to us, it behooves us to observe where their delights rest, join them and perhaps expand the experience with something of the same ilk, yet new; a storybook on the topic, a video game or song, a ride to a location where the object of attention is revealed in a new setting. By doing so, we provide variety for ourselves, which can reduce boredom, increase tolerance and make the time spent in our children’s company more enjoyable. It also stretches them as well.
The Challenge of Stasis: For a long time it can seem as if our special children don’t move…developmentally. Their pace is so much slower than typical children that the redundancy of their interests can prove trying. That’s when it is time to roll up the creative sleeves and see what else you can do with a redundancy. With our daughter, the obsession with rodents and rodents, and rodents, was quite trying, forgetting about the messes. So we read about them, we alternated pet stores so that I at least could find something new in the setting. I learned the differences between a guinea pig, a hamster, what’s that other really little one? Who remembers now. We chatted chinchillas with a friend we bumped into on several occasions in one or another of these pet stores. And nowadays, the internet affords endless opportunities to search for cartoons, movies or clubs to further expand subject matter. We thought it would never end, it took years. We had mice and rats and dead mice and dead rats. We had horrific tragedies and the bounty of baby guinea pigs, naked, pink and at risk. We were in her world. What’s the difference between that and a typical kid? Plenty. It goes on forever and the parental involvement is on a different level.
The Disappointing Child: There is a lot of disappointment and frustration in raising a special needs child. One can be distracted and preoccupied for many years by what the child is not doing, and the fears of what they may never do. But I have found the best antidote for those painful ruminations and that is curiosity and interest in what the child is doing. What are they trying to master, understand or find entertaining? Often, their preoccupations serve a developing neurological challenge. Joining their world and reminding oneself that the present is the place to be when with them can be comforting as well as productive. Working on their future can be accomplished when they are sleeping, assuming they sleep of course.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Husbands Without Friendships or Heart: Why?
Boys Are Socially Illiterate? Niobe Way, a psychologist at New York University whose area of specialty is adolescent development, recently published a book entitled Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and The Crisis of Connection. The book focuses on her research on male adolescent friendships, her experience as a high school guidance counselor and observations as the older sister of two brothers. The societal bias that males are less capable or programmed for deep friendships, that boys are socially illiterate, is challenged by Dr. Niobe’s book. Yet many women believe that their male partners and spouses are without the deeper feelings and needs for others that so impact their female minds and hearts.
The Tin Man: In my office hurt and angry women have poked at their husbands using searing and cruel language to describe what they see as an unfeeling person who moves through life encased in metal, impervious to pain, incapable of empathy. The Tin Man who is missing a heart. Yet, from my seat across the room, I see someone else, the boy in pain, who is covered in a cloak of defenses so that none of the heart shows through. Perhaps Dr. Way has nailed down some of the reasons why these fellows can’t openly walk the deeper walk of vulnerability, fearful least someone see the need, and the lost boy within. I have seen women who are good women act in heartless ways towards their husbands because the iron-clad defense of the non-emotional, no-needs male has been so convincing that their wives believe it. “He doesn’t feel.” Yet they use piercing instruments in the hopes that under the armor resides the feeling man with whom they fell in love years ago.
Sons and Husbands: In her book, Dr. Way describes her findings “that boys are experiencing a “crisis of connection” because they live in a culture where human needs and capacities are given a sex (female) and a sexuality (gay), and thus discouraged for those who are neither.” As a couples therapist, I place this information in the Coupledom format, where I see men who have few close friendships resist confiding personal concerns to peers, and are often lonely in their own homes because their culture demanded since adolescence that they pack away any evidence of emotional need, unless it is sexually condoned as “masculine”, meaning for most men, sex. Whether it be solely because we are a confused, homophobic country, which we are, or we are stuck on notions of male emotional stoicism as a source of security and safety, our sons and husbands are left without hearts they can openly hang from their chests, and needs for closeness with their male friends they can own in their social choices. Sad.
Alert To Mothers and Wives and Girlfriends: Think outside the box of stereotypes that society offers and think personally about the males in your lives. Read Dr. Way’s book; listen to your sons and husbands. Ask them questions and perhaps over time, you will find their warm hearts connect with your own. I know these men who appear “cold” and believe me, they are not unfeeling, invulnerable or incapable of empathy. Those feelings are rusted and immobile somewhere, and if oiled with a bit more understanding, may be permitted to come out from hiding. Then what a connection indeed for all. Share this post with them…and the book. And converse.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
How Smart Is Humor: 9-10-11
A Necessary Balance: I had to cancel our UGGS (boots) shopping yesterday. Rescheduled for next Saturday due to a previous commitment to my husband to head down to Cape May Point, New Jersey if the weather were good. And so it was. Our daughter handled the delay well but I didn’t. I felt that I had let her down. It keeps me balanced however, the requirement to meet other needs besides those of our daughter. I have a precious son and dear husband, a cat, a dog, patients and family. Even the best of friends and a deserving community. If not, I would never say no to my daughter and she would be a monster and I a blithering idiot.
The Sharp Smart of Wit: Therefore, heading west out of town, we stopped in at our daughter’s apartment. Home from her Complete Cat Clinic job, she was able to visit with us in the red couch room. Her residential staff joined in the chatter, when the approach of the mailman was overheard. Our daughter, a lover of catalogs and other postal detritus, (oops, the postal service may be obsolete a year from now) raced out the back door to check which prompted the staff to relate this anecdote. Apparently, in negotiating a similar move around a small side table earlier she tripped a bit muttering, “I had too many martinis.” Her wit is rapid, the timing impeccable and the content often sophisticated.
Humor demonstrates cultural influences and cognitive abilities. Since a young age, while so much was not kicking in, our daughter’s appreciation for irony, tongue-in-cheek, farce, and unexpected juxtapositions indicated an intelligence beyond her chronological years. She wasn’t limited to concrete thinking and this attribute was noted over and over again by educators, always with surprise and delight. A tremendous asset that makes being in her company especially appealing, it also serves as a never-ending source of entertainment and positive stimulation for her. If humor contributes to health, fingers crossed, she will live a good long life and by association, she will expand the health and happiness of the lives of those of us lucky to be close by her side. How smart is that?
© Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Skunked And Bumped: 8-31-11
Home At Last: At 3 P.M. yesterday our daughter called, joyful the power was on in her Ridgefield apartment so the gal was going home. Whew! Now that was timely, as our son had reached me moments earlier from our house to say our generator was “fried.” Darn, the guys were right, keeping it on all night to accommodate friends’ schedules broke this 25-year-old warhorse of blizzards, hurricanes and ice storms. Now we had to turn to others for charity; cup of water please, only it takes buckets just to flush a toilet.
Apartment 7: Shortly after our daughter’s call the moms and staff gathered in the red couch living room to plan out the completion of the apartment decor: area rug, curtains, runner, coffee table, tiny kitchen table with 2 stools and some repairs. I did feel some worry when our residential coordinator who deals with the landlord said there had been tension about a cabinet door that had come off. It was shoddily put on, without screws, just thin staples, so of course it lasted but a moment. Her response was “Are your people destroying my apartment?” I found the remark so unfair as the absolute opposite is the case, and insulted for the girls. As the lease is just for a year, they could be booted out or leave. The young ladies are on two affordable housing lists in Ridgefield, and though these places are not as charming looking or convenient, they may be the next stop in adult independent living.
Starry, Starry Stench: Home to no water, relieved son is in NYC and daughter empowered in Ridgefield, we bedded early. At 1 A.M. Waggy started barking and panting at the window. Must be a deer, let her run at it. Door opens, Wags lunges down the steps (lunge is a generous term for the movement of a canine with 3 legs) and two minutes later I see her whirling about and flinging herself face first into the evergreen shrubs by the newly painted front door. Then I smelled it. Skunked right in her face. For this one I had to wake the hubby. With nary an operative water supply in sight we grabbed the remnants of a late June birthday party of club soda and Bloody Mary mix and poured it over the poor pooch’s face. Then we shuffled the Tabasco-peppered pup through the garage door to purdah in the tile floor basement below, where she remains until further accommodation can be made. We’re thinking white vinegar and water; my sister suggests a soupçon of milk to the mix.
Female Visit: Meanwhile our daughter had one of those “darn women things” that occur annually and her staff were bringing her to the appointment today. I was torn between attending, bringing her myself or just letting her go as the “independent adult” until, while perched on the red couch together yesterday, she asked if I were coming to the appointment. “Do you want me to?” “I don’t care.” So of course I go today at 1:30 in the midst of a stinky, skunky, waterless Wednesday workday only to be snubbed by her when I get there. Not allowed in the examination room, bumped. Did I pick up the wrong message here? Or is this just the dance of adolescence I describe to my patients about their adolescent daughters who one minute curl up on the couch and cuddle and the next treat you as either their handmaiden or some embarrassing relative from the old country.
Complicated Twenty-Four Hours: But at least the paint job which started over a month ago is done . Our entire home has an exterior resembling poured cream over a three story Wedding cake with a yummy slate colored candy roof and a front door of a licorice-like graphite gray. And if you breathe too deeply, a hint of Eau de Skunk over V8 on the rocks.
© Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
