The Couples Tool Kit
Working together as a team of three — by Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., Specialist in Couples TherapyArchive for Differences
A Very Social Storm: 8-28-11
We Bailed: The vote was unanimous, five in favor of boarding the 1:30 ferry yesterday bound for Bridgeport, Connecticut, a smooth crossing indeed. After stops for food, including a local farm replete in pigs, blueberries and an amazing flax seed bread, we reached home. Our son made his original wheat berry beef stew, inviting his two best local buds to join our five for a feast of merry plenty.
Local, Social And Super Funny: After dinner, still hours before Irene swooped in and stole our power (5 a.m. and highway robbery if you ask me), our son gathered all to watch family videos (now on disc). His two pals, one a friend from birth, our daughter, our son and his amazingly affable boyfriend and the mom (Dad went to bed) laughed our sillies out at the magician birthday party, son age 5, daughter 2, the tire swing scene, frog pond escapades, bubble baths and the infamous Halloween Parade at the elementary school (funniest of all due to defective camera, all tops of heads and disembodied voices) and throughout the evening our daughter was a full member of all social momentum.
The Shared Life Is the Best: Though you cannot separate our daughter’s social growth from other gains, as each supports the other (expressive and receptive language development being the linchpin that empowers the child to be understood as well as understand interpersonal transactions, thereby reducing frustration and acting out) for the family there is no doubt that her ability to be amongst others without major behavior issues is the greatest gift of the last years. Last night’s contagious pleasures shared with folks dearest to our son, five, six years ago would have been impossible to achieve. My high was witnessing our son free to mix up the precious people of his life, without the frustrations, embarrassments, and shattered moments of fun that so plagued much of his childhood.
Joy Comes Packaged In Moments Such As This.
© Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Pregnant, Tired Or Fired? Nope Just Gone: 8-12-11
Irony, Life’s Theme Song: I just reread the last paragraph in my 8-8-11 post. The paragraph started with the topic: “I Love This Coach” and ended with a silent prayer. I think you get my drift already. Yes, the coach is gone, poof, as of yesterday. No kidding. Neither pregnant, tired nor fired, she just left. Family issues. I marvel at the blatant jest at us mere mortals, from the powers that be. “I Love This Coach”, the very words could have been the kiss of death or just the kick of irony. No big deal. Not really. Just life as usual, droll, witty and worrisome.
Robbing The Bank: I am happy to report that the ABD vocational coordinator responded to my request that our daughter’s job resume, bio and job descriptions be delivered ASAP in time for her interview yesterday at the senior residence. They did it all and apparently her interview went well. She begins her volunteer job next Thursday as a “companion” to one of their residents. When I did chat with my daughter last evening about her interview and potential job she seemed happy about it but cautioned, “First they have to do a background check on me.” Giggle. “They want to make sure I didn’t rob a bank.” We roared together. Boy, would l like to be a fly on the wall of that first visit. I hope the elder has a sense of humor and a hearing aid, though our daughter’s voice isn’t troubled by dulcet tones.
The Staffing Deal and Daughter: Some of you may wonder how the loss of the job coach will effect our daughter. I didn’t mention it on the phone last night, leaving it to staff to tell her. But my hunch is she will be sorry but fine. Five years at boarding school has prepared her for constant staff changes. Residential staff, unlike teaching staff, frequently leave, with known substitutes coming in (as in this case) until a replacement is hired. It is more a question of who will be the replacement. This young lady who left was a great advocate, as I mentioned many times, and attuned to the girls’ needs. ABD so far has done an excellent job hiring staff for this project. So fingers crossed, the new vocational life skills employee (as they are called) will be great too. I will be watching closely. Naturally.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W. L.C.S.W. 2011
Stereotyping The Coupledom
Stereotyping Your Partner: One marvels at the power of gender stereotyping in The Coupledom, that domicile in which the relationship resides. Years, even decades into a marriage, partners interpret behaviors in the language of expected gender norms. Often these interpretations are inaccurate and create emotional distance rather than facilitate connectedness.
Dismissive or Disengaged? At the top of the list for many a female partner is the seeming lack of interest demonstrated by their husband around the day-to-day life of wife and children. Whether they travel or are local for work, many men are viewed as less than present, often dismissive of the minutia and emotion that goes into mundane life.
Disappointed and Critical: Adjectives ascribed by males to their wives behaviors seem to rest on a notion that “wives are hard to please”, and often disappointed with their spouses. Many a male has looked at me with despair after once again, his wife has described him as deficient in some area.
Peeling Away The Layers of Stereotyping and Projecting: There is an art to going beneath the surface to find the layers of meaning in behavior. In couples’ work, this art involves giving each partner the time and patience to self-explore and explain the inner workings of their mind, to their partner. Why is this so necessary? Because of the inclination to stereotype and project. We tend to read each other more like a paperback novel than a multifaceted human being who can harbor more than one emotion, motivation or opinion at the same time. We tend to ignore the possibility that what we view as causal is just one possible explanation of our partner’s behavior, and not the only one. We tend to “close the book” on additional interpretations. And we tend to be incurious! Worst of all.
Disclaimer: Forgive me for much of what I am about to write may seem like the pot calling the kettle black. I will be “generalizing” and “stereotyping” from clinical experience. Whatever doesn’t fit, throw out. Take away what is useful and leave the rest.
Male Avoidance: A husband decides it is best to say as little as possible whenever he thinks that his wife will get upset. Consequently he has spent decades concealing his reactions to family life. His wife, unable to read his mind, sees this behavior as disinterest and uncaring. Hurt and bewildered by this disconnect, she withdraws as well. Both describe years of walking on eggshells. Deeper exploration uncovers a strongly held belief system left over from his childhood: “You are a bad person if you make someone you love unhappy.” Therefore, choosing compliance over anticipated “conflict” becomes a way of life. Information is withheld that could trigger a less than happy response (often a projection), and outsiders become confidants instead of his spouse. When he can no longer keep the emotional exchange at bay, he cuts it off. Why? He is overwhelmed with feeling like a bad person, guilt ridden and secondarily angry that “his wife” has made him feel this way. What had appeared as rejection and disinterest is in fact a fearful relic of a young boy’s world, desperately needing airing and updating to the world of the grown man he is today who can disagree, even with someone he loves, and not be bad for doing so.
Critical Wives: A husband is baffled by his wife’s constant attacks on him. She strikes out at him frequently with harsh words that make no sense to him, blaming him for financial hardship and failures as a wage earner, though they both are hard workers in a recession. He sees her as impossible to please, irrational and even cruel. No matter what he does, she is never happy with him. Another female impossible to please, and emotionally overwrought. In the therapy, the layers are peeled away to reveal many frightening moments in her childhood, where she was unprotected and at the mercy of a helpless mother and raging father. Money, earning it and having it, became a surrogate shield for true parental protection and comfort. In the session, that little girl made an appearance, which allowed her husband, perhaps for the first time, to see how frightened she was and why dry reasoning never touched the place that needed the comforting touch. In turn, she had glimpsed at how her childhood trauma colored her perceptions and treatment of her husband today.
Gender Predisposition? Biology and our culture demand it: men are cowboys and soldiers; women are mothers and movie stars. Men lean towards the coolness of fact; women bend towards the warmth of feeling. But each woman, each man, and each feeling is unique. Each disconnect has its multifaceted roots. There are more reasons than one; more emotions than you are with me or against me.
Simplistic Conclusions Are The Devil’s Work: The Coupledom, that domicile that holds the us of us, can be a challenge to make safe and solid. A black and white palate has no place here. We decorate in multiple shades, tones and textures, lots of layers of the you and of the me. Knee jerk assumptions of the other’s motives, feelings and beliefs are dangerous. Better to take the time to go under the surface of typical notions and become true intimates, heart and soul.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Stereotyping The Coupledom
Stereotyping Your Partner: One marvels at the power of gender stereotyping in The Coupledom, that domicile in which the relationship resides. Years, even decades into a marriage, partners interpret behaviors in the language of expected gender norms. Often these interpretations are inaccurate and create emotional distance rather than facilitate connectedness.
Dismissive or Disengaged? At the top of the list for many a female partner is the seeming lack of interest demonstrated by their husband around the day-to-day life of wife and children. Whether they travel or are local for work, many men are viewed as less than present, often dismissive of the minutia and emotion that goes into mundane life.
Disappointed and Critical: Adjectives ascribed by males to their wives behaviors seem to rest on a notion that “wives are hard to please”, and often disappointed with their spouses. Many a male has looked at me with despair after once again, his wife has described him as deficient in some area.
Peeling Away The Layers of Stereotyping and Projecting: There is an art to going beneath the surface to find the layers of meaning in behavior. In couples’ work, this art involves giving each partner the time and patience to self-explore and explain the inner workings of their mind, to their partner. Why is this so necessary? Because of the inclination to stereotype and project. We tend to read each other more like a paperback novel than a multifaceted human being who can harbor more than one emotion, motivation or opinion at the same time. We tend to ignore the possibility that what we view as causal is just one possible explanation of our partner’s behavior, and not the only one. We tend to “close the book” on additional interpretations. And we tend to be incurious! Worst of all.
Disclaimer: Forgive me for much of what I am about to write may seem like the pot calling the kettle black. I will be “generalizing” and “stereotyping” from clinical experience. Whatever doesn’t fit, throw out. Take away what is useful and leave the rest.
Male Avoidance: A husband decides it is best to say as little as possible whenever he thinks that his wife will get upset. Consequently he has spent decades concealing his reactions to family life. His wife, unable to read his mind, sees this behavior as disinterest and uncaring. Hurt and bewildered by this disconnect, she withdraws as well. Both describe years of walking on eggshells. Deeper exploration uncovers a strongly held belief system left over from his childhood: “You are a bad person if you make someone you love unhappy.” Therefore, choosing compliance over anticipated “conflict” becomes a way of life. Information is withheld that could trigger a less than happy response (often a projection), and outsiders become confidants instead of his spouse. When he can no longer keep the emotional exchange at bay, he cuts it off. Why? He is overwhelmed with feeling like a bad person, guilt ridden and secondarily angry that “his wife” has made him feel this way. What had appeared as rejection and disinterest is in fact a fearful relic of a young boy’s world, desperately needing airing and updating to the world of the grown man he is today who can disagree, even with someone he loves, and not be bad for doing so.
Critical Wives: A husband is baffled by his wife’s constant attacks on him. She strikes out at him frequently with harsh words that make no sense to him, blaming him for financial hardship and failures as a wage earner, though they both are hard workers in a recession. He sees her as impossible to please, irrational and even cruel. No matter what he does, she is never happy with him. Another female impossible to please, and emotionally overwrought. In the therapy, the layers are peeled away to reveal many frightening moments in her childhood, where she was unprotected and at the mercy of a helpless mother and raging father. Money, earning it and having it, became a surrogate shield for true parental protection and comfort. In the session, that little girl made an appearance, which allowed her husband, perhaps for the first time, to see how frightened she was and why dry reasoning never touched the place that needed the comforting touch. In turn, she had glimpsed at how her childhood trauma colored her perceptions and treatment of her husband today.
Gender Predisposition? Biology and our culture demand it: men are cowboys and soldiers; women are mothers and movie stars. Men lean towards the coolness of fact; women bend towards the warmth of feeling. But each woman, each man, and each feeling is unique. Each disconnect has its multifaceted roots. There are more reasons than one; more emotions than you are with me or against me.
Simplistic Conclusions Are The Devil’s Work: The Coupledom, that domicile that holds the us of us, can be a challenge to make safe and solid. A black and white palate has no place here. We decorate in multiple shades, tones and textures, lots of layers of the you and of the me. Knee jerk assumptions of the other’s motives, feelings and beliefs are dangerous. Better to take the time to go under the surface of typical notions and become true intimates, heart and soul.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
The Secret To A Happy Marriage: Self-Expansion
A Tip To Start The Coupledom Off On The Right Foot in 2011: The sum of one partner part plus one partner part equals two partner parts: No! Not if you follow the research. In fact, as mentioned in previous posts, optimal bonding in The Coupledom should lead to a much greater, broader entity…the combined interests and acumen of two entities provides a greater shot at Coupledom happiness. Humans, it seems, want to grow and learn. Wow! Now this is good news for the New Year.
Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship. AHA! Tara Parker Pope’s column (see link) in the December 31st New York Times describes research findings indicating that humans have an intrinsic desire to be stimulated by the new, and relationships that are stretched by the interests of the other, lead to greater satisfaction in The Coupledom.
Feathers and The New York Times: Difference has always appealed to me. Yet, in that regard, I often find many other folk speak of “same” as a virtue. And so in The Coupledom both are useful. I prefer the word “similar” to same, less tightly wound. Similar values are good. Similar background, maybe yes, maybe no. Depends on how it is “used”. But difference plus curiosity can equal self-expansion. How affirming to find the research that backs up this view.
New York raised (actually Long Island) my choice of life partner was an Eagle Scout from Maine whose primary passion in our first years together was feathers, specifically feathered fowl, fancy pigeons. Though our professional lives are “similar”, the divergence in our interests ranged from my addiction to the New York Times and Classic fiction and his to pigeon shows and bird farms, where I could be found trekking through pigeon dung up to my whatevers. Other couples stretch their interests culturally, globally and in the fine details as well. The driving force is the willingness to experiment with the interests and energies of your partner. It is not essential that you have equal passions for feathers and the New York Times. That never happened. But boy what I learned and continue to learn about the world through the eyes of my spouse could fill volumes. I leave him to speak for himself.
Humor and Empathy: A complaint raised frequently within these office walls is that husbands fall short in the sensitivity area and wives in humor. Though not always limited to gender, this observation has merit. In the self-expanding coupledom, couples are seen exchanging characteristics as well as interests. The humorless wife develops a more humor full perspective; the insensitive spouse suddenly finds himself listening and understanding feelings, even his own, with new clarity. The partner with the global view benefits from the other’s local/provincial appreciation of life in a small town. But only if he/she is willing to “go there”.
Boredom Is The Child of Rigidity: My New Year’s message is to stretch!. Stretch beyond your “comfort zone”, another of those constructs designed to rationalize fear of failure, or neutralize a kind of lazy view of life. In place of condemning one’s partner for their “weird interests” or silliness, shed the judgments and share the playtime. Stimulation can come in many forms, must be sorted out, and can be found right in our own homes. Try a little of his humor, a bit of her empathy, some of his home-made beer, some of her bath salts. Or ballroom dancing. Never want to leave the U.S. because you don’t speak a foreign language? Do it and watch how you expand your worlds. Can’t stand football? Try one game, wear a super warm coat and stop in at EMS to buy hand warmers. Moving through the circles of long lasting relationships, the ones that give off life and light imbue the characteristics and interests of both participants. They stoke the fires less of love, more a secondary benefit, than those of expanding mutual interest and growth.
Happy New Year to All The Coupledoms, of all genders, all backgrounds and all worlds!
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
