The Couples Tool Kit
Working together as a team of three — by Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., Specialist in Couples TherapyArchive for Have That Conversation
An Article Worth Sharing: Pre-Marital Cohabitation
This Merits a Perusal: I am about to take a journey with my spouse which will include an abundant amount of “quality time” together, some of it on the road. Hence I am sure that upon my return home, I will have ample material to ponder and share. I had no plans to post anything Coupledom related this week except the “Oldies But Goodies” of previous posts but The New York Times Sunday Review published an article by Meg Jay, a clinical psychologist at the University of Virginia which warrants sharing.
In her article entitled “The Downside of Cohabiting Before Marriage” Dr. Jay raised some very interesting questions for folks to consider on the subject.
No Conclusions Just Process: Cohabitation is here to stay but some research has correlated cohabitation prior to marriage with the likelihood of divorce. However the data does seem to be shifting, and suggests that how you cohabit – that is, how you make the decision to do so or to continue that lifestyle choice – seems to be the key to its being a satisfying path for The Coupledom or an indicator of divorce.
A Slide Or A Commitment: Dr. Jay provides useful language for couples to discuss and define the type of “living together” that each envisions or desires. For example, is your cohabiting the “slide” into convenience or the committed road to happily ever after? Dr. Jay recommends that couples clarify their motivation for setting up even the most casual of homes, in order to allow both partners the opportunity to understand their intentions and those of their partner. Once clarification is established regarding these variables, then cohabiting prior to wedding bells can ring true.
Don’t miss this quick read. Clicking on the link above may help you to prevent future disappointments in love and life choices.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
The Un-Romantic Bed
Bill Maher: If ever there were an unromantic guy, it is Bill Maher with his surgeon-like skill to slice away all artifice and get to the earthy or seamy underbelly of so much of life, political and otherwise. Recently, he made a comment about sleep which got me thinking about the unromantic aspect of sleeping together or apart.
But first, his comment. Mr. Maher, in an interview with guest Dr. Drew Pinsky on his HBO talk show Real Time while discussing the demise of Whitney Houston, made this observation about celebrities and drugs “…one thing you can’t command, any of us, is sleep.” In Maher’s opinion, “A lot of these deaths (referring to celebrity deaths) are about sleep.” In that context Mr. Maher reached as far back as Elvis, who, he believes, died in pursuit of a good night’s sleep. Mr. Maher and Dr. Drew were in agreement that prescription drugs, readily available to the rich and powerful, are often the pathway to untimely and tragic death. Why? Mega stars have entourages, including physicians whose role is to gratify their clients every whim. In Mr. Maher’s view, no one has the magic spell that brings “on demand” the elusive state of sleep without relying on a potentially lethal potion of chemicals and alcohol that ultimately can make sleep permanent. And no one can guess, neither those who may provide the drugs or drink, nor the imbibers, when that potion might take the lethal turn.
Sleep Over Romance: Mr. Maher speaks the truth when he says, ”No one can command sleep.” But almost anything can interrupt it for many. It is this conundrum of shared bedding that often puts even the best of compatible Coupledoms in a quandary over how to stay intimate and spoon in the double, queen or king-size realm, and still get a decent night’s sleep. Snoring, insomnia, spouses who talk or groan in their sleep, toss and turn and even strike out an arm or a leg sometimes smacking their unsuspecting partner, steal sheets, need the T.V. on, turn on a light to read, leave the bed several times to pee, get hot flashes and rip off the covers or their PJ’s in middle of the night, fight over windows open or closed: these are just some of the interruptions that can lead to serious sleep deprivation. Those are challenges enough to Coupledom sleep compatibility without adding the great sleep challenge that child rearing brings to the art of achieving a peaceful night’s sleep “together.” (See my previously published post on the subject, Musical Beds: Bedtime And The Coupledom).
In a blog published in the Wall Street Journal in 2009, the “sleeping separately” solution for those who cannot achieve sleep while sharing a bed with their partner is outed and normalized as a reasonable alternative to serious sleep deprivation. Perhaps a different issue than the celebrity search for a restful night, which may be complicated by serious emotional issues, a lifestyle of erratic hours, and drug dependency, the typical Coupledom may be suffering from the social pressure to appear “happily married” by co-existing nightly under the same set of sheets at the price of sleep loss, a potentially serious medical threat to one’s health and a surefire way to reduce emotional tolerance in any relationship.
Sex, Vacations and Visitors: We are a culture that tries to conform to conventional images that portray happiness and health. Isn’t that what advertising is all about? Happy couples in separate beds or bedrooms have not been pictured in catalogs, movies or television shows since Lucy and Desi. Yet, despite media displays of marital bliss as one bed, two spooning bodies, many couples sleep apart not because they are alienated from each other, but because they cannot forgo another night of sleep without losing all pleasure in living. When on vacation these same couples are challenged to find affordable options for separate rooms, and when visitors come to their home, they are faced with revealing this “anomaly” of coupling or spending a few nights back in the sack together sleepless again. That sexual contact is associated with sharing a bed is countered by anecdotes from many a couple who remain in the same bed while experiencing serious emotional and sexual alienation even to the point of seeing a divorce attorney. Bedding down together each night is no guarantee that intimacy of any kind is actually taking place.
Children: I have yet to find scholarly research on the impact on children of parents sleeping either in separate beds or bedrooms. Emphasis in blog posts and articles is on the relationship between spouses while they are awake ,which more fully tells their children the story of their parents’ relationship than who sleeps where. It is also useful to be clear why separate bedrooms work if the child raises the topic or has some questions. Children are not particularly eager to hear about their parents’ sex life, so a general sense that all is well is conveyed by affectionate displays and real life observations that their parents enjoy each other’s company, rather than grunts and groans heard through bedroom walls.
However, I did come across an article for parents who are getting divorced that includes an easy guide to understanding from a developmental perspective how children of different ages view their familial world, published by North Carolina State University. Understanding the stages of child awareness at all ages can help parents separate fears from facts.
The Un-Romantic Bed: My unromantic poster boy, Bill Maher, has the knack for flushing out hidden shame on many subjects. That sleep is important is not a new idea. But that in the search for a peaceful sleep, some succumb to the temptations that an “elixir” of sorts can, like the long sought fountain of youth, bring eternal happiness is exposed for the ruse that it is. And that “shameful fact” that many couples cannot achieve nocturnal bliss side-by-side should be outed as well, rather than guffawed over or sneered at as some skeleton in the marital closet. Perhaps Mr. Maher can out that fact as well? With all Coupledom issues, what is healthy is truth, earthy, often unromantic but not shameful. A good night’s sleep for each partner makes for a better Coupledom.
Have That Conversation. It is very personal but it is also very practical.
Sweet dreams.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
“Money Matters” in The Coupledom: Budget 2012
Money Is Big: As the New Year confronts us, money matters can loom large in the line-up of Coupledom challenges: What are the expenditure priorities this year? Who manages the finances? Who pays the monthly bills, or not? Who brings home the dough? Who decides on how it is spent? Who knows where the money is invested? Who does the investing? Who decides on what the kids get? Which in-law deserves a loan, which doesn’t? Shall I go on? I think we all get it. Money is big. Money is massive in all our lives, by its presence and absence. As an observer of money conversations between spouses or co-habitating partners I notice some mighty common themes running through them.
Pitfalls Of Only One Pair of Eyes: Trust is a basis for successful communication and its opposite, distrust, its nemesis. From my observation what creates or sustains a trustful financial component of The Coupledom is transparency, the ability of each partner to know as much as their spouse regarding how money is earned and how money is spent. This transparency becomes especially significant when other obstacles confront the family nest, such as economic downturns, requests for monetary help from relatives or friends, time spent apart when one travels with an expense account and the other is in charge of paying bills, deciding outlays of funds for household maintenance, or children’s activities. Often, when a couple’s relationship hits the skids, accusations around money flare up because someone has access at their fingertips of the financial fountain and someone else is clueless. Not good.
The Subjectivity of Money Meaning: Money has meaning, but not always the same meaning to everyone. For one member of The Coupledom, money is broken down into how many literal pennies are in the bank; to the other, it is simply a state, we have it or we don’t; for a third, no amount of money spells security. For someone else money is scary, and ignorance about its details is preferred. There are folks who only feel in control when they are at the financial helm and cannot trust another to handle the checkbook, online or otherwise. For others, money is gender related: men earn it and control it, women receive their portion of it and spend it. Thematically, in western culture, money means power. Divorcing women whose homes ran along traditional western style money habits bemoan their ignorant years of marriage where hubby alone knew where the money went. Regretful that they didn’t demand “transparency,” the ladies are left to feel ripped off and robbed, though the evidence of that is often ambiguous. Why the assumption? Only one pair of eyes was focused on the statements, the investments, the W2’s, the yearly tax statements sent to the IRS. Not good! As prevention is a key focus of these posts, my aim here is to suggest that couples revisit how they run their finances and consider some modifications.
Accept Difference: A commonplace financial battle is around perception. One member of the couple sees expenditures as in line with income. Another disagrees, feeling much can be cut, much is extravagant. House cleaning is one of those areas where, for women, getting extra help to manage the chaos left by young children, laundry and dust is a means to the end of creating a greater sense of order and relief once every couple of weeks. For their husband, it means money that is needlessly spent when a good strong woman, their wife, is quite adequate to complete the task. Who is right? Who is wrong? No one. What money may offer one partner as relief, may do nothing for the other. A round of golf costs a penny but provides therapy for the body and mind. Just like housecleaning. Yet, rather than allow for difference and with two pairs of eyes look at the budget and decide the breakdown with both needs equalized, couples fight, accuse and blame. Again, not good.
No Deciders Here: College tuition is another grand slam big bang of a fight. One believes in state schools, the other wants their child to go wherever he or she wishes, private or not. Two pairs of eyes need to know the budgetary facts, what can be relinquished to afford the other, when values are at odds. Is the parent who wants the option of sending their child to a private college willing to yield up some of their personal perks or return to work part-time? No one person should be the “decider” in family finances. “And that is final” are words not worthy of expression in our times; rather, they hearken back to the age of rigid roles based on gender implied by “father knows best,” or “father is an idiot and mom knows best.” Now the mantra needs to be, “We together can figure out what will fly.” Not best, not worst, but negotiable and with two pairs of informed eyes, looking at a budget on a screen, with bank accounts and investment accounts side by side to provide a “shared reality.” All veils lifted.
Information is Power: And money information is particularly empowering. Today our financial life and worth is online. Need I bother to list for folks that everything from credit card expenses to cell phone and mortgage accounts to broker trades, iTunes costs, savings and business accounts, is up for grabs with just the input of an arrangement of 8-16 letters and a couple of numbers or punctuation, for all to see. Empowered folks are those who know the contents of the family vault, literally and figuratively. Don’t kid yourselves, no matter how great a guy or gal your spouse may be, they are not perfect, may need another brain to figure out how to run the family finances and decide priorities for all rather than base it on the mindset of one. And a heads up here: the need of one partner to control the monies is not the best sign in a Coupledom either. If you have a partner who feels burdened by bill paying and account balancing yet refuses to share the password or allow you to take over some of the payments, have a serious conversation. What’s up with that? Trust, fear, secrets, issues of personal identity, esteem or fears of being viewed as incompetent or an inadequate breadwinner? Listening skills required here, as well as heavy draughts of empathy and curiosity with a sensitive eye toward tweaking what isn’t working without condemnation or judgment.
Money Is Very Personal: And so is the shared life. To make a success of one, you need to have a transparency of the other. Good luck, see an expert if your Coupledom hits a wall here. And welcome to Coupledom Finances 2012.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
The Coupledom Dreams: Using Our Unconscious To Communicate
Talking In Our Sleep: Lying next to each other, so near yet in our own worlds, The Coupledom dreams, every night in fact, during what is called the REM stage of sleep, which amounts to approximately 25% of sleeping time. Yet what do we do with this rich resource of mental activity as a couple? For most, not much. Though science has not agreed upon the purpose of dreaming, as with all human instinctual behavior, there must be a purpose or many purposes. Is it to cleanse the brain of daily clutter? To organize input for memory retrieval at a later date? Or perhaps dreaming serves multiple purposes including integrating meaningful material from the day’s matters with the day’s incidentals plus triggers from personal history, all in the service of the brain’s pressing need to master and solve challenges that befall it, past, present and future. Human beings are problem solvers, our brains are outfitted for just this purpose, whether our conscious minds are awake or asleep, the brain is on a mission.
I Never Dream: You know that old saying, “If I had a dime for every time someone has said to me ‘I never dream’ would I be rich?” Well, perhaps if a dime is a dollar today. In fact many folks who don’t recall their dreams believe that they don’t dream. And often are proud of it. But they do dream and once dreaming receives the “good housekeeping seal of approval” by a psychotherapist, friend or lover, remembered dreams, whether begun as fragments or whole entities, begin to appear, as if newly boxed and shipped from the inner canyons of our psyche. The question here is how can we use these reams of dreams to benefit The Coupledom?
Owning Your Dreams: There is a lot involved in the technique of dream ownership and “practical usage.” The first step is to begin to wonder if you have dreamed during sleep. And I use the phrase “during sleep” loosely to signify that dreams can occur any time; nighttime, nap time, dosing off time, waking up time. Often the best dream fragments are captured as we awake in the morning and that is when we need to snap them up, shards of things, sometimes images, or a story line unfinished. It is a lot like “back tracking” or following footprints in the snow, from the destination reached to the origin of departure. Feeling states upon waking can signal that a dream has preceded wakefulness. Follow the feeling state and often the dream memory returns. But dreams are tricky devils and flee with exposure to light/day/attention. So procure paper and pen, or some phrase or image plucked, and then memorize these fragments to provide the clue to reveal the dream. Once you have attained the status of a “dreamer” then begin to ponder the mystery that is your dream life.
Random or Personal: There is controversy about whether dreams are random brain activity or deep psychic creations fraught with highly charged significance. The latter explanation tends to scare off less psychologically minded souls. But what I am posing here is simply this: dreams are personal creations by individuals whose stories and images are guideposts to self-understanding and can become communications to another. It matters little, in my opinion, whether one chooses mystical meanings, Jungian, Freudian or any number of other takes on how to utilize dream material. Though dreams, as with all human endeavors, have common thematic emphases, some may represent powerlessness and be populated with images of being caught, trapped; others, performance anxiety themes with forgotten lines for a stage performance or the loss of study notes for an impending test triggered by feeling unprepared for something current. Dreams are essentially personal and scripted, accessorized and geographically located by our psyche alone. Therein lies the personal piece. A dream’s design is the exclusive product of our “brain”, ours for the unmasking, ours to ascribe meaning and usefulness. Ours to share.
Wandering Through You: When you do recall a dream or dream fragment, you have received an invitation to visit the unconscious, subconscious you. The dream world says, hey, here are some leftovers from your yesterday that warrant a look. This glimpse at how your brain experienced and mixed up yesterday’s “day residue” can fill you in on what you may not have had time to notice about the emotional meaning of yesterday’s adventures. My approach to dream work is simple: the significance of any dream is what the dreamer, awake, wants to make of it…though Freud and Jung and others explain dreams in formulations that are more prescriptive. I think the pragmatic usefulness to the individual is along the lines of taking one’s temperature and pulse each day: what can I learn about my current condition, my state of mind? What did my psyche choose to scramble together to create this dream and why? What is the emotional tone of the dream? Who are the players, and what about the dream draws on my past and combines it with my present?
Dream Sharing: ”Do you remember any dreams last night?” The Coupledom can offer up this morning inquiry as a linkage to each other’s world, even as one is showering, the other shaving or the kids are stuffing backpacks with lunches and rumpled pieces of last night’s homework. “Oh yeah, I dreamed of a big lion in the living room and he was sitting in dad’s chair.” Follow up later over supper. For the couple, this interest in each other’s dream world creates an avenue to more intimacy. Your spouse may have recurrent dreams of being chased when he or she is under a lot of pressure and by parsing over the dream images, may find relief in venting feelings about work issues and relationships that otherwise would remain buried and isolated from the relationship. The lion in the living room armchair could be a playful moment or a meaningful representation of a child’s take on dad. A dream that everyone showed up for Christmas and the turkey burned in the oven can be a wife’s anxiety of failing, once again, as she felt that she did years ago, to meet parental expectations. Talking about the dream offers her an opportunity to share with her spouse the humiliations of childhood, and allows him to comfort her and offer help as the holiday approaches that he otherwise would not have recognized as needed.
Time Limited And In Our Own Worlds: Human nature dictates that we spend much of our waking hours focused on mastering our challenges whatever they may be, which translates to, we are pretty self-absorbed, all of us. The Coupledom, the domicile in which the relationship resides, can suffer sorely from the self-absorption of its members. Utilizing the product of our dream life is an inherently rich mechanism for communicating what may matter most to our inner selves. Frankly, it only takes a moment. “Hey, guess what I dreamed about last night? I was in a house and outside this giant picture window was the sea and a wave swallowed up the house and I ran and had to leap over roof tops and finally I got to some apartment where my family lived and then I yelled at them, ‘Didn’t you know I was missing for a week! Why didn’t you look for me? No one looked for me!’” (How long did it take to read this, 40 seconds?) What does the dream say about the dreamer’s emotions that day, what inspired the dream and what can the telling of it reveal to the listener? Only the dreamer and their spouse can decide, but what a royal road to deeper understanding of self and other. Intimacy grows only through shared moments and in dream sharing one dips deep into the heart and soul of the self and emerges with a unique gift of communication and connection. Have fun with it. I do.
Caution: Never argue over meaning. If your partner suggests meaning or recalls a forgotten event that might explain a location, object or person appearing in your dream, but one you find disturbing or imposed, don’t fight about it. Just tuck it away, you never know. Our partners know a lot about us, “our stuff” that we don’t always consciously notice or remember. Refrain from using the other’s dreams or your own, as a weapon to fight an interpersonal and unstated cause. You can be passive-aggressive with dreams too. If you have a point to make, make it honestly, not couched in something else. Do not rob the dreamer of their dream. That will rip the potential intimacy right out of that shared moment.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
What Are The Daughters Thinking? DSK, Schwarzenegger, Clinton
Imagine: Can anyone imagine DSK’s lunch with his daughter 17 minutes after he left the Sofitel Hotel and his encounter with a hotel housekeeper? Whatever that moment was in the Sofitel, DSK shifted to dad mode within minutes of being “someone else.” His daughter Camille is a 25-year-old Columbia University graduate student. After her dad’s arrest and media coverage, what was Camille thinking? What are the Schwarzenegger daughters thinking? What did Chelsea think? The media cover all kinds of minutiae about the alleged perpetrators, their wives and the political and financial ramifications of the Dads’ misbehavior. But what are their daughters thinking, does anyone care?
SNL: My first imaginings of the DSK father-daughter luncheon devolved into a Saturday Night Live sketch, with lines like “Dad, you’re looking unusually disheveled, what are the toothpaste traces around your mouth (actually seen on a hotel security camera), and how was your suite at the Sofitel?” I do have a bent for satirizing some of life’s more challenging moments but this is no joke.
Budding Young Women: My concern is with these young women: Chelsea Clinton, Camille Strauss-Kahn, the two Schwarzenegger daughters, Katherine (21) and Christina (19) all who are or were (Chelsea was 18 when the Monica Lewinsky scandal broke) on the brink of female adulthood during the exposure of their fathers’ adulterous and in some cases ludicrous and sloppy behavior. For Camille Strauss-Kahn, there is the added alleged criminality. For the Schwarzenegger sisters the outrage of sharing their home and possibly affection with their mom’s betrayer. For Clinton, impeachment proceedings.
What Are The Fathers Doing To Their Daughters? The media are like that street cleaner, it rolls through the dirty streets, picking up all matter of debris, but always leaving something significant and unclean behind. And this for me is the something unclean, never acknowledged; what are these fathers of daughters thinking when they are about to embark on their mischief? Might it behoove them to remember that they have daughters?
Papa Bear: Throughout the centuries in all corners of our planet, men have seen fit to warn their daughters that their fellow man has only one thing on his mind: sex. There is probably an equivalent expression for that sentence in almost every language. It is common to hear teenage girls rail against their dads’ distrust of the young fellows lurking about or how their dads lose it when seeing them dressed for school or a party, demanding a change in attire, cover up or stay home. Where is this same dad when he is ogling someone else’s daughter or chasing the housemaid around the laundry room? Doesn’t he know about trust?
Dad’s Role As the Trust Builder: Bill Clinton named his daughter Chelsea after the song “Chelsea Morning”, which was associated with visits to the Chelsea section of London with mom Hillary. In protective mode, the Clintons sought the advice of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis on raising Chelsea in the White House whirlwind, aiming ironically to keep her safe from intrusive eyes and media scrutiny. Yet at age 18, one could say that Chelsea was tossed to the wolves, eaten up alive by a relentless media and political arch rivals of her dad. At that point it was too late; short of locking her in a closet for the next two years or perhaps forever, Daddy was sure not protecting his girl. You can say the same for DSK and Arnold. Thrown to the wolves, under the bus and worst of all, destroying their trust, perhaps forever, trust of their dads, trust of men in their future, trust that someone who loves them, or claims to, will never forget them because of an urge or a needed high.
Human Nature Is Contradictory: We are complex creatures, and can be pulled in opposite directions, act on one need and forget all the others. Because of our flaws, we must try harder to care for others. Would it have been unthinkable for any of these men to factor in how their daughters would feel, the scars, the imprint on their psyche of males as uncontrollable lunatics who besmirch their wedding vows and humiliate their daughters? Consider this: about to leave in the morning for work, Arnold sees the housekeeper move sensuously through the kitchen with a laundry basket in her arms. Something about her sway, her sweetness and the silence of an empty house, swept over him. She glances back over her shoulder, perhaps with a come hither look in her eyes. What could Arnold have done besides follow her? A lot. Acknowledge his weakness, his addiction, his inability to refuse an offer, and think about the daughters who will be home from school at the end of the day, whose laundry this lady was about to wash. Get help! Grow up. You are a dad of daughters. You are their model for men. Don’t F it up.
Why Don’t We Expect More? Whose job is it to educate men of the psychological damage they do to their daughters when they walk on the wild side? Whose job is it to shake them out of their denial that “no one will find out,” or rationalization, “since the marriage was bad, I needed that.” While the media is busy pontificating about all sorts of things, Maria’s betrayal, Hillary’s denial, DSK’s Tribeca hideout, no one is saying, “What about the daughters?”
Where Does The Coupledom Fit in Here? Awareness. Wives and mothers, husbands and fathers: have the conversation. There is plenty of material out there for all to speculate upon and use as a stepping-off point for a grown-up look at responsibility, addiction, ownership of flaws, and the virtues of remembering the daughters before you pull the panties off of someone other than their moms.
Daddy’s Role in Healing Broken Hearts: If it is too late, and the girls’ hearts are broken, daddy needs to be part of the healing, through joint therapy, through hours spent listening and understanding their daughters’ pain, and striving to earn their respect and trust once again. It won’t be easy but denying that they need to actively take on a role in helping their daughters in any way they can, is not allowed. Nope, they broke it, now at least try to fix it. And better yet, keep the image of that kid in your mind at all times, actively so. That’s parenting and prevention.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Addressing “Married, with Infidelities” within The Coupledom
Taking a break from taking a break, I couldn’t resist commenting on a very interesting article in the magazine section of today’s NY Times, Married, With Infidelities, by Mark Oppenheimer, who writes the Beliefs column. (Especially in the light of all the recent conversation about infidelity surrounding former NY Congressman Anthony Weiner and his Sexting escapades, about which I also blogged recently.)
It raises many questions, the answers to which, if any, in my opinion, rest within the individual Coupledom. But strolling down this complicated topic lane together can stretch and strengthen your Coupledom. And stroll is the operative word here. Don’t rush the conversation or force it towards answers. The Coupledom that develops the skills to converse personally, trying to avoid gender clichés or stereotyping their partner’s responses, may increase their emotional intimacy, which is mighty important too.
Levels Of Betrayal: I Did Not Have Sex(t) With That Woman
Defining Betrayal: The over-active Anthony Weiner, whose nimble fingers have twittered him into some pretty deep you know what, has added a new twist to the ever popular presidential pronouncement, “I did not have sex with that woman.” What is infidelity and what grade are these men in when they come up with their personal definition? First base O.K. Second base a bit risky if the wifey founds out. Third base? Is reaching “home” the only true portal to “infidelity?” Who is the decider on this one in The Coupledom, leaving Congress out of it for the moment?
How Do Their Minds Work?: The year 2011 has been unusually fertile in scandal, betrayal and the question of what defines infidelity. For the French, does chasing a hotel housekeeper, and perhaps aggressively thrusting your body parts into her, qualify? Could it be impregnating the help and harboring her for the next ten years in your home rather than “abandon” the poor lady to the streets to perhaps blackmail you? Then again, there is the new twist on the old theme of flirting over the water cooler, twittering away the hours texting porn stars or sending your buff image, topless or otherwise, to college girls and anyone remotely interested. Is this a variant of peeking up the skirts of the girls out in the playground or hard-core betrayal? What Are These Men Thinking? Really!
Sexual Addiction: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Tiger Woods, DSK (Dominique Strauss Kahn), John Edwards, Anthony Weiner, Eliot Spitzer, Bill Clinton: are all these powerful men addicted to the rush of sexual conquest? Is it a symptom of an unhappy or sexless marriage? Perhaps giant egos gorging on adoring and surrendering females, or escorts? Sex with strangers can be an antidepressant or part of a manic episode in a bipolar illness. I don’t have the answer to this question. But what is certain and identical in every case is that all were married men.
Are These Men Fatal To The Coupledom?: A faithful follower of my blog, and herself a budding therapist, asked me in an email What can couples do to prevent this kind of betrayal?” She astutely posed the question ”Could anything have saved these men? Would a technique within the marriage have been able to circumvent the nasty habits forming?” Many would take exception to the phrase “save these men” and substitute “save these women.” I will take it another step, “Could anything save these Coupledoms?”
Pre- and Post- Nuptial Conversation, Minus the Denial: What strikes me is the paucity of information couples nail down about their potential partner prior to linking up legally. To my question, “What attracted you to this person?” I often hear, “He/She was fun” or “We liked to do the same things.” Sometimes, “I loved his family/her family” or “We have the same values.” Just not good enough. In the age of Facebook and Twitter, email and Skype, there are more than fifty ways to betray your lover. In a nanosecond you can take down a Coupledom. Could be between stops on the subway or stepping out of a congressional hearing. Therefore it behooves couples to have a conversation.
A Stroll Through Another Mind: I suppose one might take comfort in thinking that their partner is neither powerful nor rich. No pass on that one. Anyone can break vows or rationalize their way into betrayal. What might be more useful than denial or wishful, blissful thinking is knowledge. True, people lie or innocently say, “I would never do that.” To a simple question, you get a simple answer. The process here is more complex, a stroll through the mind in conjunction with a review of the past. Both partners can talk about what it would mean if they found out that the other flirt twittered, exchanged photos, buff or otherwise, Facebook searched and chatted with old flames or potential new ones. Yes, I know this is tricky, a delicate exploration, but hopefully not one that will derail in defensive maneuvers or accusations. Agree to set the bar higher.
The Flirtatious Partner: If you have chosen a flirtatious partner, remember that tendency typically is part of their DNA. Both of you can own that fact and flesh out its ramifications to problem solve how protect to The Coupledom. Finding ways within the relationship to satisfy some of that drive would be a trust-building and affirming activity.
History’s Warning: Most of the men cited above had a history. Taking the data from the history and using it to jointly determine a future breaks down the damaging defenses of denial and magical thinking and says, “Hey, our Coupledom is vulnerable here, what can we do to strengthen it given the personalities, past history, and ample opportunities out there to cheat? Let’s get tough and own this stuff.” Did Anthony Weiner’s wife know of his flirtatious past and discuss with him how much traveling she would be doing, how much time away from each other and the possible impact? Did Maria say to Arnold, “Look, I know that you grab and grope, let’s look at this together? What propels you? Maybe we should see someone and get this stuff out there before we sign off on a life together.” If so, did Arnold get it, or just appear to do so. Was it a true search of the soul, or just a game?
The Techno-Coupledom: Words are not a silver bullet but the thoughtful process and articulation of ideas can be. Most folk do not consciously think about the fine line between “flirting” and “hurting.” They harbor assumptions or rationalizations but none are formulated or pondered, or shared.
I suggest that having this conversation is a strengthening exercise for The Coupledom. If there is an “addiction” or the inclination, here is an opportunity to take some preventative measures. If one’s sexual and relational code, subtly passed down from family of origin, clashes with that of your mate, here is the moment to learn that difference, rather than following a painful discovery of infidelity. New codes can be created together.
Easy To Cheat, Easy To Get Caught: The facts are clear: it is easier to cheat in the techno age but it is also easier to get caught. Everyone knows how to break into emails, check phone history, access texts and twitter messages, or knows someone with the requisite skills. Anthony Weiner, after stepping out, is now stepping down. What will happen to his Coupledom, his wife, both their careers, and his constituents, will unfold over time. A steep price for some sexual highs that are taking down a lot of people, one unborn.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W, L.C.S.W. 2011
Maria And Arnold: A Rorschach Test
Separation Tremors: The announcement that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years married and four children may be sending out tremors beyond the confines of the couples’ California home. What can have gone awry? Mid-life crisis; infidelity; anorexia; male or female menopause; the end of a political marriage matching the termination of a gubernatorial career?
But what is certain is that many couples may be projecting some of their concerns, fantasies and worries onto the Shriver Schwarzenegger Coupledom. Could this happen to us?
Projection! That is the process in which we impose our own thematic notions and concerns onto someone else or something else. As in a Rorschach test, used in psychological testing, where ink blots splattered on a page are interpreted by individuals in ways that reflect the workings of their psyches, how an individual interprets events in the world around them, mirrors what is of significant concern in his or her personal world.
Opportunity Knocks: A married man in his forties interprets the Shriver Schwarzenegger separation from Maria’s perspective: she is done with him; his flirtations; his groping; his ego. A woman who has been happily married for 25 years with the same man, but was raised in a world of infidelity and misogyny, has a different focus; she thinks Arnold is dumping his wife for a younger woman; an older woman ponders the possibility that the loss of Shriver’s parents in recent years liberates her to leave a self-centered and selfish man so that she can affirm her right to happiness.
Famous Break Ups and What They Can Do For Your Coupledom: Whether it is Tiger or Sandra, Tipper and Al, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, famous breakups cause speculation and fear in the hearts of many. For the self-reflective pair, questioning what when wrong in the relationship of a well-known couple can reveal concerns in their own partnership. Sharing with your partner some of these “projections” openly and inquiring into his or her notions, could lead to a more in depth conversation about what is good, what is feared and what could be worked on. Family of origin issues influence what expectations and projections may be at work in the hearts and minds of members of a Coupledom. If one of the partnership comes from a family of adultery, then how does that history operate in their Coupledom? If one interpreted their parent’s marriage as “staying together for the children’s sake”, then the fear that they may find themselves doing the same, is worthy of airing and sharing.
Risk and Loss in Love: We know that partnering is risky business. Someone we love can leave us, humiliate us, or become boring to us. With separations and divorces all around us, and the fact that no one really knows all the variables at work in another couples’ break-up, observing one’s “projections” or notions of what brought down another’s coupledom can reflect the fears of what could bring down our own coupledom. These same fears or fantasies provide a rich opportunity to increase self-awareness and share concerns with our partners: a serviceable form of prevention.
Leave No Stone Unturned: Mine the misery of others to avoid your own. Why not? Projections provide a canvas of concern worthy of our attention. Use it!
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
