The Couples Tool Kit
Working together as a team of three — by Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., Specialist in Couples TherapyArchive for Narcissim
Recognizing The Co-Narcissism In Your Coupledom
Watch Your Step: Couples relationships incorporate a complex interplay of behaviors and emotions that are products of the unspoken but powerful contract that provides a substructure of the shared life. There can be many substructures that compose the foundation of the attachment, some healthy and sustaining, such as common values and passions, others harmful and erosive to the bond. And one of the most harmful is the dance of co-narcissism…the “watch your step” or you may step on a crack that will break your partner’s trust and shatter, in a nanosecond, the fragile links holding the bond together. This is also described by many as the quality of “walking on egg shells” or “tip toeing around someone.”
The Beast Of Narcissistic Vulnerability In All Of Us: For some couples, the role of co-narcissist is fixed and rigid. The co-narcissistic partner is valued by the other as long as they satisfy their partner’s spoken and unspoken needs at the expense of their own individuality and emotional reality. The co-narcissist has been trained in childhood to subsume their identity into the folds of a parent’s needs, their day-to-day security in the “loving” parental bosom is only as good as their ability to mirror that parent’s greatness, goodness, talent, beauty, genius, or perfection in all things including parenting. By the time these youngsters reach adulthood, integrated into their psychological DNA is a finely attuned vigilance to another’s needs, along the lines of a lady’s maid or his lordship’s obedient servant, whose survival rests on anticipating and gratifying the lord’s or lady’s every whim. If they fail at their task, the beast dwelling within the seemingly normal human facade breaks out and roars, whines, whimpers, accuses, withholds or withdraws, with the taint of unworthiness, incompetence or cruelty smeared all over their partner’s character and self-image. In some Coupledoms, these roles are fixed. But in most Coupledoms, individuals take turns playing the parts, depending on a lot of variables including context, trauma, age, illness, loss and failure.
Owning The Narcissist Within: A surefire method to protect your Coupledom from Invasive Narcissistic Couples’ Disorder (my term), a virulent destroyer of mutual love and respect, is to own the narcissistic inclinations and attitudes within you. Most of us are replete in narcissistic habits of thinking, behaving and feeling. And a closer scrutiny of our tenaciously held belief systems in relationships will reveal some of the most toxic/self-absorbed, narcissistic ones. With an open mind and honest examination of self, matched by a willingness to hear how your partner experiences you, owning your narcissist within can save a whole marriage. Wow!
The Defensive You: What makes us all so defensive in exchanges with our partners about our “imperfections” is that we think any correction, suggestion or complaint, means we are all bad, all defective, failures at being lovable. So we bark, and balk about any single “criticism” or attack the other, feeling righteous and victimized. Oops, normal but not good and too much of it is creates long-term damage. Defensive responses, such as “I don’t do that but you do” (“turning the tables on the other” or “blame the victim”, familiar maneuvers to us all) or “I am never good enough.” Or “there is always something, I can never please you” can often be the narcissist in us speaking. Catch your defensiveness and you will find fearfulness, the threat that lurks beneath it and is based on very young notions that “I have to be perfect or I am unlovable, shameful or bad.” Change that nine-year old thinking and voila you have graduated middle school, skipped high school and now are an adult! At last.
Owning The Co-Narcissist Within: Alternatively, even as you are narcissistic at times, you may also be the one tiptoeing around on some issues or during particular stages of your relationship with your partner. Areas of discussion that are taboo are often indicative of co-narcissistic moments. A partner who won’t bring up a critical topic with their spouse ever, for fear that they will be perceived as having broken an unspoken vow, or being seen as an enemy, may often throw someone else under the bus as a consequence. Perhaps it concerns a child or parents, or the partner themselves, yet the threat of being perceived as hurtful or untrustworthy impairs judgment and impacts unfairly another, maybe you or your child. This could be around a spouse’s job loss, an illness, an addiction, or a sexual disappointment. If you notice that you are hyper-vigilant and micromanaging others, children particularly, around your spouse at certain times, you need to uncover the belief system behind these feelings, haul it out and question what you are doing, the ramifications for all, and make different choices, perhaps with help. This can be crucial to you, your marriage and your family.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Then there are those folks who suffer from and suffer others with their “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” which is vividly described in an article by Gudrun Zomerland, MFT, who is adept at capturing both how co-narcissists and narcissists come into being, and their impact on the Coupledom. The disorder, in its most severe form, is very hard to treat. Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often finds individual or couples therapy terribly threatening due to a mostly unconscious fear that others may see their “imperfections or flaws.” This possibility threatens to reveal their big secret, that they are in fact worthless, unlovable and shameful souls. Do they know that? Are these feelings so camouflaged by their opposite – self-love, self-importance, self-absorption and an inability to have empathy or interest in anyone who isn’t serving their needs – that even they don’t know what lies within their hearts? I don’t have the answer. Some may suspect and others may even give life to those feelings, but often that is just a fleeting moment before they fall back on their defensive, narcissistic posture.
The “N” Word: Villainizing Your Partner Or Your Ex: Writing this piece is a bit worrisome to me for fear folks may use it destructively. I have observed a trend in recent years where angry partners slam each other with the “N” word, making it more a weapon than a description of behavior or attitude. And ultimately weakening its usefulness. This piece is an attempt to elevate a conversation between two parties who share a relationship where each can own their “N” or “Co-N” piece without shame and ultimately mature together in the process. I work with couples that come into therapy convinced in their belief that the other wants to demean them or put them down, only to find out that in fact, this is not the case. This “narcissistic vulnerability” makes them view a partner’s initial attempts to describe the other’s impact on them, or some minor correction, as something personally threatening and ultimately so mangled and distorted in their personal viewfinder that instead of understanding, suspicion and distrust ensue. Particular subjects, such as parenting for women, and earning power for men, sexual appeal or ability for both, are sensitive spots and therefore are viewed as a personal attack, insult or assault. Finding out that this is not the case, that there are two people in the relationship which introduces multiple possibilities, reactions, beliefs and styles, liberates everyone to be able to trust again, grow up and become a much healthier, satisfied and happy Coupledom.
Help: This is work, wonderful work. For the therapist and for the couple who strip themselves of archaic belief systems which cripple trust and begin to embark on a real bonding based on honest self-reflection and empathy for another. Get an expert to help you do this very important work. Everyone benefits, the individual, the couple and the family.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
Free Holiday Gifts
As the holidays consume our time and attention, I suspect reading blogs will fall down on the “to do” list. But just in case you have a moment now or after the Times Square Ball drops us into 2012, take a peek at the contents page of The Couples Tool Kit. Or dip into the “search” category.
I have been posting on couples’ relationships for over two years with topics covering a broad area. There is a post dealing with weight gain in The Coupledom; a post about depression as the secret menace; the passive-aggressive punch that unhinges many a Coupledom; the plethora of narcissistic challenges from spouses, in-laws and parents; divorce and ex-laws; divorce and children; singledom blues; gift giving; sex – a powerful absence; women frightened and men not listening; infidelity; education of children, a needed Coupledom priority; having gay, Muslim, Hasidic, or transgender children; bullying wives; dreams as a tool with which to communicate in marriage; myths in marriage; adopted adults adopting; the art of listening to each other; denial and addiction in The Coupledom.
Many more posts but I think my message is clear. These are my gifts to you for the holiday. Sounds presumptuous? Perhaps, but they are also free.
Merry and Happy Everything to you all. I will be back with both a Coupledom piece and a Parenting Adult Special Needs post immediately after New Years.
Holiday Toolkit 2011: The Narcissist’s Stocking Stuffer: A Coupledom Alert
What do you get a narcissist for the holidays? No, this isn’t a bad joke — just another helpful post from The Holiday Toolkit intended to help you survive the most wonderful time of the year.
Today’s post from the Holiday Toolkit:
Excerpt:
How many days to Thanksgiving? To Hanukkah? To Christmas? To Kwanzaa? To New Year’s Eve? Enough to create a big fat Coupledom mess. What are the holidays known for in my profession? Opportunity for families to become combustible, leaving memories scorched with flames. Why? Holidays provide fertile ground for narcissistic orgies rich in ultimatums, perceived rejections and ample distorted projections.
You can read the full post here: The Narcissist’s Stocking Stuffer: A Coupledom Alert
And you can check out the other posts in the Holiday Toolkit here.
The Narcissist’s Stocking Stuffer: A Coupledom Alert
Holidays Coming: How many days to Thanksgiving? To Hanukkah? To Christmas? To Kwanzaa? To New Year’s Eve? Enough to create a big fat Coupledom mess. What are the holidays known for in my profession? Opportunity for families to become combustible, leaving memories scorched with flames. Why? Holidays provide fertile ground for narcissistic orgies rich in ultimatums, perceived rejections and ample distorted projections.
Tradition Or Narcissism? The hallmark of unhealthy narcissism is the characteristic inability to walk in someone else’s moccasins, i.e. stuck like cement in your own experience, unable to imagine another’s and bewildered, hurt or enraged at the suggestion that you do so. A good mistletoe example of this occurs when a newly created family is formed of someone’s grown up child, their spouse, perhaps a newborn or two and some in-laws. For twenty-five years, give or take a decade, “everyone” has gone to Mom’s and Dad’s to decorate the tree on Christmas Eve. This is what is termed a family tradition. When that tradition needs to morph a bit to accommodate the needs of new members, geography, expanded parameters of all kinds, the response of family members reveals whether this is a precious tradition, mortal and malleable, or a rigid demand that tests “loyalty and love?”
Two Thanksgivings? Impossible: The divorced or blended family can add its own mix of narcissistic spice to the holiday brew when offspring are rebuked or guilted into feeling that where they hang their stocking shows the truth of their devotion! Really? And as Thanksgiving occurs only on the last Thursday in November, there is even a greater opportunity for betrayal as your options are narrowed down. Who ever heard of celebrating two Thanksgivings, one on Thursday and one on Friday or Saturday? I have. Can you eat that much turkey and sweet potato casserole? Not well, but you can serve a prime rib and potato au gratin, can’t you? Yes you can. Two Thanksgivings? Impossible? Not really. It’s not as if you were asking for two moons to fill our planet’s celestial sky. It is just two meals on two different days. NO!
The “How Could You?” Highway: Despite my irreverent tone (I admit to harboring mixed feelings about a “tradition” that functions as a ball and chain) I take this topic quite seriously. As a clinician I bear witness to the havoc that holidays have bestowed on decent folk who view the upcoming festivities with dread, knowing that one side of the family or another is going to be bent out of shape by whatever decision doesn’t conform to their expectation. The narcissistic mandate to gratify what might be a rigid and subjective notion of holiday loyalty comes disguised as love, bonding, or respect for tradition, one’s elders or family ties. There are all kinds of garbs put on to pose as a caring family. But the telltale sign of defective empathy and imagination is rigidity. My way. Our way. Or the How Could You? Highway. “How could you want to do anything that displeases us or doesn’t match our vision?”
Seasonal Deja Vu: There are many variations on the holiday family drama. Children of divorce, no matter their age, often approach the season with a form of post traumatic stress disorder, reliving the agonies of tense drop-offs and pick-ups, experiencing a sense of sadness or apprehension, grief, loneliness or anxiety. And often, the antagonisms that made their childhood holidays fraught with displeasure still exist. For the Coupledom that they have formed, attention needs to be paid to sorting out past pains from present joys and possible continuing obstacles. (Please see my previous post “ Holiday Mayhem For The Coupledom”.) Are the parents still alienated enough that the adult children are trapped with concerns of appearing to choose sides? Is the pressure of pleasing families in far-flung geographic locales, one set of in-laws here, another elsewhere, difficulties compounded by transporting infants in pouches, squirmy toddlers and diaper bags through crowded airports, putting a strain on your relationship? Who can we satisfy? Who will we hurt or anger? (See also Triangle Traps.) “Are we turning on each other because we feel helpless and afraid?”
Boundaries, The Stocking Stuffer of Choice: The Coupledom that faces these challenges has an opportunity to develop two critical life skills that will enhance their Coupledom enormously: boundary creation and unification of their Coupledom identity. Boundaries and Coupledom identity (not fusion, rather two independent but deeply linked individuals) form a solid and secure place to go when forces outside the marriage threaten to weaken it. Couples can find themselves at odds with each other about how to approach the holidays because of confusion of loyalty, fears of rejection and an incomplete or partially formed image of their relationship, never truly examined, or fleshed out with sufficient consensus to provide a reliable template. Now is the time. And with a more complete portrait of who we are as a couple, boundaries will naturally emerge out of that newly formulated identity. Those boundaries represent a map for how we as a couple approach the rest of our families and friends. We are the team that, most important of all, listens to each other, and then together decides the game plan and consequently stuffs the stockings of our beloved or not so beloved extended family members with the gift of our boundaries, knowing who we are, what we are, and what we can offer to them.
Words Words Words, Only Words? I know, this sounds like a lot of therapy jargon and abstraction. But how do we actually do this? Any way you want. Draw pictures of the optimal image of your Coupledom. Send each other emails, write letters, dream apart and together, look for models around you. But most of all, have the conversation face to face over time. And…
Beliefs That Are Relics Of The Past: …check into your “beliefs.” This is a key element in understanding yourself. What we believe is expected of us or is “right” is often an archaic relic of a child’s mind or messages received very young. Haul those beliefs out, “Am I good or bad if I do this or that?” “If I do comply or don’t comply?” “If I or we do it differently?” “Is it unloving to not gratify?” What are your shoulds and are they really appropriate for the grown-up you now are and the adult life you are forming? Both members of the Coupledom need to do this work, together and apart, and bring it into the conversation.
A Couples’ Discovery: And if you stumble or just can’t find a road map here, please call in an expert, one of those therapists who know how to facilitate a couples’ discovery of self, partner, the worlds you come from and the world that you are attempting to create today. From this exploration emerges a new entity with dignity intact, boundaries agreed upon and directions in place. Most of all, keep it pliable, not grounded in cement with updated versions of equally rigid traditions, demands and visions, a system that can morph as the times require, responsive to question and modification. Keep it pliable, and guess what, wherever the narcissistic challenge in your Coupledom life, you will be ready for it. Happy Holidays.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Oldies but Goodies: Can You Say No To A Narcissist? Co-Narcissism and The Coupledom
Jill is taking a break from the blog this week. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so.
Excerpt:
Do You Often Feel Invisible in The Coupledom? Healthy narcissism is a good thing. We need to care enough about ourselves to stay healthy, strive to achieve, pick caring partners, and teach our children the same. However, the line drawn in the sand is how the needs and feelings of others factor in to the equation. In the intimacy of a marriage or committed partnership, if one member is primarily caught up with trying to please the other, to manage their partner’s moods, and screen all experience through the lens of the effect on their partner, then you have a Coupledom in the throes of reactivity to unhealthy narcissism.
You can read the full post here:
Can You Say No To A Narcissist? Co-Narcissism and The Coupledom
Can You Say No To A Narcissist? Co-Narcissism and The Coupledom
Narcissism: For the purposes of this post I am using a definition of narcissism found on a website called Seximus: “Narcissism, behavior which involve exclusive self-absorption. A degree of narcissism is considered normal, where an individual has a healthy self-regard and realistic aspirations. It is considered pathological behavior when the person tends to harbor an exaggerated sense of his own self-importance and uniqueness.”
To expand that description, self-importance and uniqueness may refer to negative assessments as well. A person can be self-absorbed with their presumed flaws as well as their presumed greatness.
Self -Absorption: The characteristic that leaps out is “self-absorption” to the virtual exclusion of the needs and concerns of others. Consider this behavior on a continuum from normal to abnormal and everything else in between. Situational narcissism can occur to anyone during setbacks brought on by health, work, interpersonal distress and loss and should reverse with time. Narcissistic behavior that pervades situations regardless of external challenges speaks more to personality style and is the focus of this post.
Co-Narcissism: In a 2005 article psychologist Alan Rappoport, Ph.D. coined the term co-narcissism to describe the adaptation that children make to deal with narcissistic parents and is characterized by feeling overly responsible and compelled to meet the needs of the other. For our purposes I will use that term to describe the role of a spouse when faced with the narcissistic behavior of their partners
Do You Often Feel Invisible in The Coupledom? Healthy narcissism is a good thing. We need to care enough about ourselves to stay healthy, strive to achieve, pick caring partners, and teach our children the same. However, the line drawn in the sand is how the needs and feelings of others factor in to the equation. In the intimacy of a marriage or committed partnership, if one member is primarily caught up with trying to please the other, to manage their partner’s moods, and screen all experience through the lens of the effect on their partner, then you have a Coupledom in the throes of reactivity to unhealthy narcissism.
The invisibility factor enters the Coupledom when the co-narcissist feels unseen and unheard. Their “real” self melts away, and is replaced by a hyper vigilant, micro managing and eroding self. Typically a patient who answers the question “How are you ? by talking about their partner “Things were better this week. She was in a better mood.” is defining their well being in terms of their partner’s state of mind. If the partner is having a better week, then “Things are good.” In fact, it is not the patient who is better at all, just the tenuous “holding environment” that is keeping their partner sufficiently satisfied so as to make the home life “OK” for now.
In the children’s book “If You Give A Moose A Muffin” by Laura Joffe Numeroff, a young boy shares his freshly baked muffins with a Moose lured from the woods by the scent of fresh baked goods. A spontaneous act of kindness (and a toss of a muffin out a window) triggers a cascade of moose demands for homemade jam, more muffins, a sweater to ward off the chill, socks, sock puppets, and materials for scenery, all of which sends the little fellow running hither and thither to satisfy his antlered guest. This is a hilarious and wonderfully wise depiction of “narcissism” when extrapolated to the “human world”. Consumed by moose needs, the boy has time for nothing else. Subtract the fun and adventure and this little fellow has been hijacked into the role of a co-narcissist.
Hit Them Over The Head With The “I” of The Other: It does take two to make the narcissistic contract work. “Enabling” well describes the role of the co-narcissist who chooses amongst survival strategies to share a life with a narcissistic partner. These choices may include constant vigilance to anticipate the needs of the other, preemptive behaviors to prevent a breakdown in the system, attempts at mind reading and micro managing family members; or avoidance by creating distance between themselves and their partner while searching out a separate and often secret life. These behaviors may appear to be survival strategies but come with great costs. Children learn the model of submission, or avoidance and the horrible habit of NEVER BEING ABLE TO SAY NO! The narcissistic partner may wonder why everyone seems unhappy, and blames the spouse or someone else for that unhappiness. And the spouse continues to melt away, losing more and more of the self, until there is only a shadow to remind them of what was once their “I”.
The Power of the I: I exist too. I have needs. I have feelings. I am here too. I see me and you need to see me as well. My experience as a clinician has shown me that the self-absorbed individual needs to be figuratively “hit over the head” with the reality of the other. They need to be painstakingly taught that their self-absorption, though it may seem like survival for them, takes down their dearest relationships if unchanged. Their partner has to reconstruct a sense of self, recognize their right to have needs and resign from the job of placating or enhancing the other. It is an emancipation proclamation. I am here too. I eat, I sleep, I dream, I cry, I don’t like football, I do like Lifetime T.V. I am not evil just because I say NO to you. I exist too!!!
That Charming Moose: Unlearning the habits of a lifetime for that charming moose will not be easy. Nor for the little boy. But a muffin with a little homemade blackberry jam should suffice. After all, the little boy may need to take a bath and do his homework. And it just may be time to go. The Moose is big though; shrinking down to human size will take courage and conviction and practice. If the Coupledom is going to survive, the Big N (Narcissism) has to be acknowledged, along with its counterpart, Co-Narcissism, and collectively morphed into the Big C (The Coupledom, that domicile where the relationship resides and both parties in it have equal weight).
A Team of Three: The challenge to evolve from a Narcissistic Coupledom to a Healthy Coupledom will take emotional muscle. The Narcissistic partner will need time and teaching to grasp what caring for others looks like, and the Co Narcissist time to test out the new tools of self affirmative behavior. These are tasks comparable to learning a new language, a new culture and a new way of walking. Bring in an expert and work as a team of three to ensure a safe journey to the proper destination.
©jill edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2010
