The Couples Tool Kit
Working together as a team of three — by Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., Specialist in Couples TherapyArchive for Shared Life
Valentine’s Day Gifts Take Some Knowing
Listen and Learn: Over the decades, I have been privy to the attitudes, joys and disappointments of countless Valentine Days. Due to this rich sampling of heart shaped emotionalism, my gift to my readers is the wisdom gleaned from the unique vantage point of the clinician: Think! What Do I Know About My Partner, his/her likes; his/her wants; his/her values; his/her dreams? Let this knowledge be the foundation of my Valentine.
Maximize The Valentine: In short, this most romantic day of the year, as powerful as anniversaries marking love at first sight to nuptial vows, when handled properly, can provide a dab of glue to the bond; a welcomed remembrance of past passion; and fortitude for the future. The GPS suggested here requires a brief inventory of the characteristics, likes and desires of the person with whom you are bonded. Generic gifts of flowers, candy, dirty cards and not so special jewelry may suffice for the first one, two or three shared Valentines. But for those who have notched up five, ten or fifteen plus February 14ths, stretching the boundaries beyond Hallmark may be in order.
Here are My Tips; (This applies to male valentines as well as female, and same gender couples): The opportunity to show your partner/spouse/lover that you do listen, are empathic, or can go beyond your own pleasures, is ripe here. What do I know about my lover? What moves them, attracts them, motivates and inspires them. Honesty is critical here. Does my partner respond to peer pressure, the “in look”? Does serious jewelry connote serious caring? Is date night at a special spot the magic that messages the love? A vacation destination? Fine. Gratify him/her. Does my partner long for a weekend away from the kids, or one night? Make it happen, call a sitter, a family member, a friend and arrange the details. Women particularly see a “plan” made by their hubby/lover as a true sign of caring. It can be a “shared outing” or a night with girls. For the guy, a wife/lover who gets tickets to his fav team, or bird watching outing, is going outside her comfort zone, which conveys a depth of caring that leaves a lasting memory of love. Outside one’s comfort zone!, KEY!
What Rocks His/Her Boat? For some “try a little tenderness”…Young mothers, whose bodies are busy nursing, nurturing and cleaning up, may desire nothing as much as a break from that, or a professional spa day. The body experience that does not involve care taking but its opposite. For some men, a stress less day…or night: a truly romantic and sexual moment or 9 holes of golf. No matter…the gift of knowing is what we are about. Knowing, not judging.
Completing That Job With Kisses and Hearts: Something gratefully received may be “relief from a typical pressure or chore.” Examples might include actually “finishing” a house project long-delayed and sealing it with a heart-shaped hand written message of love. What does your partner yearn for that may not involve shopping? Could it be painting the bathroom or clearing out some closet space for their storage. Here, this is for you, because I love you, I know you need this and Happy Valentine’s day to my love. But add the card or the note or a bouquet draped cross the towel rack. Have some fun!
Food: Could it be something as simple as a home-made meal, a favorite dish, a few candles on the table. Cooked by the man? Think out of the box…and not the heart shaped one from CVS! But if that is the box that touches the heart, that’s cool too. Corny or clever, it doesn’t matter. We are talking about “knowing” your partner, i.e. “acceptance”.
Shared Giving: For many Coupledoms the operative word is “shared”… not what is shared, but that it is shared. Time together, a precious commodity that runs out with age, becomes the most desired Valentine. Less attention is paid to what is given or gotten. Rather what is enjoyed together. Two hearts that overlap.
Happy Valentine’s Day: Being Known and Loved is The Greatest Gift of All.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
The Secret To A Happy Marriage: Self-Expansion
A Tip To Start The Coupledom Off On The Right Foot in 2011: The sum of one partner part plus one partner part equals two partner parts: No! Not if you follow the research. In fact, as mentioned in previous posts, optimal bonding in The Coupledom should lead to a much greater, broader entity…the combined interests and acumen of two entities provides a greater shot at Coupledom happiness. Humans, it seems, want to grow and learn. Wow! Now this is good news for the New Year.
Research shows that the more self-expansion people experience from their partner, the more committed and satisfied they are in the relationship. AHA! Tara Parker Pope’s column (see link) in the December 31st New York Times describes research findings indicating that humans have an intrinsic desire to be stimulated by the new, and relationships that are stretched by the interests of the other, lead to greater satisfaction in The Coupledom.
Feathers and The New York Times: Difference has always appealed to me. Yet, in that regard, I often find many other folk speak of “same” as a virtue. And so in The Coupledom both are useful. I prefer the word “similar” to same, less tightly wound. Similar values are good. Similar background, maybe yes, maybe no. Depends on how it is “used”. But difference plus curiosity can equal self-expansion. How affirming to find the research that backs up this view.
New York raised (actually Long Island) my choice of life partner was an Eagle Scout from Maine whose primary passion in our first years together was feathers, specifically feathered fowl, fancy pigeons. Though our professional lives are “similar”, the divergence in our interests ranged from my addiction to the New York Times and Classic fiction and his to pigeon shows and bird farms, where I could be found trekking through pigeon dung up to my whatevers. Other couples stretch their interests culturally, globally and in the fine details as well. The driving force is the willingness to experiment with the interests and energies of your partner. It is not essential that you have equal passions for feathers and the New York Times. That never happened. But boy what I learned and continue to learn about the world through the eyes of my spouse could fill volumes. I leave him to speak for himself.
Humor and Empathy: A complaint raised frequently within these office walls is that husbands fall short in the sensitivity area and wives in humor. Though not always limited to gender, this observation has merit. In the self-expanding coupledom, couples are seen exchanging characteristics as well as interests. The humorless wife develops a more humor full perspective; the insensitive spouse suddenly finds himself listening and understanding feelings, even his own, with new clarity. The partner with the global view benefits from the other’s local/provincial appreciation of life in a small town. But only if he/she is willing to “go there”.
Boredom Is The Child of Rigidity: My New Year’s message is to stretch!. Stretch beyond your “comfort zone”, another of those constructs designed to rationalize fear of failure, or neutralize a kind of lazy view of life. In place of condemning one’s partner for their “weird interests” or silliness, shed the judgments and share the playtime. Stimulation can come in many forms, must be sorted out, and can be found right in our own homes. Try a little of his humor, a bit of her empathy, some of his home-made beer, some of her bath salts. Or ballroom dancing. Never want to leave the U.S. because you don’t speak a foreign language? Do it and watch how you expand your worlds. Can’t stand football? Try one game, wear a super warm coat and stop in at EMS to buy hand warmers. Moving through the circles of long lasting relationships, the ones that give off life and light imbue the characteristics and interests of both participants. They stoke the fires less of love, more a secondary benefit, than those of expanding mutual interest and growth.
Happy New Year to All The Coupledoms, of all genders, all backgrounds and all worlds!
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
