The Couples Tool Kit
Working together as a team of three — by Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., Specialist in Couples TherapyArchive for Uncategorized
Midlife and The Coupledom: The Perfect Storm, Part 1 of a 2 Part Series
A Collision of Hormones: Much has been written and talked about of the impact of perimenopause and menopause on the lives of women and their relationships. The Huffington Post published an article on February 10, 2010 by Staness Jonekos entitled “Will Your Marriage Survive Menopause? , a good question that deserves more than the typical “gender bashing” often seen online in comments or chats. Instead, what is needed is an informed and sincere exploration into the many variables and solutions to the midlife collision of biology and culture.
Biology: Andropause, the male companion piece to menopause, refers to waning testosterone and is associated with an increase in health problems such as heart disease, weak bones, subtle attitude and mood changes, fatigue, loss of energy and libido (sex drive). Similarly the reduction of estrogen in women can produce a plethora of uncomfortable symptoms, weight gain, hot flashes, sleep problems, mood and cognitive disturbances and vaginal dryness amongst other unpleasantness. Both menopause and andropause can deliver a wallop to the self-esteem, self-image and life time dreams.
The Outing of Menopause: A New Coupledom Weapon of War? After the publication of research linking hormone replacement therapy to some types of breast cancer, millions of American women were advise to abandon their HRT treatments, while others were dissuaded from beginning them. Since then, women entering mid-life have once again been at the mercy of very distressing symptoms. Consequently, menopause has become a rallying cry for many American women to join with their sister sufferers in shedding the shame regarding the “changes” and take this topic out of the closet and into the mainstream media, the coffee klatches, soccer games and supermarket aisles. That is the good news. The not so good news is that this very freedom can be accompanied by the notion that men should understand their partners’ multi faceted experience with empathy on demand. An unfortunate side effect of the menopause “outing” is that it can morph into another Coupledom Weapon of War by both sexes. A tool of campaign against the other.
Andropause, Does it Exist? There is excellent scientific evidence and even more anecdotal evidence that men experience a similar though less intense “change”. The desire for a sports car, more attention from wives, or the onset of worry over sexual prowess, the growing paunch, receding hairline and diminishing earning power is playing a part in the psyche of a man who seemed free from such concerns only months ago. Men are more likely to repress these fears or avoid putting language to them because they see this as weakness, unmanly and humiliating. Instead, they may act them out, becoming angry, demanding, or creating impossible triangles by asking their wives to meet their needs before those of their children, aging parents, work or volunteer jobs. To combat the “aging” process, looking outside the home for a mirror to reflect “youth” can deliver the final blow to what was once a viable marital relationship.
The Perfect Storm: Midlife which spans the ages 40-60 plus (ever-increasing with longevity and a vital boomer generation determined to stay fit) challenges both sexes to deal with real losses that deeply effect self esteem, self image, sexual stamina and dreams of glory. The irony here is that men may not want to admit that anything is “waning” while women may need to have their struggles acknowledged. Here is a collision of sorts, with one half of the Coupledom saying, look at what’s happening here and the other messaging, don’t look, it’s dangerous. What is happening to you may also be happening to me.
A Case in Point: Infidelity, The Empty Nest and Retirement Dreams: Many years ago, prior to the complete “outing” of menopause, I met with a couple who were grappling with the husband’s infidelity. Peeling back the layers of history, with an exploration of emotional and physical variables, what emerged was a powerful convergence of midlife pressures culminating in an infidelity on the part of a pretty decent spouse. There was no one bad guy or gal. Just a train wreck of sorts.
Whose Dreams Are We Living Anyway: This couple had married years earlier, a second marriage for both and were able to blend their children together to make a vibrant family. They were very proud of this shared achievement. At the crossroads of mid-life though, the wife had begun to experience pain during intercourse from vaginal dryness. Unaware that this was a common occurrence during menopause, she began to avoid sexual closeness. The husband perceived this as a rejection and was hurt and angry.
An Emerging Storm: A further complication was the husband’s view that the past sacrifices of time and money poured into raising their blended family were sufficient to allow him finally, to focus on a future retirement south. That was his dream. However, his wife believed that she had not finished her job as mother and now grandmother in launching their family. Weekends were spent working on the children’s new homes, putting up cabinets, loading laundry. Essential to this effort, the husband saw both his time and his money (which was especially biting), consumed by his wife’s goal to secure a future for their children, which she believed was still dependent on both of them playing an active role. That was her vision. Powerless to convince her otherwise, her husband became resentful and hurt. His wife felt the impossible pressure of having to choose between her husband or her children. He saw his dream of retirement washing down the kitchen sinks of his children’s new homes. The only thing missing here was the challenge of caring for older parents. Throw that into the mix, stir with hurt, season with anger, and stand back. The Coupledom, that special domicile where the relationship resides, suffers an 8.5 earthquake and comes tumbling down. Rubble everywhere.
PART 2: A Toolkit of Strategies to Make the Midlife Coupledom Work: Plus Prevention is Key For Younger Couples.
Part 2 will be posted tomorrow.
©jill edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.
Depression and The Coupledom: The Secret Menace
The Unacknowledged Intruder: Depression and The Coupledom: The New York Times Sunday Magazine featured a fascinating article on the research of Andy Thomson, a psychiatrist at the University of Virginia. The piece entitled “Depression’s Upside” by Jonah Lehrer discusses research into the adaptive components of depression. Fascinating as the research is, it deals mainly with situational depression, reactive to stressors such as loss or trauma, not “chronic depression” which can be life long and perhaps of a different derivation. Whatever the opinion of experts regarding the neurology or adaptive mechanisms of depression, often couples don’t realize that depression is playing a significant role in their relationship.
Unmasking Depression in Your Partnership: Depression can create an atmosphere that is as intangible and familiar as a low-grade fever, or a light fog seeping off the ocean at dusk. Not quite there, yet everywhere. Families adapt to a “depressive member” without ever identifying them or their influence as such. Yet, when these same families, or couples, come into therapy with the “relationship as the problem” or an acting out adolescent or a string of failures and disappointments, scratching the surface can reveal a chronic depressive family member, not infrequently the father/husband.
The Culprit Here Is Not The Depressive Sufferer but the misleading components of male depression, so unlike the traditional notions of depression, often characterized by females who are culturally permitted to be aware and articulate about their unhappiness. Male depression can appear as a grouchy, hostile-edged and critical presence, perhaps ruminating on slights or personal failures. This can be the husband or wife who sees the cup half empty, the kids as annoying or disappointing and their job as unsatisfying. They may exude a kind of flatness and chip on their shoulder that can be contagious. Children act out while the white elephant of depression slumbers peacefully, immutable and mute plopped on the family room rug. Someone wants to scream but doesn’t know exactly why.
Putting the Pieces of a Puzzle Together: The depressive partner may think that dissatisfaction stems from failures of others and is able to provide convincing arguments to substantiate this belief. Their partners, children, boss, other drivers, IRS are at the root of the problem. Spouses or other loved ones are persuaded over time that this is the case, and strive to be “better”, or make others better; but better never betters the relationship. It is never better enough. The depression sufferer remains displeased, dispirited, often hostile and quite capable of describing in detail who and what is at fault. The cloud never lifts for long. Because the depressed individual has spent years trying to explain their unhappiness to themselves, they are pretty good at it. It is up to their partners to begin to put the pieces of the puzzle together to see that the unhappiness resides inside their partner, not outside.
Tools to Unveiling Depression: Reality Testing Outside the Box. Go outside the “closed system” of the Coupledom or the family, to friends and relatives and inquire as to their impressions of your partner. Though this may seem disloyal or embarrassing, it is quite the opposite. It is pro active and courageous. This is quite different from complaining or venting. It is an intelligent fact-finding mission designed to inform not to condemn. Explore with others their perceptions, brainstorm and look for patterns. They may know your spouse’ history and can share observations formed over time. Removing the blinders of familiarity and replacing them with a fresh perspective is the first step towards unveiling the secret menace of depression in the Coupledom. Books, online information, google, Wikipedia, online mental health sites, are wonderfully useful sources when trying to make sense out of the behaviors, attitudes and moods of loved ones. That Aha moment of recognition will lift the fog and bring the relief of knowing.
How to Approach the Depressive Partner: Soon it will become clear that depression is playing a leading role in the Coupledom and the family. Approaching your partner becomes the challenge. They may feel blamed, accused or misunderstood and strike out at the “messenger”. There is no simple answer as to the best approach. Each one has to figure this out, perhaps with the help of an expert and/or other family members. Telling your partner that they seem unhappy and have seemed so for a while, is the beginning of that conversation. Starting to see that you are not the cause or should provide the cure, is a huge step away from “enabling depression”. Showing a sincere interest in their feelings may assist the depression sufferer to embark on their own journey of self examination.
Depressive Individuals Can Be Intimidating: After years together, a partner who has been criticized, invalidated and belittled for their concern or efforts to appease or improve their partners spirits, may be cowed and scared off easily. That is when it is time to get help. With expert help, choices will be clearer, steps easier and courage to effect needed change in the relationship and the family life, will be found. Though the depressed partner may refuse help, it is the spouse who now needs to break the spell. Depression embraces all in its reach with the same heavy cloak of misery.
The Unacceptable Life: Sharing a life with hidden depression is unacceptable and unhealthy for all involved. Breaking down the barriers to acknowledge the white elephant in the room, is the first step. No one can force someone to seek help, but everyone can seek help for themselves. In the end, we only control ourselves, but giving ourselves choices is powerful and empowering. Taking off the familiar blinders, and taping into personal courage is an awesome process never regretted.
©jill edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W
Valentine’s Day and The Coupledom: Is This a Test?
According to Wikipedia, Valentine’s Day “ is an annual holiday held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions.[1][4] The holiday is named after one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentine and was established by Pope Gelasius
Wait a Moment: Is This a Test? This is the unspoken question spinning inside the cerebrum of many American males once February blows in. What is my track record to date? Can we just do pass or fail without grades. Can the grades be on a curve? How about an average grade over the last decade? Will I be martyred or finally reach sainthood? Some men are so “traumatized” by past VD failures that they have a shopping phobia.
The Woman’s Version of the Test: Am I sexy enough, desirable enough, interesting enough, to pass the Valentine’s Day gift test? Weight, youth, intelligence will all be measured by the size, cost, or content of the gift I am about to receive. If I were different, would this gift be what I secretly was hoping he would give me? Should I even be with this guy?
Anxiety Over Chocolates and Roses: Valentine’s Day raises a lot of fears in the hearts and minds of couples. The typical couple, a man and a woman, have culturally assigned roles to play in this ritual celebration. The man is the courtier, the suitor. The woman, the sought after, to be wooed. He needs to come up with something wonderful to woo with, and she has to be wonderfully deserving of wooing. A lot of pressure.
One Day Can Sink the Coupledom Vessel: Everyone knows that birthdays, anniversaries and Valentine’s Day are fraught with tension for many couples. Whatever the underlying strains may be, they tend to reach a “climax” of sorts (pun optional), during these events. The anticipated or dreaded day allows all the unspoken hurts, insults, and insecurities to come crashing down over whether the partner read the other’s mind in time to do just the right thing. Way too much weight placed on 12 hours in a year.
Why The High Stakes? Frequently a partner may see this holiday as an opportunity to be reassured of their partner’s love. Even trickier is the need for reassurance of one’s self worth, self esteem and self image struggles. ” If they really cared” is a refrain I have heard over and over. “If he/she really took the time to know me, they would have bought me this instead of that.” This is explosive material, handle carefully.
Here is Another Option: What if Valentine’s Day were a day to learn instead of test? To ask your partner how he/she would feel loved rather than measure how much they love you? Frankly, we really don’t know what love looks like or feels like to our partners and often to ourselves. We know what society has manufactured on this day to measure love and desire. But we fail to question ourselves or our “lovers” as to what truly feels loving.
A Worthwhile Valentine’s Day Test: What if tomorrow you and your partner decided to take and give a different sort of test? The test of listening and the test of hearing and the gift of being heard. As awkward as this suggestion may sound, take turns describing what feels loving to you and then listen to what feels loving to your partner. DO NOT BE WORRIED BY DIFFERENCE! Each person’s response is influenced by their background and their wiring. DO NOT TRIVIALIZE YOUR PARTNER’S ANSWERS. There will probably be quite a lot of difference and that is why you are having this conversation. To Learn How To Love And Feel Loved by Your Partner. Not To Change Them.
Good luck and Happy Valentine’s Day to The Coupledom, that domicile in which your love for each other resides.
Postscript: I would be interested in hearing from same sex couples if their experience is similar or if the Hallmark Card cultural pressures are less, different or not at all.
©jill edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W
Adopted Adults Becoming Parents: Some Considerations
Unique Considerations: One of the more monumental life events is approaching parenthood. Prospective parents who are adopted have unique considerations. Many have never knowingly encountered anyone in their lifetime with whom they share genetic origins. The notion of another living being resembling them or sharing inheritable traits with them is powerful. This is a time when partners need to be particularly sensitive to each other and the different challenges that approaching parenthood might hold.
The Search for the Biological Parents: Tracing biological parents is so common now it has even joined the reality TV world. Hardly a lighthearted topic, this is a very personal subject at the heart of one’s identity, self-worth and often concern for others. Throughout the adopted individual’s life, milestones and challenges can trigger the question, “ should I try to search for my parents” and “what might that search introduce into my life?”
Protecting Others: Protective of their bond with their adoptive parents and perhaps a misguided notion that to search for their biological parents might be hurtful to them, adopted adolescents and adults may feel deeply conflicted about their interest in doing a search. Equally common is the fear that what the adult child may find could be rejection or disappointment or uncomfortable comparisons with their adoptive parents. Siblings or half siblings may spring up and introduce a flood of other feelings. The Pandora’s Box aspect is daunting.
Identity Adjustments: But at the root of many of these concerns is the question “Who am I?” Establishing one’s self-image or identity is the key developmental challenge of childhood and adolescence. Imagine the prospect of finding out at age 20, 30, 40 or 50 that you are the offspring of people so different from yourself. Adolescents, at the final leg of solidifying some of the fundamentals of self-image, may feel drawn to researching their biological parents to fill in the missing puzzle pieces. At the heart of this curiosity is the urge to put some closure on this challenging developmental task. In fact, identity adjustments occur through life and enrich the experience of living.
The Unknown Is Always Daunting: Though facts about their biological parents may have been known since childhood, the prospect of meeting the biological parent/s or other offspring, or being unsuccessful or too late in a search, can be discouraging possibilities. The adopted adult may feel their life is stable and introducing these possibilities could disrupt and destabilize a system that they established years ago to deal with their adoptive identity. Coping strategies start young and can be fairly well entrenched. Denying any real interest in the biological parents is one approach. Refusing to talk about the topic or concentrating on the fear that doing so will be a betrayal to the adoptive or even biological parents, are strategies that may have served them well enough when single, but fall short when in a relationship where having a child becomes the priority.
Genetics: Concerns about the medical and genetic history of the biological parents may weigh on the spouse of the adopted partner. In an age of genetic counseling and findings of genetic predispositions for a range of medical and emotional challenges, parents feel pressure to know as much as possible about their histories. Having dealt all their lives with the knowledge of the pros and cons of their parents, the spouse may consider a search to be the common sense approach to the process of preparing for parenthood.
The Challenge to The Coupledom: If both spouses are in agreement that a search for the biological parents or information regarding them is useful prudent and possible, then the sensitivity required here is to the emotional significance for the adopted spouse as the search unfolds. However, if the adopted spouse does not wish to do a search and his or her partner is uncomfortable with that decision, then a very sensitive and respectful process needs to unfold. Tapping a place of vulnerability that is unique and specific to the adoption experience requires respect and support. Similarly it behooves the adopted partner to move outside of his or her perspective and imagine what their spouse is feeling. Stretching the bounds of empathy towards your partner even when you are emotionally threatened by the very issues they are raising, portends well for the future happiness of the shared life that is about to include a new member.
It Always Takes Courage: When the emotional stakes are on high alert, that is when the notion of courage in the Coupledom comes into play. Having those tough vulnerable conversations or seeking out a third party to help, requires a kind of emotional muscle and commitment to go where you don’t want to go. This journey actually works because all are stronger for it: the bond of the couple; the individual’s sense of self; and the family life they share together. But it always takes courage!
Respect for Your Partner’s Decision: Ultimately this is the decision of the adopted adult. The tools that will strengthen the decision making process, and the relationship, are those of shared exploration, taking the time to allow feelings to unfold and mutual respect. Time is critical here. No one conversation or one visit with a psychotherapist or genetics counselor will suffice. The tools of time, patience and empathy for each one’s perspective are required. And Courage!
©jill edelman,M.S.W. L.C.S.W.
The Divorcing Coupledom: The Art of Uncoupling
In The Beginning There Was A Bond: When the Coupledom, the domicile of the couples’ relationship, splinters, what can be preserved and what must be discarded? These are daunting questions that deserve deep search and time. Here are a few guidelines for both spouses to use as they engage in the art of uncoupling.
Respecting The Process: Thirty five years as a psychotherapist have shown me that couples fight hard to stay together. To the best of their ability. Few treat divorce lightly. The reasons for a “failed marriage’ are complex, personal and unique. No two couples are the same. Similarities lie in the hard choices and the deep divisions leading to the demise of a marriage. Divorcing carries a taint, a sense of personal failure and a great need to blame another. But there is something important that each spouse should remember: There is an integrity to the effort that went into staying together, even if it ultimately failed.
Integrity to The Effort: Though each partner may be encumbered by “psychological baggage”, defenses that impair attempts at intimacy, or even fidelity, unrealistic expectations, unarticulated needs, triangles with in-laws, and careers, or challenges of raising children, most people work in their own way to keep the marriage going for a significant time. Couples who stagger into therapy after decades of trying to reach across the emotional chasm that has grown between them, carry layers of scar tissue from hurts. Despite all that, they are still trying, for the children and for the notion of family, to heal the marriage. It is rare in my experience that giving up “the family unit” comes easily to anyone. Each partner, in an attempt to handle their hurt and rage, may point to the other as not caring about the “family”, the marital bond or even the children, but my experience tells me differently. In the often bitter and excruciating throes of divorcing, the defense against the pain through unrelenting blame is a very costly one.
Bashing the Coupledom: Couples sign the marriage contract often with unspoken and unconscious motivations: the yin and the yang of opposites attracting; getting out of an unhappy home; lust, fun and chemistry; cultural, societal and economic pressures; a real friendship; similar traumatic histories. There are endless and numerous incentives to tie the knot. And many seem to come back to “bite you”.
The Allure of Difference: The common attraction to someone different from oneself often can reverse itself into hating those very differences. The extrovert and the introvert, the pairing of the scatterbrain but easy going partner with the obsessive detailed oriented “control freak”; the one who allows space becomes the one who is cold and indifferent. The one who is passionate and touchy feely seems too needy or too embracing of others. The ambitious partner becomes the one who abandons you for “career”. The domestic earthy partner is “no fun”, wants to stay home and cook. The shared traumatic histories that led to immediate empathy, and identification, ultimately became hobbling. The irony is that couples over time can grow further apart for the very reasons they initially chose to be together. Coupledom Bashing ignores these variables, demeans both partners and frankly their children as well. Though it might seem healing and necessary for “separation”, coupledom bashing carries a heavy toll and amputates a part of the self that chose this person years ago. There are good reasons why two people find themselves together, as good as the reasons that ultimately may led them to choose to live their lives apart. Both sets of reasons deserve life, expression and respect.
Mourning the Bond: “What We Had” or “What We Thought We Had” is worthy of mourning. Whether it makes sense in the context of one’s history, or a shared illusion, the bond served a purpose. Mourning the demise of the bond rather than cutting it off as one would a gangrenous limb, eases the bitterness, the bilious need to blame or excoriate the other in one’s memory or to friends. Most importantly it prevents the passing down of an ugly legacy to the children, the legacy that the only way to end a relationship is to “hate and denigrate the bond”, and often the partner as well. Understanding and modeling for children that the termination of a partnership though painful and unwanted, is actually a normal though undesired human experience, reduces the shame and the taint. Look at the statistics, divorce is common now and with variations, throughout history. Death is in nature and in relationships. Mortality is not just in the flesh but in feelings as well.
Forgiving The Failure of The Coupledom: Calibrating who tried harder is a normal though fruitless and bitter preoccupation for divorcing couples. Letting go of the illusion that one can measure effort in human relationships as one measures poundage of fruit on a supermarket scale is liberating. We Tried. Each in our own way. Forgive the failure, forgive oneself most of all, and forgive the other. Over time, wisdom will settle in next to the healing heart, and those two words, We Tried, can say it all.
©jill edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.
Musical Beds: Bedtime and The Coupledom
Hidden Yet Common: Many couples spend their nights in separate bedrooms. Most often this begins when raising young children and in many cases, ends when that acute phase is over.
Musical beds: This refers to the night time movement from bed to bed of parent or child, that begins, not with music, but with a sound like no other, the cry of the infant or young toddler. As in the game, once the music starts, everyone moves. When it stops, you grab your spot or in this case, a few moments sleep on the nearest surface. Rather than it being the Goldilocks syndrome of finding the best fit, at that moment of exhaustion, any bed fits.
Survival Mode: There are many factors at play when couples find themselves bedding down in different rooms, or spending much of the night with a child between them. Most common is “survival”. Exhausted and having tried several methods to put the child to sleep or keep them asleep, parents just fall prey to the “family bed” even when they don’t believe in it. Concerns about other children being awakened by cries, or worries that buses will be missed or preschool behaviors will be reported as “bad”, can cause any parent to reread the favorite book and just collapse in a pile of fatigue next to the thankfully dozing youngster, often remaining there until morning.
Complicating Factors: When the acute phase of bedtime challenges ebbs, other factors can contribute to a couple spending their sleeping hours apart. Arrival home from work can be midnight and someone doesn’t want to wake their spouse or partner. She or he may need wind down time, perhaps falling asleep on the living room couch in front of the T.V. Snoring or insomnia can disrupt a partner, and someone nudges the other out the door to the guest room or living room couch. Clashing sexual appetites can create avoidance or strain that makes falling asleep in the same bed at the same time a challenge. Parents of children with special needs can face bedtime challenges many years beyond the average. And adolescent age children introduce a whole new set of bedtime hurdles for parents: the worries of missed curfews, new drivers, and questionable peer groups.
Speak the Unspoken: What started as a temporary measure can become a way of life. Couples become hurt and angry, feeling rejected by their partner or convinced that their partner is not working hard enough to overcome the problems that lead to nights apart. Sharing a bed night after night is not easy. Americans tend to be horrified in hearing that other cultures historically or even currently may consider separate bedrooms routine. But practically speaking, this occurs frequently and needs to be talked about and brainstormed togther.
A Shared Life Is Not Easy: Discussing together the practical and emotional aspects of what causes the nightly separation can help to neutralize some of the tension, and start the movement towards a “good enough” solution. A shared life is not easy. At best it requires a lot of accommodation and some keen problem solving and restraint. Story book concepts of the “happy” relationship, or “happy” marriage, with the marital bed sacrosanct and steady, are just that, stories.
Wrestling With The Real: That is the “how to” of life. With a dash of forgiveness, and a bit of tolerance for bringing up the embarrassing, sprinkled with a willingness to be honest/vulnerable, even this conversation can take place. If you get stuck, then the next option is to bring in a professional who can brainstorm with you to solve the pragmatics and work on the emotional sticking points.
A Relationship is a Process Over Time: A relationship can last decades and what is difficult at one stage can become far easier at another. The message here is not to panic: concluding that the relationship is fatally flawed if the “bedroom ritual” is interrupted or different, prevents the conversation, and can block taking a look at options, hearing feelings and thinking out of the box about what might work best for your Coupledom.
What To Say: Words are needed but often seem awkward and embarrassing. “Let’s take some time to talk about the pattern we have gotten into at night”. “I think that we can brainstorm something together, rather than just avoid talking about it, or getting mad and hurt”. “Let’s try”. Start with a conversation, if it falters, try again. Sometimes articulating the difficult can result in an initial awkwardness. But don’t let that frighten you. A few days later, begin again. It is worth it.
©jill edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.
Tiger’s Tale: Tiger Woods, Elin; Denial and the Coupledom
The Role of Denial in the Coupledom: How many more times before the year is out, will another powerful man be exposed as a philanderer? Will we see more women standing at podiums reminding us of the old ballad, “Stand By Your Man”? For the Coupledom, what can be learned here? In one word, the adverse consequences of the defense known as Denial.
Denial Demands Equal Partnership: Both parties participate in the dance of denial. Someone senses a change, and the other denies it. A pattern of behavior is apparent, but no one acknowledges that pattern. Where does it go from there? It may be true that men of power, ego and money have more chances to wander, and their women more ways to distract themselves from the wanderings: money, fame, incentives to blindness. But both parties are choreographing the same dance, let’s pretend. Relationships/Marriages invite denial because of the very serious ramifications that truth can bring. But here is the antidote: start with the truth and go from there. If one of you in the relationship notices a difference in behavior, a distractedness, a chasm widening, start asking questions. If you do not get answers that satisfy, go get help. Reaching out to professionals signifies to your partner that this is serious.
Courtship and Denial: I have often heard the comment, “I knew from the start that I shouldn’t get involved”. Or “I knew I shouldn’t marry him or her”. What does that tell us? That denial and/or avoidance were active defenses which prevented individuals from letting “truth” determine outcome.Dismissing one’s gut feelings, instincts or actual knowledge often play a large role. Instead, magical thinking and groundless hopefulness claim the day. Whenever I hear that someone has ended an engagement, or canceled a wedding, I am impressed by their courage and willingness to forsake conventionality for prevention and truth.
Denial, Avoidance, Magical Thinking and Compartmentalization: The four horsemen of the apocalypse, not exactly but close. All genders utilize these defenses against unpleasant or uncomfortable truths. Women seem prone to magical thinking, men to compartmentalization. Both are drawn to denial and avoidance. All four defenses take turns when a couple veers away from confronting difficult truths. Wishing and hoping, dreaming and praying, whatever your motif, will not protect you or your partner from the traps set up by life’s complications.
Tiger’s Tale: What role did denial play in the relationship? Certainly for Tiger Woods, denial of the damage his behavior would bring to himself and his family was active. Distortion or entitlement can muddle reality. Compulsions and addictions can be underestimated. Spouses can delude themselves into thinking that “love” can change their partners. All sorts of mind games also known as psychological defenses can make the partner or spouse deceive themselves as they are being deceived.
Truth as a Trust Builder: What role does truth play in a relationship? With truth comes responsibility, often with an immediate price tag that is quite high: in a courtship, it may mean ending the relationship before you get too involved; once committed, it can mean confronting the partner with the feelings and or the facts, and seeking help together to determine the best possible direction. A far steeper price results when reality is avoided, and the outcome is humiliation and the dissolution of any possibility of rebuilding trust. Frequently it impacts innocent bystanders, children. Truth, on the other hand, when mutually tackled, is a trust builder. It takes strength and it builds strength.
Infidelity is Not the Only Deal Breaker: Other patterns are often denied, overlooked or underestimated: addictions of all kinds; values that are questionable. Whatever the uncomfortable truth, bringing it out and asking your partner to deal openly with you about the problem opens possibilities. Avoiding and denying the power of the patterns, or twisting your mind around to accept simplistic rationalizations or repeatedly unmet promises, make you an active partner in the dance of denial, a player in “let’s pretend”. It takes two to pull off this game. Don’t play and the game ends.
Truth Takes Courage: Denial is a common strategy, often unconscious, that people use to avoid the unpleasant. Denial operates to help avoid loss, separation, giving up something and someone who gives you a semblance of security, however illusory. Some consciously believe that it works for the elderly, the sick and young children. Some believe it never works. Know which camp you are in, amongst those who think denial or avoidance are viable strategies for survival or are you one who believes that tackling reality, with its uncomfortable truths, leaves you stronger and better equipped. If you are in the group who is inclined to look the other way, take note: for the Coupledom this can be a fatal choice.
www.vanityfair.com/culture/features/2010/02/tiger-woods-201002 –
©jill edelman, M.S.W.,L.C.S.W.
To Marriage Therapy or Not To Marriage Therapy
Elizabeth Weil’s clever cover story in Sunday’s New York Times Magazine, “Married With Issues” raises three critical questions for all couples: 1. What should couples expect from their marriage/relationship. 2. How can they tell if it is “good enough” as is or deserves attention. 3. What do they do about it?
The answer is of course an individual one but here are some guidelines for #2:
- You know that your marriage deserves attention when you find yourselves avoiding time alone together.
- You know that your marriage deserves attention when every attempt to make a decision together gets sidetracked by fights and attacks on each other’s character.
- You know that your marriage deserves attention when each of you repeatedly questions the other’s loyalty to the relationship
- You know that your marriage deserves attention when your children get lost in the gunfire.
- You know that your marriage deserves attention when your children tell you so.
- You know that your marriage deserves attention when one or both of you is in emotional pain about the marriage.
What is Attention: This is the question raised in the article. Ms. Weil and her husband surveyed the marriage therapy world, spent some time in it, and concluded that they were ok with their “good enough” marriage. Implicit in their exploration, and spelled out at one point by referencing one psychologist’s views on marriage therapy as potentially harmful, is the question of whether therapy is the way to go. Ms. Weil and her husband determined that they were comfortable enough in their relationship and that by adjusting expectations to a more realistic level, the future maturing of their commitment seemed assured.
Attention Was Paid: Critical to Ms. Weil’s approach, in my opinion, and notably with the complete participation of her husband Dan, is that “attention was paid” by both partners. Ms. Weil and Dan courageously ventured forth to explore the dark and daunting depths of their connection, trying on new ways to relate, understand and experiment. Their project had its own enticements, as writers, that provided further incentive. But the message is clear: There is no down side to recognizing that there is something to pay attention to in the marriage or relationship, and taking the time to address concerns is useful and critical.
Together: Ms. Weil and hubby Dan joined together in this inquiry . Couples willing to share in the journey of discovery reveal a strength in the relationship, no matter the issues at hand.
©jill edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.
