The Couples Tool Kit
Working together as a team of three — by Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., Specialist in Couples TherapyArchive for Divorce
Oldies but goodies: The Divorcing Coupledom: The Art of Uncoupling
Jill is taking a break from the blog this week. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so.
Excerpt:
In The Beginning There Was A Bond: When the Coupledom, the domicile of the couples’ relationship, splinters, what can be preserved and what must be discarded? These are daunting questions that deserve deep search and time. Here are a few guidelines for both spouses to use as they engage in the art of uncoupling…
You can read the full post here:
What Do Your Children Know About Your Coupledom?
Little Pitchers, Big Ears? Children are sponges. They are meant to be so. Absorbent. It facilitates learning the art of being human. Parents swell with pride when describing the latest juvenile achievement, seemingly spun from some invisible loom. Yet this sponge-like quality of growing children is recognized by proud parents when it suits us, and denied when it does not.
Denial In Family Matters: CNN had a special Saturday evening exploring the roots of infidelity in powerful men. Though host Don Lemon asked intelligent questions of his well-spoken experts, no one questioned what the adulterers were thinking vis-a-vis their children when they began to walk on the wild side. Some, such as Jesse James, appearing on Piers Morgan Tonight, may talk about concerns for their offspring post-scandal. Noticeably absent in the discussions is the notion of anticipated consequences, i.e. of the impact of these choices on the children prior to the decision to go forward. Whether it is to consummate a sexual act with the housekeeper or keep her in your employ for ten years hence, amongst your wife and children, what is clear is that porous little people take in data from their surrounds, no matter if boxed for them or not. Magical thinking, self-absorption, sexual conquest all seem to obliterate parental cognition.
We Never Fight In Front Of The Children: Really? Many troubled couples seek solace in believing that their children are immune to the friction in their parents’ Coupledom. Tone, Look and Word, a post I wrote last year, discusses the powerful tools of unhappy communication so often utilized in the home, amongst the children as well as in the bedroom. When couples tell me they don’t fight in front of their kids, frankly I’m never sure what to think, how to assess whether this is a gain or a loss for the children? Is there a more ambiguous word in the English language than fighting. With fists? With curses? With tone? Is it a fight to disagree? Not to me. Is it a fight to draw different conclusions from the same data, no. Perhaps a good argument where parents identify differences but don’t attack personalities while doing so is a great learning moment for their children. Silence and avoidance do not offer tools to deal with problems. They paralyze instead.
The Seduction Of Appearance: Talking about seduction, I have observed folks living a lie for the purposes of “appearance”; the drive is to seduce others into believing what “sells”: as a family, as a couple, as members of a religion, a political party, a profession so that we can live a myth, as if dressed in the emperor’s new clothes. For couples in the public eye, this is a huge motivation. If Maria were not a Shriver/Kennedy, would she have confronted the housekeeper after seeing mini-Arnold appear in her living room? Would Anne Sinclair, the powerful wife of Dominique Strauss-Kahn, have minimized the many claims of sexual inappropriateness and abuse, if she were not intoxicated herself with the notion of his possible rise to the presidency of France? Am I being unfair or unkind here, judgmental or realistic? We all are subject to seduction and self-delusion.
Teaching Denial: If you use denial in your Coupledom, chances are you are teaching denial to your children. Age-appropriate honesty, straight talk and not fudging on the details should be Coupledom rules and parenting tools. Did Maria Shriver learn denial and avoidance in her family of origin? Did Anne Sinclair? Or did ambition and notions of maternal protection get tangled up with B.S. and emotional blinders.
What Do Our Children Know About Our Coupledoms? Tons! Know or feel. And feeling over the years becomes knowledge. Or worse, creates mistaken notions or becomes a coping mechanism that perpetuates denial in their future child rearing and coupledom. This is a legacy passed down. I see it with couples all the time. They learned from their parents to step around that big white elephant of unhappiness in the family room, whether it be depression, infidelity, alcoholism, parents’ unresolved rage at each other, abuse, sociopathy, or unacknowledged mental illness.
Blind Comfort: I have spent hours with parents going through divorces or just wicked phases in their marriages, whether related to infidelity or the range of hurts that couples sustain, financial setbacks, in-law ugliness, too much time away from each other, and hear them insist that the children are either too young or too busy or too self-absorbed, to pick up on anything. Blind comfort. More important than keeping children out of rough stuff is helping them build TRUST!
Trust is Learned: Much is instinctual in child development but trust is learned. Its forerunner is in the instinct to bond, to root to the breast, to cling to the soft chest. But if trust is not nourished, or if it is undermined, it doesn’t grow and solidify in the psyche. And children need to trust that their parents are dealing straight with them. When parents perpetuate a myth at the expense of honesty with their children, than trust is bruised and perhaps broken; it is like a limb that suffered a fracture, and though seemingly healed, remains fragile, and is easily fractured throughout life.
No Illusions Here: I think it behooves parents, and is in the best interests of their children, to assume that children do know, can feel, are absorbing the difficulties that surround the family. Even without the verbal development to articulate the meanings of the emotions flying around them, they are stored in their emotional membranes. What does that mean? Simply this: don’t fool yourself that the little pitchers have small ears. When you are about to walk on the wild side, or deny that betrayal or abuse is happening in your Coupledom, or anger dominates the conversation, however subtle you may think it is, your kids are sponging up the moments. Be straight first with yourselves…then you will be able to know how to deal with those precious people, the children.
Find An Expert: Stepping Into Truth isn’t easy. If you need help, hire a guide.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W, L.C.S.W. 2011
Maria And Arnold: A Rorschach Test
Separation Tremors: The announcement that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years married and four children may be sending out tremors beyond the confines of the couples’ California home. What can have gone awry? Mid-life crisis; infidelity; anorexia; male or female menopause; the end of a political marriage matching the termination of a gubernatorial career?
But what is certain is that many couples may be projecting some of their concerns, fantasies and worries onto the Shriver Schwarzenegger Coupledom. Could this happen to us?
Projection! That is the process in which we impose our own thematic notions and concerns onto someone else or something else. As in a Rorschach test, used in psychological testing, where ink blots splattered on a page are interpreted by individuals in ways that reflect the workings of their psyches, how an individual interprets events in the world around them, mirrors what is of significant concern in his or her personal world.
Opportunity Knocks: A married man in his forties interprets the Shriver Schwarzenegger separation from Maria’s perspective: she is done with him; his flirtations; his groping; his ego. A woman who has been happily married for 25 years with the same man, but was raised in a world of infidelity and misogyny, has a different focus; she thinks Arnold is dumping his wife for a younger woman; an older woman ponders the possibility that the loss of Shriver’s parents in recent years liberates her to leave a self-centered and selfish man so that she can affirm her right to happiness.
Famous Break Ups and What They Can Do For Your Coupledom: Whether it is Tiger or Sandra, Tipper and Al, Susan Sarandon and Tim Robbins, famous breakups cause speculation and fear in the hearts of many. For the self-reflective pair, questioning what when wrong in the relationship of a well-known couple can reveal concerns in their own partnership. Sharing with your partner some of these “projections” openly and inquiring into his or her notions, could lead to a more in depth conversation about what is good, what is feared and what could be worked on. Family of origin issues influence what expectations and projections may be at work in the hearts and minds of members of a Coupledom. If one of the partnership comes from a family of adultery, then how does that history operate in their Coupledom? If one interpreted their parent’s marriage as “staying together for the children’s sake”, then the fear that they may find themselves doing the same, is worthy of airing and sharing.
Risk and Loss in Love: We know that partnering is risky business. Someone we love can leave us, humiliate us, or become boring to us. With separations and divorces all around us, and the fact that no one really knows all the variables at work in another couples’ break-up, observing one’s “projections” or notions of what brought down another’s coupledom can reflect the fears of what could bring down our own coupledom. These same fears or fantasies provide a rich opportunity to increase self-awareness and share concerns with our partners: a serviceable form of prevention.
Leave No Stone Unturned: Mine the misery of others to avoid your own. Why not? Projections provide a canvas of concern worthy of our attention. Use it!
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Owning Your Stuff Builds Coupledom Trust
Trust Busters: There are ample ways to mar and maim belief in someone’s regard for you. Trust marring can be as fleeting as overhearing a derisive comment about you, or as weighty as discovering romantic texts and hotel charges. Like the derma that covers our organs, we have muslin-like layers of protection covering our emotions; the tough outer layers wear away a few threads at a time through daily rubbing against minor disappointments. The deeper layers sear apart and tear when something sharp has been plunged into them. The question here is how to restore trust, the chafing kind and its searing and tearing cousin? Is it possible? Depends.
Owning and Empathy: O and E, the cornerstones of trust restoration. In the role of couples therapist I am privy to descriptions of hurt, disappointment and betrayal that flounder and go splat on the office floor, like a big oil slick, pooling in a puddle of nowhere. The partner who is describing these feelings is met by the partner who is hurling headlong into a giant defensive block. I think of the image of the knights weighed down by armor, with their long lancets propelling them forward; who can knock whom off the horse first. Without the prominence or power of the reigning monarch enthroned above the jousting arena, the couples therapist has the daunting task of proclaiming the battle stalemated and offering an alternative method to decide the winner. In therapeutic couple land, that would be The Coupledom, that third entity, the domicile in which the relationship resides, a wreath of eucalyptus placed on its entrance door.
The O Word: Human behavior reveals a consistent pattern of self protection that involves warding off any hint that we have hurt or betrayed a member of our species. Whether it be governmental leaders or spouses, hairdressers or taxi cab drivers, we all seem to sport a holster ladened with pistols that we draw and aim at anyone who suggests that we had a role in some unhappiness or encumbered them in some way. In couples relationships, where intimacy taps the deepest layers of personal protectiveness, being told that you caused pain to your partner unleashes intense maneuvers of self defense. This hampers what is needed most, owning your stuff.
In the Case of an Affair, outed and on the table, the “cheating party” is usually overcome with guilt (often subconscious and fought against) and its seeming counterpoint, justification, that simply taking responsibility for hurting the other is punctuated with so much “but” and “you” that more anger and hurt is triggered rather than its reverse, healing and forgiveness. True, this is a sticky matter. Recovery from an affair is a complex, multi- faceted process involving increasing understanding of what went awry and small steps of trust building and forgiveness. But at the heart of the process, if the person who wandered afar does not “own” that this was a decision they made and an act that they committed, nothing much good can happen. Of equal significance, and in a timely fashion, the partner who is betrayed, if this is an act within a relationship of decent folk, needs to consider and own components of the resident dissatisfaction in the relationship. They do not need to own the “choice” to go outside the relationship. But it behooves them, over time, to own their role in the “disconnect.” Without this piece, recovery is impossible.
Owning The Small Stuff: Where the majority of ownership needs to occur is over the details of daily living. The disappointments, the non follow through, the undelivered promises to call, to pick up, the over drinking, the flirting at a party, the neglect of a request over and over again. Insensitivity and not listening. Self absorption and competitiveness. This is the minutiae that can polarize a coupledom. In sexual matters, acknowledging that you are not adept at something, or something feels painful, that you do need the sex to discharge the tension. that you felt fat so avoided. Or angry. Or were playing a power game after feeling rejected , “you don’t want me, so I don’t want you”. Admit imperfection. Admit hurt and desire to retaliate. Admit that perhaps a remark was insulting, demeaning, and at its heart lay some anger or revenge. Spite or guilting. “Yes, I was nasty.” It happens. Normal stuff. Yes, you are right. I did drive real fast to get back at you for constantly nagging me. I am sorry that I scared you. Owning it! And most important, listening while the other tells you how it felt. And then you can come up with a compromise, nag less please, I’ll drive slower. Drink less please, I’ll nag less.
Empathy: Owning Opens the Gateway to Empathy. When we claim ownership for our behaviors, and set aside explanations and justifications, the moment for imagining how the behavior effected our partner emerges. Empathy. The cornerstone for trust building. If you get how you hurt me, then maybe I can begin to trust you again, maybe, over time. This is an act that requires dispensing with your “reality” and entering the reality of the other. A leap worth taking.
Intent: Here is the confusion. Often the partner’s intent was not to hurt the other so the accusation of hurtfulness triggers defensiveness. Clarification that the behavior was not designed to hurt, if this is true, may be important to the “perpetrator” but once said, needs to be set aside for the more important business of owning and empathy. If the intent was to hurt, then grappling with why is necessary business for self exploration and when the time is right, to communicate to the other. The hope is that “mutual understanding” provides a building block of trust as well. But timing is key here. Since few of us are true sadists, there is always a reason, even if it may be a misunderstanding, hurting back when hurt, family of origin issues or displacements from other relationships (bosses, siblings and old lovers) for why we hurt someone, anyone, especially the one with whom we bonded. But sharing that perspective, though crucial, should not supersede the impact of the hurt on your partner. That piece comes first. As one perceptive hubby said to me in a session, after his wife responded to his hurt, with her own, “her feelings trump mine”, undermining for the moment the possibility of a healing exchange.
The Pace of Renewed Trust: It is all process here, that much overused but irreplaceable term for going through this………human exchange. Not easy so if you need help, turn to the experts. After all, though we do not have the power of the Monarchy to decide the winner, we are on the side of The Coupledom, which makes us all comrades in the arena of relationship.
If you would like to read more on this subject, please take a moment to check out these posts: The Limber Coupledom: Yielding Postures, Flexible Positions; Tone, Look, Word (TLW); Sex In The Coupledom: A Powerful Absence
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
The Divorcing Coupledom: The Art of Uncoupling
In The Beginning There Was A Bond: When the Coupledom, the domicile of the couples’ relationship, splinters, what can be preserved and what must be discarded? These are daunting questions that deserve deep search and time. Here are a few guidelines for both spouses to use as they engage in the art of uncoupling.
Respecting The Process: Thirty five years as a psychotherapist have shown me that couples fight hard to stay together. To the best of their ability. Few treat divorce lightly. The reasons for a “failed marriage’ are complex, personal and unique. No two couples are the same. Similarities lie in the hard choices and the deep divisions leading to the demise of a marriage. Divorcing carries a taint, a sense of personal failure and a great need to blame another. But there is something important that each spouse should remember: There is an integrity to the effort that went into staying together, even if it ultimately failed.
Integrity to The Effort: Though each partner may be encumbered by “psychological baggage”, defenses that impair attempts at intimacy, or even fidelity, unrealistic expectations, unarticulated needs, triangles with in-laws, and careers, or challenges of raising children, most people work in their own way to keep the marriage going for a significant time. Couples who stagger into therapy after decades of trying to reach across the emotional chasm that has grown between them, carry layers of scar tissue from hurts. Despite all that, they are still trying, for the children and for the notion of family, to heal the marriage. It is rare in my experience that giving up “the family unit” comes easily to anyone. Each partner, in an attempt to handle their hurt and rage, may point to the other as not caring about the “family”, the marital bond or even the children, but my experience tells me differently. In the often bitter and excruciating throes of divorcing, the defense against the pain through unrelenting blame is a very costly one.
Bashing the Coupledom: Couples sign the marriage contract often with unspoken and unconscious motivations: the yin and the yang of opposites attracting; getting out of an unhappy home; lust, fun and chemistry; cultural, societal and economic pressures; a real friendship; similar traumatic histories. There are endless and numerous incentives to tie the knot. And many seem to come back to “bite you”.
The Allure of Difference: The common attraction to someone different from oneself often can reverse itself into hating those very differences. The extrovert and the introvert, the pairing of the scatterbrain but easy going partner with the obsessive detailed oriented “control freak”; the one who allows space becomes the one who is cold and indifferent. The one who is passionate and touchy feely seems too needy or too embracing of others. The ambitious partner becomes the one who abandons you for “career”. The domestic earthy partner is “no fun”, wants to stay home and cook. The shared traumatic histories that led to immediate empathy, and identification, ultimately became hobbling. The irony is that couples over time can grow further apart for the very reasons they initially chose to be together. Coupledom Bashing ignores these variables, demeans both partners and frankly their children as well. Though it might seem healing and necessary for “separation”, coupledom bashing carries a heavy toll and amputates a part of the self that chose this person years ago. There are good reasons why two people find themselves together, as good as the reasons that ultimately may led them to choose to live their lives apart. Both sets of reasons deserve life, expression and respect.
Mourning the Bond: “What We Had” or “What We Thought We Had” is worthy of mourning. Whether it makes sense in the context of one’s history, or a shared illusion, the bond served a purpose. Mourning the demise of the bond rather than cutting it off as one would a gangrenous limb, eases the bitterness, the bilious need to blame or excoriate the other in one’s memory or to friends. Most importantly it prevents the passing down of an ugly legacy to the children, the legacy that the only way to end a relationship is to “hate and denigrate the bond”, and often the partner as well. Understanding and modeling for children that the termination of a partnership though painful and unwanted, is actually a normal though undesired human experience, reduces the shame and the taint. Look at the statistics, divorce is common now and with variations, throughout history. Death is in nature and in relationships. Mortality is not just in the flesh but in feelings as well.
Forgiving The Failure of The Coupledom: Calibrating who tried harder is a normal though fruitless and bitter preoccupation for divorcing couples. Letting go of the illusion that one can measure effort in human relationships as one measures poundage of fruit on a supermarket scale is liberating. We Tried. Each in our own way. Forgive the failure, forgive oneself most of all, and forgive the other. Over time, wisdom will settle in next to the healing heart, and those two words, We Tried, can say it all.
©jill edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.
The Affair: No Moralizing Here
Before; After; Not Yet; Never: Whatever your grouping of the moment, this read is for you. In today’s New York Times Modern Love Column, Wendy Plump pens an honest, metaphorically incisive depiction of an affair in The Coupledom. Having played both sides of it, Ms. Plump knows her stuff.
No Moralizing Here? Are you already squeamish and about to quit the site, not to worry. Ms. Plump is not a moralizer. Absent here is the he is a …., she is a ……! Leave, stay, hide the accounts, find the barracuda attorney, throw the clothes out the window, sue for custody. Nor is this a country western ballad, twanging pain and heartbreak, though both emotions make appearances. Nope, none of that. This is real, not reality t.v., the “real” real. In fact, the author eschews advice, no matter the provider. The only moral to Wendy’s version of this non fable, real life story, is: don’t kid yourselves, this affair stuff isn’t pretty, no matter the magic, the soul mate glitter, the longings satisfied, the beleaguered marriage waiting at home. Ms. Plump just gives you a heads up on the experience. It is all process here, not prescription.
Required Reading: Could this be one of the year’s ten best for required reading? Yes, for immature and mature adult audiences. It is short, available by hitting the link above, and useful to anyone old enough to read it. If your affair or your spouse’s or boy/girl friend, has already disrupted the relationship, also hit these links on my blog: The Divorce Survival Toolkit for Children of All Ages and The Divorcing Coupledom: The Art of Uncoupling. Check the contents page for more posts on betrayal and forgiveness.
Be Sure To Read Ms. Plump. Today!
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W.
The Divorce Survival ToolKit for Children of All Ages
Children of All Ages: For any age group, the ramifications of separation and divorce are felt most acutely at holiday time. Adult children of divorce as well as their younger counterparts struggle with the new regime, the confusing order of things and benefit from a language and vocabulary that empowers them. Locating their boundaries and clarifying often double-edged messages from parents are necessary coping strategies. Weddings, baptisms, bat and bar mitzvahs, graduations, Thanksgiving, Hanukkah, Christmas and other holidays often summon up painful emotions and worries for the divorced child. A toolkit of rules can reduce the stress and pain and provide a resource for a lifetime.
Damage Control Through Empowerment: Well-meaning, distraught parents are deeply worried about the “scars” that the demise of their marriage will have on their children. I have worked with many such a parent over the decades and find that many worry and watch, taking heart in “silence” or the absence of obvious difficulty as a sign that all is well. Others refer to therapists, or engage in long-winded explanations that confuse and manipulate their children’s minds and emotions. And these are “good parents”, responsible parents.Despite these efforts a crucial element is missing, the voice of the child.
Telling them “stuff” is cool. But hearing their “stuff” is cooler. How can that happen when children cannot compose the words that describe their feelings and wishes to the adults? Or adult children of divorce are afraid to string the words together, too many old taboos; best to avoid or compartmentalize parental worlds; tremble before each family celebration; hide information of the event from one parent. These strategies warp and maim family connective tissue. Conniving survival through family events has to damage the very life blood of the family and its individual members.
The Divorce Survival Toolkit: Thanks to a very bright and special young fellow, I have a better idea. This young man gets caught in the crossfire of divorce, so we brainstormed some “rules” to cope with the painful triangulation that typically accompanies the termination of a marriage. The actual name for the set of rules was aptly chosen by the middle schooler, taking a “page” out of his therapist’s handbook/blog. Here are his rules, with additions and modifications:
Rules for School Age Children and Adults:
1. No parent is allowed to share information with me that I cannot share with the other parent. (i.e. no triangulation, see my post Triangle Traps).
2. No parent should use me as a punching bag or use an angry tone of voice toward me, because of a situation with the other parent (see my post The Divorcing Coupledom: The Art of Uncoupling).
3. No parent will give me their version of an incident that could persuade me to take their side. (Not interested. Don’t want to know. It is all equally toxic and poisonous for me).
4. Financial/Material issues related to my needs and wants should not be discussed/fought over in my presence. Inclusive in this rule are loud phone calls while I am in the house: text messages or emails that are shown to me; confrontations in the front yard, driveway or any venue.
4a. Lost And Found: If something is lost between houses, left out of back packs or forgotten at school, do not blame me or each other. Problem solve with me to help prevent a recurrence.
5. No parent will ask me to deliver a message to the other parent. Parents cannot communicate through the children.
Rules for Pre School Age Children:
Parents often seek comfort in the knowledge that their pre schoolers can’t understand much of what is being said. Do not find comfort in this. Acrimonious communications between parents expressed through tone of voice, physical behaviors, and facial expression do not require “content” to convey animosity and do damage.
The following rules can apply to children and adults of any age.
1. No parent will raise their voice, shout or gesture angrily to the other, in my presence (whether this is in person, on the phone, or talking to someone else about my parent while I am present).
2. No parent will roll their eyes, glare or use facial expression to attack the other parent, in my presence.
3. No parent will use a tone of voice that is negative, sarcastic or deprecating to the other parent, in my presence.
Rules for Adult Children of Divorce as Parents:
1. I will not pass on the legacy of triangulation to my children.
2. I will ask both of my divorced parents to develop tools to be appropriately present at my children’s significant milestones, which are my milestones as well.
3. I will not engage in conversations in front of my children with either divorced parent, about the other, unless the conversation is acrimony free.
4. If my children ask me questions about their grandparents, I will answer honestly, and in an age appropriate manner. I will not veil, hide or disguise the reality to protect myself or my parents. Children need to trust that what they are told is true.
5. I am an adult and can choose with whom I share information, how I spend my time, and will not be made to account to either parent of my choices.
6. I will follow Rules 1-4 of school age children, and ask my parents to honor those rules.
Here Is The Plan: Invite your children to read these rules, modify them, personalize them. Adult children of divorce, fit the rules to your own needs, share them with your parents, and ask them to honor your divorce survival rules. If they think that you should be over this “stuff”, remind them that the “stuff” is spilling over into your adulthood and your children’s childhood. For the pre schoolers, parents should just follow the rules identified above. As they get older, help them to write their own set of rules. Honor the rules.
Breaking The Rules: Children/Adult Children: Tell the parents when they are breaking the rules of The Divorce Survival Toolkit. And parents, try harder next time. If you are sincere in your desire to prevent emotional damage to your offspring, here is your chance.
The Experts: We are the experts of ourselves. By offering our children the option to write their rules, we acknowledge their expertise. They are the authors of their life story. Often the words or the feelings are hard to find, either because the brain is still maturing, or decades of conflict and confusion have obscured the adult child’s access to feeling. But remember, children may not feel free to say what they need in front of their parents. It may take the presence of an expert, a non parental figure, to clear the way to help them find the words. Whatever is needed, respect the product. Honor the rules. Good luck.
©Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2010
Divorced: Now What To Do With The Ex-Laws?
Former Mother/Father in Law: Step Children and Step Grand Children: Ex Brothers and Sisters In Law, Ex Nieces and Nephews: Divorce is the highest stress factor in our culture. Breaking up The Coupledom, the family and the household, is excruciating. And then there is the mess it leaves behind in the hearts, minds and pocket books of all involved. One of the groups of people for whom no protocol exists, as they stand outside of legal documentation, is the relational world of The Coupledom; the relatives.
Emotional Detritus: All too often, a dissolved marriage leaves a wake of loss and confusion. An uncle who was dear to his nieces and nephews has vanished and young children are missing him. Older kids don’t know whether it is appropriate or “safe” to contact their aunt, a treasured confidant, now renamed their uncle’s “ex” wife; does that make her an “ex aunt”? A grandfather of step grand kids is finding it uncomfortable connecting with his former step son. Unable to solve this conundrum of familial fractures, he abandons contact with the youngsters who consider him grandpa, and have no notion of what “step” means anyway.
Cousins of Divorced Families are restricted to joint play dates when the parent from their “side” has them for the weekend …until they can drive. And even then, if the residue from the divorce is continuing to belch forth toxic fumes, driving over to pick up a cousin may be tricky, an irresistible opportunity to excrete further poisons, and even unleash clan warfare that leaves teens puzzled, guilt ridden or furious.
Folks Who Were Once Called Mom and Dad: These questions don’t get any more bizarre than when the folks who were once “mom and dad” become at best, “acquaintances” and worst, enemies. What do we call them, “my ex/former mother in law, father in law”. Then there is the ever complex “blended family divorce”, where step parents now have “ex kids”, former step kids? What is that? The Bizarro world? Yes.
Divorce Is Fertile Ground For Triangles: The inspiration for this article came from a client who was anguished about her relationship with a “step daughter” after the break up with her dad. Though a grown up “step” the young woman is triangulated by loyalties to her dad and “ex step mom”. When they meet for coffee, the air is choked by the invisible but omnipresent “he”; whose version of the break up to believe, whose reality to trust? Spontaneity is replaced by watchfulness; something will be said to cause further animosity, more pain and guilt. The ex-step mom is in limbo, finding some of the content of their conversation provocative and irritating, some hurtful and sad. Can this relationship survive? How to recalibrate its components to make going forward possible.
Behind My Back: The Cornerstone Of Triangles Is A Secret: Deepest of betrayals in the new frontier of ex laws is secretiveness and its twin “lying”. Lying can be both by omission and commission. The second biggest wallop to post divorce ex relationships is “Taking Sides”. These two components: behind my back, and taking sides, carve out the emotional insides of the participants and sow seeds for lifelong animosity and some pretty rotten teaching to children of any age.
What Are The Necessary Tools To Navigate The Terrain of Ex Laws? Dyads Not Triangles. Never should communications concerning two individuals be delivered by a third party. With young children this is difficult but what it means is that the ex law aunts and uncles meet one to one, and lay out a relational plan for the cousins that is in the “best interest” of the children. Never should the message be, you and I are done with that family because they sided with your dad during the divorce. That is a giant NO NO! TABOO! What you deliver with that message is “distrust and uncertainty; don’t risk loving because next will be loss” and powerlessness. Kids feel powerless enough. Subtracting important people from their lives because you are hurt or pissed is wrong. Uncles and Aunts remain forever Uncles and Aunts, whether their sibling remains your spouse or not.
GROWN UPS GROW UP! Let time play a part in the process. And even though there is a powerful temptation to feel the victim, and spice it up with anecdotes of rejection and humiliation, no one but you can craft the next years of relationship with ex in laws, brothers in law, sisters in law: folks who may have been ”like best friends” before the deluge.
Contact In Steps: Chafed skin is raw and red. Only when the new skin grows over it, does the flesh feel ready for contact. So too the heart. The first months after an acrimonious divorce may best respond to “indirect contact” with the ex laws, while the new skin is laying down its cover. Emails; letters; phone calls that don’t demand a response. Requests to meet over coffee at some point may follow. Or “perhaps we can bring the kids by sometime: they miss you.”
If You Are The Sibling Of A Bitter Divorce: Approach your sib as a dyad, one and one. “I am fond of Henry and miss him. I would like to see him sometime and bring the kids. I don’t want to hurt you but I think this can be done without taking sides. I will not get into any “stuff”. You are not asking permission. You are respectful by “not lying” or sneaking behind their backs: no omission here. And if the reaction is intense or attacking, give it time. Perhaps postpone the visit and let your sibling “think about this”. But ultimately this is a grown up thing…making judgements about what went wrong in someone else’s marriage, and taking sides, is a bad idea. It is like the telephone game: by the time you get the message, the original communication is lost with each iteration.
Courage: Facing ex laws can’t be easy. If they want to get into your “stuff”, just abstain with the caveat, “this is not useful”. Highlight the importance of ”respecting those boundaries so we can get on with our relationship going forward”. If they don’t get it, or perhaps want to pick on your ex for their own purposes, again boundaries. Otherwise, quicksand. Watch Out!
The Experts: As always, if you do step in some quicksand, before you sink down too far, seek out the experts. The third eye, third ear, someone who helps you to hear and see options that are hard to see alone.
© Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2010
