The Couples Tool Kit
Working together as a team of three — by Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., Specialist in Couples TherapyArchive for Jill Edelman
Closing In On A Year & Building Trust: 3-12-12
March 30, 2011: In a little more than two weeks it will be a year since the first post on Parenting Adult Special Needs: One Day At A Time. Last week our daughter’s entire team of staff members from ABD (Ability Beyond Disability) and her DDS (Connecticut Department of Developmental Services) case manager sat down at a conference table with our daughter and her parents to review the last seven months of residential, Day Service Options and vocational placement. (The meeting was originally planned for the prior week but a brief snowstorm caused a cancellation.) The meeting began with our daughter presenting her views on the last months, including likes and dislikes. She was unequivocally positive about her apartment-mate and staff, their many outings, which included going to the Museum of Natural History, the Bronx Zoo and an upcoming overnight trip to Mystic, Connecticut. Regarding her vocational life, she was less thrilled with the cleaning chores that accompany her volunteer work at ROAR and The Complete Cat Clinic. Following our daughter’s presentation, staff and parents engaged in a review of vocational options, residential strategies, and day services activities, exploring with our daughter her preferences for future programming. A thick packet of write-ups from each of the coordinators of the various groups was handed to my husband and to me. Later I read through the packet, which revealed that staff had a good understanding of our daughter’s workings.
Coming Up: Residential and vocational staff have come to know our daughter well. Based on their knowledge of her strengths, staff is looking at job settings that tap into her substantial social skills, as well as her love of animals. Since that meeting a possibility has been uncovered at an animal daycare that might afford her more hands on time with the animals and more social interaction with customers than is available at her current sites. She is also invited to assist in leading a tour of potential client families visiting the ABD headquarters next month. In addition, she and her apartment-mate will greet guests at the ABD Gala on April 28th, and will be staying for the evening. Our daughter is familiar with formal fundraising galas from her years at Riverview School, which hosts hundreds of people under a gorgeous tent on the campus. She is so savvy that she asked if the ABD Gala was having a silent auction. (They are.) Nothing passes this girl’s notice.
Book Club: What is also clear is what is hard for our daughter. Especially at Day Service Options, which is the social group she attends two days a week. During the winter members often bowled, played board games and cards, all activities that are very hard for our daughter. My husband and I offered ideas such as having a group that views films together, followed by an informal discussion, something our daughter is skilled at, critiquing theater and film, talking about characters and plot. When asked by her father what sort of programming she would like to do with her peers, she said “A book club.” What a wonderful idea. She reads well and particularly enjoys biographies. There is a series of fourth and fifth grade level readers that include the life stories of historical figures ranging from George Washington and Abraham Lincoln to Helen Keller and Rosa Parks. Our daughter has read many of them and can be a member in a lively discussion which could incorporate the very world around them. Living in a colonial area where a revolutionary encampment took place (Putnam Park), field trips could be taken by the DSO group based on their readings. Helen Keller lived for some time in the town of Easton, which is close by. And Mark Twain, aka Samuel Clemens, built a house and resided in our daughter’s hometown of Redding two years before his demise and founded the town library, The Mark Twain Library.
Future Education: Our daughter is clear that she would like to continue her formal education in some format and staff have agreed to look for or create learning possibilities. Their understanding of her drive to learn and their wish to help her accomplish this is a hopeful sign. Not only is our daughter maturing, but this agency as well is reaching out and expanding to meet the needs of its new “age-outs” in impressive ways.
Building Trust: Starting last Spring, our family has been dependent on ABD to create a world of safety and stimulation for our daughter. We are almost a year into signing over responsibility for so much of our daughter’s future to them. This has been hard for me as her mother. Trust takes time to build and though our daughter felt comfortable almost immediately, with transient moments of dissatisfaction, for her mother this was a slower process. This past week I have reviewed my own journey and can say that trust, though a living thing and open to change, has been established. The ABD staff understands how difficult it is for families to “let go” when for decades they have been the lynch pin that holds their special needs child’s life together. There is no question that they have earned our trust through their professional and very personal care and dedication to our daughter. And though we have given others responsibility for the care and safety of our daughter before, both at sleep away camp and boarding school, never was it so inclusive and “legalized” and never was she so close to home that the ambiguities of our roles were a source of confusion. Distance adds a kind of clarity that proximity does not offer.
The End Of The Era Of Transition: My next post, on Monday, March Twenty Sixth, will be the last for this series of “Parenting Special Needs: One Day At A Time.” In the meantime, I hope that if anyone has thoughts they would like to share, please do so on the blog. All comments are welcomed. The transition from parenting a special needs child to an adult with special needs will continue but the first leg of the trip is certainly over. Thank you for accompanying us on it. And please check in on my final post in two weeks.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
The Un-Romantic Bed
Bill Maher: If ever there were an unromantic guy, it is Bill Maher with his surgeon-like skill to slice away all artifice and get to the earthy or seamy underbelly of so much of life, political and otherwise. Recently, he made a comment about sleep which got me thinking about the unromantic aspect of sleeping together or apart.
But first, his comment. Mr. Maher, in an interview with guest Dr. Drew Pinsky on his HBO talk show Real Time while discussing the demise of Whitney Houston, made this observation about celebrities and drugs “…one thing you can’t command, any of us, is sleep.” In Maher’s opinion, “A lot of these deaths (referring to celebrity deaths) are about sleep.” In that context Mr. Maher reached as far back as Elvis, who, he believes, died in pursuit of a good night’s sleep. Mr. Maher and Dr. Drew were in agreement that prescription drugs, readily available to the rich and powerful, are often the pathway to untimely and tragic death. Why? Mega stars have entourages, including physicians whose role is to gratify their clients every whim. In Mr. Maher’s view, no one has the magic spell that brings “on demand” the elusive state of sleep without relying on a potentially lethal potion of chemicals and alcohol that ultimately can make sleep permanent. And no one can guess, neither those who may provide the drugs or drink, nor the imbibers, when that potion might take the lethal turn.
Sleep Over Romance: Mr. Maher speaks the truth when he says, ”No one can command sleep.” But almost anything can interrupt it for many. It is this conundrum of shared bedding that often puts even the best of compatible Coupledoms in a quandary over how to stay intimate and spoon in the double, queen or king-size realm, and still get a decent night’s sleep. Snoring, insomnia, spouses who talk or groan in their sleep, toss and turn and even strike out an arm or a leg sometimes smacking their unsuspecting partner, steal sheets, need the T.V. on, turn on a light to read, leave the bed several times to pee, get hot flashes and rip off the covers or their PJ’s in middle of the night, fight over windows open or closed: these are just some of the interruptions that can lead to serious sleep deprivation. Those are challenges enough to Coupledom sleep compatibility without adding the great sleep challenge that child rearing brings to the art of achieving a peaceful night’s sleep “together.” (See my previously published post on the subject, Musical Beds: Bedtime And The Coupledom).
In a blog published in the Wall Street Journal in 2009, the “sleeping separately” solution for those who cannot achieve sleep while sharing a bed with their partner is outed and normalized as a reasonable alternative to serious sleep deprivation. Perhaps a different issue than the celebrity search for a restful night, which may be complicated by serious emotional issues, a lifestyle of erratic hours, and drug dependency, the typical Coupledom may be suffering from the social pressure to appear “happily married” by co-existing nightly under the same set of sheets at the price of sleep loss, a potentially serious medical threat to one’s health and a surefire way to reduce emotional tolerance in any relationship.
Sex, Vacations and Visitors: We are a culture that tries to conform to conventional images that portray happiness and health. Isn’t that what advertising is all about? Happy couples in separate beds or bedrooms have not been pictured in catalogs, movies or television shows since Lucy and Desi. Yet, despite media displays of marital bliss as one bed, two spooning bodies, many couples sleep apart not because they are alienated from each other, but because they cannot forgo another night of sleep without losing all pleasure in living. When on vacation these same couples are challenged to find affordable options for separate rooms, and when visitors come to their home, they are faced with revealing this “anomaly” of coupling or spending a few nights back in the sack together sleepless again. That sexual contact is associated with sharing a bed is countered by anecdotes from many a couple who remain in the same bed while experiencing serious emotional and sexual alienation even to the point of seeing a divorce attorney. Bedding down together each night is no guarantee that intimacy of any kind is actually taking place.
Children: I have yet to find scholarly research on the impact on children of parents sleeping either in separate beds or bedrooms. Emphasis in blog posts and articles is on the relationship between spouses while they are awake ,which more fully tells their children the story of their parents’ relationship than who sleeps where. It is also useful to be clear why separate bedrooms work if the child raises the topic or has some questions. Children are not particularly eager to hear about their parents’ sex life, so a general sense that all is well is conveyed by affectionate displays and real life observations that their parents enjoy each other’s company, rather than grunts and groans heard through bedroom walls.
However, I did come across an article for parents who are getting divorced that includes an easy guide to understanding from a developmental perspective how children of different ages view their familial world, published by North Carolina State University. Understanding the stages of child awareness at all ages can help parents separate fears from facts.
The Un-Romantic Bed: My unromantic poster boy, Bill Maher, has the knack for flushing out hidden shame on many subjects. That sleep is important is not a new idea. But that in the search for a peaceful sleep, some succumb to the temptations that an “elixir” of sorts can, like the long sought fountain of youth, bring eternal happiness is exposed for the ruse that it is. And that “shameful fact” that many couples cannot achieve nocturnal bliss side-by-side should be outed as well, rather than guffawed over or sneered at as some skeleton in the marital closet. Perhaps Mr. Maher can out that fact as well? With all Coupledom issues, what is healthy is truth, earthy, often unromantic but not shameful. A good night’s sleep for each partner makes for a better Coupledom.
Have That Conversation. It is very personal but it is also very practical.
Sweet dreams.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
Couples Counseling: A Tool For Life?
Checking In: When a couple comes in for counseling, they are motivated by a personal crisis, either within The Coupledom or one pressing on the Coupledom. Typical triggers are a particularly volatile fight, an encounter with relatives/in-laws that leads to a clash of attitudes, a financial crisis, a child’s acting-out, loss, an affair, a suspected affair, addiction or illness, sexual discontent, an impending retirement, or other significant life changes. I have worked with couples on the eve of their wedding where one questions the decision to marry. Couples, only a few months post-wedding, where one member of The Coupledom is behaving in a most “unmarried” fashion. And the therapy can last for several months or several years. But what really makes for the greatest certainty of sustained improvement is when couples use therapy whenever one or both see themselves stuck at an important crossroad or drifting apart with ever-widening chasms between them. The “return” to a trusted couples psychotherapist who is familiar with the individuals and their history can be an enormous asset to any marriage.
Undermining Attitudes: I am often puzzled by the association many in our society continue to make when considering professional help with marital issues (or any relational or psychological challenge). Despite the fact that psychotherapy and counseling are everyday terms in today’s culture, with television and radio shows providing therapeutic interventions to openly distressed individuals within view of wide audiences, in the private sector there remains a belief that asking for help signals crisis, catastrophe, humiliating weakness, or a first step to divorce. Frequently a spouse will call to inquire about counseling with the caveat “my husband/wife doesn’t know I am making this call” because they anticipate that the spouse will be alarmed and resistant. Often the first appointment or first few appointments are focused on helping the spouse find the courage and the skills to have the conversation that will lead their partner to the needed couples therapy.
Improvement as Incentive: All psychotherapy, to be useful, requires a gradual lowering of one’s guard, defenses or whatever armor we all use to appear invulnerable to others or to reassure ourselves that we are in control. Couples therapy provides witnesses to this shedding of layers of protective covering, not just in the presence of a stranger, the therapist, but also someone very familiar, with whom one lives: the spouse. These are powerful dynamics and can lead to powerful and positive changes for the relationship. When a couple emerges from their first round of therapy, feeling a sense of relief and renewed intimacy, what prevents them from returning when old habits sneak back in? Or new stresses arouse old issues?
Regression: Regression is a normal part of life when challenges arise and couples often regress back to former destructive or alienating behaviors when one or both of the members of The Coupledom are having a rough time. Job loss, illness, retirement, adding another child to the family, or children leaving home, hormonal changes, a death, mid-life transitions and moves are just a few of life’s passages that introduce elements of concern and readjustment. Sliding back to habits that become distancing is typical as well. The energy that it takes to stay involved and interested in even someone we love can be trumped by work ambition, child rearing demands and personality traits characterized by self-absorption and avoidance. Yet a return to couples therapy is often last on the list of options and sometimes even too late. Why? Because therapy makes us look at our pain and that is hard to do. It is that simple. Pain, as in fear of failure, of loss, of imperfection, of powerlessness or anger, of insecurity and suspicion, of hurt and helplessness. Painful feelings that we don’t like to address unless we are bleeding. And sometimes that is too late for The Coupledom.
A Tool For Life: I work with couples that return to therapy when they hit a bump in life’s road. They don’t see couples therapy as a one shot only, make it or break it deal. They view therapy as a resource to turn to whenever they need it. If one of The Coupledom says, “Let’s go,” the other says, “Fine.” It is an acceptable option for both partners. I see this as evidence that a good relationship never stops growing or improving, especially when both partners are able to say, “Hey, let’s look at this and see what we can do to make it better. Why don’t you call and make an appointment?” “Will do.”
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
Do You Need an Education to Stay Married?
The National Marriage Project: The State of Our Unions is a joint publication of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and The Center for Marriage and Families at The Institute of American Values. I have provided a link to download a PDF of the study above and urge everyone to scroll through the document. This publication is an astonishing depiction of the trends in our country that highlight both the ever-increasing disparity between the affluent and the less affluent and the “highly educated” from the “moderately educated” to the “least educated” social classes and the impact on the institution of marriage.
The Terms: Though I cannot offer an easy summation of their findings, I can focus on the role of education and marital health. The term “highly educated” refers to those who receive a college education. For the “moderately educated” high school graduation completes their formal education. The least educated drop out of high school.
The title of this year’s “State of the Union” publication, “When Marriage Disappears: The Retreat From Marriage In Middle America”, does not then refer to “middle America” as a political or geographic section of our country, rather to the educational level and lifestyle choices of the largest segment of the American population, those with a high school only education. Historically this group was deeply tied to the institution of marriage but increasingly has chosen other options. They also have a rising divorce rate and non-marital childbearing rate both significantly higher than their more educated peers, as well as being less likely to use birth control and more likely to abuse drugs and alcohol than their highly educated peer group.
The statistics for this group are rapidly mirroring those of the least educated, the high school dropouts in our culture, which leads us to the question, “Do You Need an Education To Stay Married?” Apparently the greater the educational achievement, the more likely you and your partner ascribe to values that help to sustain marriages.
The Success Sequence or The Soul Mate: The study identifies two different concepts of the role marriage plays in our lives. “The Success Sequence” incorporates the bourgeois values and virtues of delayed gratification, self-control, focus on education, and temperance which follows a sequence whose first step is the acquisition of an education, then work opportunities, followed by marriage, and finally childbearing. In general this is the pathway chosen by the highly educated. The moderately educated are trending toward the “The Soul Mate” model of marital partnership which is couple-centered, where the relationship is viewed as the vehicle for personal growth, rather than personal growth leading to partner selection, and whose survival is based on the happiness of both partners without the requisite sequencing steps of the highly educated model. Both models are couple-centered and value happiness but the “Soul Mate” model does not have the economic foundation nor the opportunities of the “success sequence” model and is therefore more vulnerable to the vicissitudes of financial instability such as unemployment, unplanned pregnancy, substance abuse, infidelity and divorce.
Process and Communication: I am neither a sociologist nor a political scientist. The relevance of this study for my work as a psychotherapist rests on an examination of the attributes outlined in the study that act to strengthen marital stability and satisfaction. Four emerge that match my observations clinically:
- The ability to delay immediate gratification (a cornerstone of “the success sequence model) in the journey to reach a longer-term goal;
- The role of education which in my view, enhances both conceptual thinking and communication–that is, the exercise of expanding understanding and the requirement of communicating knowledge and understanding to others;
- The involvement in process leading to outcome over time (again the success sequence model) which relies on the ability to await results and the belief that working at something over time bears fruit;
- Later marriage and childbearing, and in that order, all leading to more secure employment and financial stability which reduces stresses that challenge marital stability.
Couples Therapy: Couples therapy relies on the values of and belief in communication and process, as well as the ability to delay immediate gratification, i.e. not finding solutions quickly. When I see a couple able to handle the anxiety of strife and the pain of hurtful words and realities in the session, while allowing me as a therapist to act as a translator who explains to one the emotions and notions of the other, I know that these folks have the necessary “muscle” to use therapy to better their marriage, over time. All marriages or relationships get into trouble at some point or points. Those Coupledoms that have developed expressive language skills can more easily learn to identify and clarify feelings with each other, in their homes or in a therapist’s office, and can ride out very difficult times without seeking immediate relief either in a substance or another person. Those who have few experiences with the virtues of process or have no faith in the benefits of delaying gratification are more likely to take flight from problems before reparative tools can be tried.
Encourage Your Children To Stay In School: I have written about the importance of education in a prior post. The disturbing findings of this report reveal that those who are members of the lesser educated middle America”grouping suffer greater disruption in their family lives with significant negative impact on their children’s future. All this is carefully documented with statistics in the report. Not surprisingly, the attributes that enable couples to profit from couples therapy match those that enable families to stay together, sustain marriages and have a great chance of avoiding the destructive consequences of substance abuse, unemployment and severe financial distress. That middle America has lost faith in marriage as a protective and useful institution, and the highly educated are leaning the other way, toward preserving their marriages more now than even ten years ago, speaks to many factors. But whatever the beliefs that underlie these trends, the results are clear: higher education is a hedge against some of the most harmful forces impacting family life.
Unequal Opportunities: Our country does not offer equal access to higher education. That vicious cycle of affluence leading to more affluence, and less to less, is often at play here as in many other aspects of our culture. However, valuing the attributes noted above can raise the likelihood that a family can provide a stabilizing environment needed to allow even the less affluent to reach educational goals in spite of the obstacles. Delaying gratification, utilizing the “success sequence model” and eschewing immediate gratification are attributes anyone can acquire, with the right guidance and values in place in the home.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
Two Ladies About Town: 2-20-12
A Pekingese Named Malachy: Our daughter and I had a grand time in New York City last Monday and Tuesday. The Westminster Dog Show was a “hoot” including the “best in show” Pekingese” Malachy, who we were lucky to view in the toy group Monday evening. Our daughter compared him to a “walking mop” and to me he resembled a mop on wheels or a very short Cousin It (from The Adams Family). Cute little duster.
Amazing Growth: Our daughter and I are great city walkers and talkers – being able to multi-task the chatter and the matter along Fifth Avenue and Central Park. Though I never for a moment lose sight of her or relax about crosswalks or crowded sidewalks, there is a kind of repartee that touches on the sophisticated as we stroll along. She was in great spirits and the day after the show we visited her brother in his office near Park Avenue and, at her suggestion, toured Central Park on foot. Twice a man holding a clipboard asked us if we lived in the city, obviously looking for signatures in support of one cause or another. And twice our daughter answered, “I wish I did.” She mused aloud, “When I am single I want to live in the city.” Really? Single? But you are single. I love how she absorbs the pop culture. This sounded like something extrapolated from an episode of “Sex in the City.” Single here means something other than “not married” to her. I am not sure what it might be and she couldn’t explain it; perhaps “all grown up.”
Sharing So Much: Our drive back was spent listening to Tony Bennett’s new duet album and sharing views on the voices of Josh Groban (mutual admiration for his vocals) and Lady Ga Ga, Amy Winehouse, Carrie Underwood, Andrea Bocelli: she knows them all. We share so many interests, some I inspired, others she inspired. In a safe and secure environment, we are great friends. When that environment shifts and I become “the mothering one” the ease and friendship takes a back seat. Normal, I know.
The Moments I Regret: Something of that nature had occurred upon our return to my niece’s apartment after the dog show. It was very late at night and we were both spent. Yet our daughter, who apparently got some toothpaste on her pajamas, decided to wash them in the clothes washer. I only learned of this plan after she had placed the PJ’s in the machine and started it up. She learned how to do her laundry at boarding school and often does it in our home when she visits, as well as in her apartment. I know that she takes pride in having achieved this skill. But this was a different machine and it was almost midnight. So I reacted impatiently, which upset and agitated her, when I opened up the machine where sat the clothes and some liquid soap minus the water. I was not eager to work a strange machine in a NYC apartment with many floors below that could suffer from leakage, though I did try at first to do so. But rather than push it, I gave up. We had some words but ultimately she slept in my PJ’s and I managed in a tee shirt, with the plan for her to wash the toothpaste-spattered top when she returned to her apartment.
I Believe In Apologies: Most of the time I apologize for my tone and impatience. I was so tired that night that I can’t recall if I did so. By the morning, we were fine together and had that great day walking in the park, talking Tony Bennett, visiting her brother, and lunching at the former Rumplemeyer’s on Central Park South, a tender childhood memory of sundaes and stuffed animals with my mom, which is now, sadly, a sports bar and restaurant. But I believe in apologies. And forgiveness. We all do in our little family. Our daughter often apologizes for moody moments and is forgiving though she will forgive only when she is ready. Her often-used refrain is, “I am not ready to forgive him/her yet.” But she gets there. We are a family that tends to own our mistakes without paralyzing shame or blame. That is the upside of the downside of being imperfect: knowing how to take responsibility for it.
The Advantage of Distance: I don’t like being the impatient, irritable mother who forgets to use problem solving skills or empathy. These types of encounters, where our daughter’s cognitive issues clearly play a significant role, and I react badly (I don’t even recall now what I said but it was obvious I was annoyed), make me feel guilty and disappointed in myself. I need my own red flag to signal, “Take a deep breath before you speak.” Living together full-time, until our daughter was almost seventeen, constantly set up such challenges for years and years, causing a lot of self-recrimination and puncturing big holes in my self-esteem as a person and a parent, along with ample bucketfuls of guilt. Which says that for me, the hardest part of parenting special needs was feeling that something I was failing at was causing our daughter harm, to her self-image and her self-esteem. When she went off to boarding school, and now living one town over, we are still close but with some distance, I can monitor my frustrations better and am less challenged as a parent.
Responsibility Is In The Details: Is there any difference in what I have described between a special needs parenting situation and a typical one? Well, if there is, it rests in the details and the level of responsibility. A special needs young adult is a more dependent individual. Why else the designation? Therefore the parent or guardian has more levels of responsibility. When I walk down the streets of Manhattan with our twenty-five year old son, I do not need to monitor him at the crosswalks. When he comes home and does his laundry, I am not double-checking anything. When he makes a new friend on Facebook, I don’t have to be concerned as to who this friend is. There are so many differences. Therein lies the rub. More responsibility, more concern, more likely to feel anxious, more potential “moments.” It is just that way.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
Nailing Down The Perfect Match
Hocus Pocus: Two articles appeared in the New York Times in the last week on couple compatibility. The M.R.S. and the Ph.D. article tracks the changing attitudes towards women’s educational achievements and marriageability over the decades. The early 1900’s through the 1950’s warned that “educated women” were less likely to attract husbands and were cautioned that if they revealed their intelligence in the presence of men, they were doomed. According to recent studies, this is no longer true. In fact, women with advanced degrees today are more likely to marry men who are less educated than themselves, less likely to divorce than their less educated sisters, and receive greater aid from their spouses in the home.
“The Dubious Science of Online Dating” appeared in the Times’ Sunday Review section and focused on research soon to be published in the journal Psychological Science in the Public Interest which questions the accuracy of online dating sites who rely on “matching algorithms” to locate suitable mates for their customers. The authors suggest that mathematical formulations based on such variables as similar personality type, ethnic and religious background, and likes and dislikes leave out at least two critical ingredients for compatibility: the quality of the interaction of the individuals which is not predictable from the profiles, and environmental factors including external stressors on the couple such as job loss, infertility and illness. Communication patterns, problem solving tendencies and sexual compatibility, which are significant in predicting successful relationships, emerge only after two people meet. The conclusion the authors’ reach from their research about predictors for successful partnering leaves little doubt that the Hocus Pocus of crunched numbers and cyber pairing just doesn’t cut it. Nothing replaces experience.
Our Cultural Obsession With Couple Compatibility: We are a culture that believes that a good relationship is at the heart of happiness and health. The fact that talk shows, websites and endless news articles attempt to define or map out paths to achieve success in this realm is no surprise. But nailing down the perfect match (we know nothing is perfect, don’t we?) in reality needs to rely more on self-knowledge and an astute tracking of personal reactions to another, along with sound assessments of the quality of the individual sitting across the table from you. The foundation for making a sound choice rests with listening to yourself, knowing your pitfalls, defenses and patterns, and not minimizing the signals inside you that say, watch out while simultaneously looking for signs that the other is capable of self-examination as well.
Time: All of us have heard these words, “I knew I should not have married him/her but…” and then the reasons pour forth. Deposits were made on wedding halls, invitations went out, biological clocks were ticking and loneliness sucked. But how did they get this far along in the process before they allowed themselves to question their decision? I often say to patients, “It is not that you got into an unsatisfactory relationship that is significant. It’s how long you stayed there.” which means simply that somehow denial or avoidance of the importance of their feelings or difficulties prevented aborting the mission sooner than later. What compels folks to choose partners who are not good for them? There are multiple roots but one of the deepest is “fear” that no one else will want them. If the onset of the marriage is going well but problems rear up over time, which they do, fear may foster denial and avoidance again which will delay addressing issues that might be easily fixed in the early years, but will only get more complicated and intractable with time and neglect.
Knowledge: Observing the quality of your interactions with your potential or current mate is the best tool to use in figuring out whether teaming up makes sense. The attribute most promising in a partner is their willingness to look at the nature of the interactions between the two of you with an eye towards improvement as well. If they are not inclined to do that from the onset, this doesn’t bode well for the future when the relationship naturally expands in complications of the shared life. There is useful research available on couple compatibility coming out of The Gottman Relationship Institute and also easily accessible in Tara Parker-Pope’s book, For Better: The Science of a Good Marriage, which offers useful perspectives on relationship dynamics.
The Informed Consumer: The late CEO of the Syms clothing chain use to end his radio commercials with the slogan, “An educated consumer is our best customer”, though some research suggests this may not be the case for buying suits as “the more informed a consumer or buyer is the more difficult it is to sell them.” But for choosing a life mate, this is clearly the way to go.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
Heading To The Dog Show: 2-13-12
Westminster Here We Come, Woof Woof: Today our daughter and I head to Madison Square Garden in New York City to see the 136th annual Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, a long awaited second visit to this country’s pre-eminent canine competition. And we are psyched. Our daughter has already previewed the Monday night line up and shared with me that among several new breeds introduced this year at the show is the American English Coonhound, descendant of English Foxhounds bred in Virginia, and the Cesky Terrier, from the Czech Republic with the personality of a “shy terrier” and a resemblance to a Miniature Schnauzer. As always our daughter’s swift access to Internet information awes me. No sooner had she popped up the screen on our home laptop computer than she had the breeds and their origins at the tip of her tongue.
Making Life Richer: Our daughter has enriched our lives greatly as a result of her omnivorous curiosity. After exposure to horses at age three while watching her six-year-old brother ride, she fell in love with the giant creatures and through the years poured over books filled with photos of horse breeds. I recall the moment that I recognized the developmental leap in her spatial awareness when she first noticed just how big these animals are, refusing to get on one for the first time ever. Despite this she never lost interest in watching them and continued to visit the local riding school with me several times a week. Eventually she overcame that initial shock and fear, and asked to ride again (which, thanks to the Pegasus Therapeutic Riding Program, she does to this day). She was a middle-schooler. I remember the poster we tacked to her bedroom wall filled with illustrations of the most common horse breeds, Appaloosa, Andalusian, Quarter Horse, Morgan, Paint and so on. Dogs were another four-legged passion which brought her to libraries covering five nearby towns where she would settle herself between the stacks and flip page after page of dog photos closely studying the characteristics of individual breeds (this was prior to easy access to sites on the computer), learning the class designations: working dogs, sporting, hounds, the terrier group.
Ain’t Nothing Like The Real Thing: As she acquired greater reading skill, and computer skill, thanks to the services provided by her school district, her knowledge base expanded exponentially. Yet not satisfied with the paper or online version of animal types, she sought out the real thing, in parks and at stables where she interacted with both dog owners and members of the equestrian world, chatting them up with questions and impressing them with her knowledge. Therefore her curious mind facilitated her social development mightily. And of course, as her companion, chauffeur and escort, I learned a ton too. Having a keen visual acuity and memory for physical characteristics, a talent she shares both with her father and her brother, our daughter has the ability to distinguish members within a particular grouping or breed based on shape, coloration and more subtle factors such as ear shape, markings, snout, that I find illusive. Her attention to detail when stimulated is awesome. I do not share this talent for visual awareness and so am in constant awe and grateful enrichment for being able to view these worlds through my daughter’s far keener eye.
Far-Reaching Appetite: Our daughter’s hunger for knowledge reaches beyond canines and equines to rodents, amphibians, snakes and celebrities, impressionist artists, cooking shows and comedy series, Seinfeld, Big Bang, Family Guy, CSI, World War movies, romantic drama and medical and nutritional videos, musical theater and film. Wherever we are, if there is a flyer or pamphlet available, she picks it up and peruses it. In fact, there is very little that doesn’t hold some interest for our daughter, few areas of life in which she has no knowledge. Ah yes, team sports might qualify as one area of little appeal. But that could have changed if she were raised in a different family, or if she begins to hang out with some Giants fans now.
To facilitate these cravings for knowledge we owned many of the objects of her interest: at ten she got a dog; for almost seven years we housed a rat named Doris, and later one named Jenny who lived in the dashboard of the car for two weeks until she escaped on the pier of the Port Jefferson ferry; a white mouse; a hamster; guinea pigs who birthed more guinea pigs; fish and frogs and turtles in our own self-sustaining tiny ecosystem of a pond. We visited, and still do, museums, the theater, nature centers, horse shows and stables. She had an able body of people, a team, also known as a family, to make for a hands on learning experience, as much as possible.
A Fine Mind: What kind of mind is this that craves learning and stimulation and utilizes that learning socially, appropriately and impressively? A very fine mind and one that reminds us all that “special needs” or disabled, as a designation or description of a human being reveals nothing about the assets or abilities of that individual. Society needs such designations and they serve a useful purpose for allocations of services, support, patience and funding for research. But one must not use them to dumb us down to thinking, “This person has little to offer me or the world.” Quite the contrary. This petite person has enriched their worlds for many, especially those closest to her, and continues daily to do so.
A Multi-Dimensional Gift: I view children as a gift. They make us so much more than we would be otherwise. That loop of love at its deepest level enriches the human experience unlike any other. And this daughter is the gift that keeps on giving. It is doubtful that I would have attended a dog show or a horse show in my life were it not for this “gift.” Nor would I have appreciated the humor of endless slapstick moments, or men dressed as women, or dogs dressed as men and so much more. And now we are off to the dog show, six years since we last attended as guests of my sister. Six big years during which time our daughter moved mountains, leaped tall buildings, lived at a boarding school, graduated, aged out and returned to her home state to set up adult life one town west of her childhood home. We are back to Westminster, accompanied by friends, and so much has changed, so many fears for the future have waned. This will be a great show indeed to share with our daughter and to celebrate the outstanding young woman she has become.
Follow-Up: At my request, our daughter’s team sent me the medical documentation from her ophthalmologist visit last week. I have yet to see the glasses. When I picked our daughter up at her apartment Friday to bring her home for a birthday dinner with her brother, she did not bring her glasses. Today she stopped by to drop off her overnight bag on the way to DSO (Day Services Option.) We saw no glasses. Perhaps she has them in her purse. If so, I am interested to learn if she notices a difference and eager to see how they look on her face. Maybe they will enhance her viewing tonight. Her double vision is related to muscle fatigue so if her eyes get worn out by ogling the pooches at the show, she can pop them on for better “viewing.”
I will keep you posted.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
Valentines With Heart and Humor: A Developmental Approach
A Different Perspective: This will be my third post on the “lovers” holiday and I am stretching my brain to think what I might add to the topic that would be useful here. In the post Valentine’s Day Gifts Take Some Knowing I tackled the topic of gift giving. Valentine’s Day and The Coupledom: Is This A Test? provides a perspective on how to prevent the spiral downward that this holiday can trigger for couples.
Try A Little Humor With The Heart: Now I am thinking, how you approach Valentine’s Day each year can mirror where your Coupledom is developmentally. Looking through articles on phases of marriage has produced little inspiration here. So I have decided to create my own developmental phases for the purpose of this Valentine post:
Phase 1: The Valentine Date For Two: Once you have established that you are a “couple” that first Valentine should be the easiest and perhaps the most traditional: candy, jewelry, a massage or a romantic dinner for two. Sounds simple but if this first Valentine is fraught with angst or disappointment, turn it around by talking about how to make it better this year or next year. Don’t use it to tarnish the new bond; rather to polish it up for the future. Without removing all the sparkle, see if you can unearth your expectations and double-check if they make sense. If not, create something more satisfying and realistic together, based on who each of you is and how the Coupledom you create together can reflect both your styles.
The Yin Yang: It is typical that the yin yang characteristic of mate selection (opposites attract) usually translates into one as the romantic, the other the pragmatist. The romantic will paint the red, pink and perfect picture of lovers’ bliss but the pragmatist might speak of budget, time allotment and location. Rather than fight or feel insulted, recognize that you are looking at a sliver of the shared life as it really is: a mixture of two potions shaken together to create an original blend of both. Drink up.
Phase 2: Valentine With Responsibilities: Now you are no longer a blend of two but a melange of at least three or more. And that doesn’t mean just children. Could be a mortgage, rent, demanding boss, a dog, two cats, academic deadlines, children or all of the above. Now Valentine’s Day means sitters, perhaps an exchange of cards before bedtime or left at the breakfast table on the way out to catch the train. Maybe a promise of a weekend away when the baby is weaned or the bonus comes through. How does this Valentine sound now? BORING! Yes, but here is the moment for a developmental leap. Squeezing the “we are lovers, right?” between the sheets of this phase of married life is more complicated but it is also not forever. Keeping a perspective on the transient nature of these passages can place a more accepting expectation of this lovers’ celebration. Figure it out together, don’t set up your spouse to disappoint you. Look at his or her day and say, hey let’s make a moment that works for both of us.
Shared Humor Is Sexy: Opportunities for humor are everywhere, just check out popular sitcoms or chick flicks, The New Yorker Magazine cartoons or YouTube. The usual dirty diaper joke or the coitus interruptus youngster who is having a nightmare moment in the other room is always available for a few yuks. Rather than personalize the obstacles or realities that interfere with your Valentine dream, recognize the great bonding opportunities of shared humor, as sexy an exchange as anything can be, and the “let’s be real together” rather than the very corrosive “let’s test each other’s love or sexual desire.” No testing! Pleasing yes, but with a useful dose of what is possible, likely and mutually acceptable.
Phase 3: Valentine With Trust and Wisdom: Okay, so now you have survived the early years of marriage and the kids are big enough to let you guys go out by yourselves. Money is still tight and time remains limited but out of the house is doable. Is there trust that you are both on board to care for and love each other? If so, Valentine’s Day should be more of a mutual “let’s have an adventure” rather than try to resurrect the sparks of a decade or more ago. Those sparks ignite naturally. But you have so much more now, too. You have the wisdom of knowing what works best for shared enjoyment. And if you don’t know yet because you have been sacrificing “personal” wants for family unity then dig around together to figure that out. “What would be fun for you?” “What attracts you?” This is an opportunity for each of you to fantasize your Valentine with the other and try to put together a mix of both visions. Is it a day, a weekend perhaps or a long awaited vacation? Budgets, time constraints and inclinations are all equally significant. But don’t fight. If your ideas clash initially, leave the conversation for another day. Or surf the web together. Use your wisdom and trust to make the matured mixture of a shared life into a fun outing to celebrate a love of some duration. And watch out for the sparks that might be ignited by kindness and respect. They can be mighty powerful.
Phase 4: To Infinity & Beyond: How do senior couples mark Valentine’s Day? No, this is not a setup for a joke (but I do like a good joke so please post some on the blog as comments). Senior couples who have seen many Valentine’s Days together might go for novelty. Or perhaps nostalgia. For new couples who are seniors, see Phase 1 and have fun. For this post, I would love their wisdom on what keeps love alive over the decades. My beliefs are evident from these concepts: value your Coupledom (that third entity that you create together in which your relationship resides), think outside of the box, be flexible, try something new and keep a healthy perspective on it all.
Happy Valentine’s Day.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.S.C.W. 2012
Leap Year: 1-30-12
Six Month Review: How symbolic that the Connecticut Department of Developmental Services (DDS) has scheduled our daughter’s six month review on February 29, 2012, Leap Year! It will be six months since the August 1, 2011 move to her apartment in Ridgefield that has become her adult home. Leap indeed. What has transpired in these six months seemed like “The Impossible Dream” a year ago, a dream that only a Don Quixote of a mother could believe would come true.
What Does That Dream Look Like Today? How do you paint a picture of a dream? How do you match the paint colors with the images of the mind? Maybe Salvador Dali could answer that question but as a non-painter yet a committed dreamer, I can vouch for the fact that a dream can be transferred from the mind to the canvas of a life. Even when it is not your life. And that, so far, is what has occurred for this mother of a special needs child. My dream for our daughter has been realized in her world today. Imagine that!
A Typical Week: Our daughter’s “work week” begins at nine Monday mornings at her DSO (Day Services Option) program where a group of recently “aged-out” young adults attend six hours of social programming at Ability Beyond Disability’s Bethel, Ct. headquarters. At three o’clock our daughter then returns to her apartment and either exercises at the Ridgefield Park and Recreation Center with her apartment-mate and staff or attends another activity. (For a while she was attending a yoga class.) Tuesday she returns to the DSO where they might go bowling, attend a music class, help with volunteer activities or some other pursuit. Tuesday evening she and her apartment-mate participate in Angelfish Aquatic Therapy. Wednesday is errands and an apartment meeting with the behaviorist and other staff and a physical activity. Wednesday evening includes a special outing. Thursday is a vocational day where our daughter helps set up “chair yoga” at the senior residence Ridgefield Crossings with her vocational life skills staff. Thursday evening she participates in SPHERE, a theater program. Friday she goes to two jobs: ROAR, the animal shelter where she helps clean out litter boxes and receives training in how to care for the animals, and The Complete Cat Clinic, where she helps to groom the cats and socialize the kittens. Throughout the week our daughter does her chores, shops and cooks with staff who work with her to increase skills for independent living.
Weekends: Friday night is usually veg-out time at the apartment. Saturday she has her Pegasus Therapeutic Riding Program, though during the winter she attends their un-mounted program and has just acquired the skill of taking a horse out on a lead. Saturday and Sunday afternoons are replete in a variety of stimulating activities: going to a museum, a nature center, a flea market, theater, a fair or a movie. And interspersed throughout is quality time spent with her family, who both drop in to take to her lunch, or on an errand, or for longer outings to extended family functions, theater, whatever moves us. The ease with which she can be a part of our lives and we a part of her life delights us all in a profoundly meaningful way.
What A Leap: Does our daughter like her new life, and her new home, and her apartment-mate and staff? Totally. Have there been glitches? You bet. But what a leap from twelve months ago when all was a dream. I am aware that the perfection of this moment is not forever. Nothing ever is. But I can dream that the worst is over, that the formless canvas of her adulthood that rippled through our lives for two decades has filled in beautifully and will never be as frightening again. Fingers crossed.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
