The Couples Tool Kit
Working together as a team of three — by Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., Specialist in Couples TherapyArchive for Menopause
Oldies but Goodies: Sex In The Coupledom: A Powerful Absence
Happy Labor Day Weekend! Jill is taking a break from the blog this weekend to rest and relax post Hurricane Irene. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so.
Excerpt:
No Shame Needed Here: The fact that a significant number of couples are not having great sex, frequent sex or any sex at all, is not just a stand up’s late night joke but a common Coupledom challenge. Sadly, unlike other couples’ issues, admitting that you are not hot and heavy with your life partner feeds feelings of shame, fears of “something wrong with us” and secretiveness.
You can read the full post here:
Sex In The Coupledom: A Powerful Absence
© Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Oldies but Goodies: Weight Gain, Sex, And The Coupledom: Weight Tells A Story
Happy Labor Day Weekend! Jill is taking a break from the blog this weekend to rest and relax post Hurricane Irene. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so.
Excerpt:
A Forbidden Topic: Weight talk in a relationship is so tricky and full of traps that most couples avoid it or allude to the problem in jest or a groaning complaint. Females commiserate with pals about the five, ten or twenty plus extra pounds they’ve put on post children. They shop for slenderizing clothes and fat free foods, and have an off and on relationship with exercise. But they are often defensive and easily hurt if the topic is raised by their spouses.
You can read the full post here:
Weight Gain, Sex, And The Coupledom: Weight Tells A Story
© Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Sex In The Coupledom: A Powerful Absence
Sexual Intimacy MIA?: “A common clinical adage is that sexuality contributes 15-20% to a marriage’s serving of shared pleasure……… When sexuality is difficult or non-existent, it plays an inordinately powerful role, perhaps 50-75%.” (McCarthy & Metz, 1997). When physical intimacy is missing in action in The Coupledom, its importance soars!
No Shame Needed Here: The fact that a significant number of couples are not having great sex, frequent sex or any sex at all, is not just a stand up’s late night joke but a common Coupledom challenge. Sadly, unlike other couples’ issues, admitting that you are not hot and heavy with your life partner feeds feelings of shame, fears of “something wrong with us” and secretiveness. Ridiculous. Can anything this common and legal be that shameful? We have bodily functions that are more embarrassing.
In their book Rekindling Desire, Barry and Emily McCarthy cite inhibited sexual desire as the most disruptive sexual problem in marriages today. A no sex or low sex marriage, they emphasize, “puts tremendous stress on the couple especially if sensuality and affection also cease.”
From the clinician’s chair, that is exactly how it plays out. The low level of sexual contact, of course, is subjectively measured with each partner providing their own numbers. But a good guess is that the absence of sex for weeks, months or years at a time, if not addressed, will damage the relationship. As the McCarthys’ put it, “The longer the partners are in a low-sex or no-sex marriage, the more they blame each other.” (See my post “Hot Potato of Blame“)
Frozen on a King Size Mattress: In the hopefully forgiving atmosphere of the therapist’s office, descriptions of couples lying side by side in bed, anxiously aware of the other, with invisible borders marking the boundaries of intimacy, abounds. These same couples may go for years without sexual intimacy, and pay the price of avoiding the “white elephant” in the room when the damaged relationship can no longer be repaired. Closest friends and family are not confided in because this is the worst secret of all. Really?
The Awkward Conversation: Often stifled by couples as if it were a contagious sneeze, the sexual intimacy conversation is chronically sidestepped while other contentious topics such as money, in-laws, or children are the preferred vehicle for expressing hurt or anger, topics so much less personal, emotional millimeters from the heart, disconnected from the body and experienced as less damaging to the ego, a fragile organ indeed. Or the “conversation” takes place, is so loaded with shame, pain, and blame, the vitriol so toxic, that it leaves lesions rather than provides solace and solution.
Intimacy Gets Complicated: The days of easy satisfaction of lustful hunger, where no other factors but proximity, privacy and hopefully protection constitute all that is needed for bliss, pass as a sacred memory when shared domiciles, marriage, children and mortgages pile on. Sexual intimacy, once so easily met, becomes a maze of disconnected opportunities or misaligned stars. Sometimes it is the hurt around other issues that are masked by sexual withdrawal. Sometimes it is exhaustion, travel schedules, babies or physical manifestations of bodily changes, menopause, medication, depression or anxiety, premature ejaculation or vaginismus.
Perhaps there was always a hint of difficulty, an intimacy disconnect, even in the early stages of The Coupledom when awkwardness or sexual ignorance created a vicious cycle of anticipatory anxiety and avoidance. Shy and ashamed to ask for what might feel good or too fearful to explore where the secret satisfactions might reside, folks can remain fairly uninformed or painfully clueless of their own body’s desires. Memories of past loves or performance anxiety and projections of insecurities and self esteem issues onto one’s partner’s may further befoul the waters when mistaken notions of rejection or inadequacy distort what is frequently a simple need for clarification and sensitivity.
Stop Pathologizing Sexual Imperfection: Our U.S. culture celebrates shared sexual pleasure as the signature element of couple health. That is fine but the downside is that anything short of sexual bliss is seen as abnormal or deviant. To help couples recalibrate expectations and deal with the elements that are not working in their bedroom can become a less daunting task if the culture stops Hollywoodizing intimacy.
Below Standard: Buying into the notion that there is a fixed standard for “normal intimacy” is dangerous. Rubbish! Each couple would be well advised to figure out their own agreed upon standard, rather than be frightened off and self stigmatizing because of some chart or talk show chat. But to figure out an acceptable standard does require a foundation of trust and openness. Therein lies the work.
A History of Sexual Abuse, Religious Teachings, Substance Abuse, can be powerful contributors to sexual dissatisfaction and avoidance. Each topic deserves time and attention elsewhere. For the purposes of this post, the emphasis is on lowering the shame and avoidance levels, and beginning to address the sexual conversation, first with the “self” (what am I missing, afraid of, avoiding) and then together as a couple.
A Casualty of Sexual Loss: AFFECTION! When sexual intimacy diminishes, physical affection, the gestures of fondness, fall victim as well. Hand holding; hugs; kisses that are a bit more than pecks; embraces and simple body proximity (what’s the distance between you and me on this couch?) all suffer and make co-existence an artful interplay of feigned familiarity and strained affections. In short, stressful.
Naming The Obvious and Getting Help: Someone has to be brave. Asking couples to do the work falls in to the category of courage. No matter the topic, I find my guidance inevitably begins with the call for courage. Your Coupledom is stalemated or perilously descending in a spiral of doom. Some one of the couple has to step forward and state it: “Hey, we are clearly not intimate, have not been for a while. Let’s deal with it. Let’s begin to have that conversation or else…we will lose something precious here.”
“Just Do It” and “Have Humor”: Sex is serious but we do take it too seriously. Sometimes just doing it relieves the pressure of “not doing it” and actually if done with some humor and playfulness, regardless of who is sated or pleasured more or less, removes the weighted gravity of “not doing it”. The sacred standard of sexual satisfaction, the holy orgasm, even that can be a misleading or much overworked sexual destination. It is not unlike taking those first fearful steps towards crossing a bridge, when bridge crossing is your phobia. One step at a time and voila, you are on the other side. But do it again, and again and again. Develop a mutual language of humor about it. Get used to it, better at it, and begin to see it as, yes, sharing love, reducing tension, and having fun.
Seek Out An Expert: The Courage of Two. We are quite immature about this topic…still childlike and timid, with each other and another. An expert who is trained in sex therapy or couples therapy can walk you through the gates of sexual adulthood. It will take the Courage of Two to team up with the third “stranger” to begin the journey towards that imperfect relational world of intimacy. Always better, sooner than later. Delay can be fatal.
© Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
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Weight Gain, Sex, And The Coupledom: Weight Tells A Story
Weighty Topic: In recent days I read an alarming article on newly published obesity statistics nationally, glimpsed a Today show segment on a book about post-its to make overweight folks feel beautiful, and browsed through a piece in The New York Times Magazine on retail’s struggle to provide a profit margin in dressing the overweight segment of the female population. While stimulated by the history of retail and weight that dates back to the beginning of the twentieth century, my focus shifted to the numerous women who have connected their diminished sexual appetite with weight gain; to the numerous men who appear somewhat puzzled by this connection and the therapist, me, who wonders, chicken or egg. Which came first, marital distress or weight gain, hormones or heartbreak, self image or interpersonal experience?
Weight Is An Interpersonal Issue: There is hardly a female in our American culture who does not worry “the weight issue”. And some men too. Body image composes a large percentage of “self image”. Weight is everywhere: On the First Lady’s agenda; Oprah; online; on paper; and in the Coupledom. Most of the verbiage revolves around the “very personal” issue of appearance and self esteem, tips to be slender, struggles to accept girth with pride, and the foods and exercises that led one to success; or the self help guides to cope with the failures. From Black Pride, to Gay Pride to Weight Pride; history is marking efforts to accept ourselves and to be respected in our society. All very good. However don’t let the weight buzz fool you; weight gain effects not just our self esteem, or our place of acceptance in our culture. Weight effects our relationships. And it tells a story.
And Men Put On Weight Too: Weight gain is a very complicated issue, and deeply personal. Nor is it gender specific. Men put on weight too; first the paunch and then the double paunch. Women awkwardly confess to discomfort with their partners weight gain but say little so as not to “hurt his feelings”. Additional poundage in men impact both their self image and their relationship much as it does women. Whether it diminishes sexual desire, or self esteem to the same degree as in women is difficult to assess, as men are less likely to verbalize these concerns. However, my hunch is that is does all of that…just with the subtle twist of male pride.
A Forbidden Topic: Weight talk in a relationship is so tricky and full of traps that most couples avoid it or allude to the problem in jest or a groaning complaint. Females commiserate with pals about the five, ten or twenty plus extra pounds they’ve put on post children. They shop for slenderizing clothes and fat free foods, and have an off and on relationship with exercise. But they are often defensive and easily hurt if the topic is raised by their spouses. Men in general, talk less and focus less on body image but know that paunches and heart attacks do an ugly dance and mark the passage of the six pack youth of adolescence. Sexual activity diminishes under the “weight” (pun intended) of familiarity, children, work hours and hormonal passages. And women describe, as mentioned earlier, avoiding sexual intimacy because “I feel fat” and no longer identify with the attractive and sexy girl of their youth. Occasionally, in secret, men will share with me that their desire too is lessening a bit as their wives lose their youthful shape. However, men do not seem as likely to let weight gain, either their own or their wives, prevent them from enjoying sexual intimacy with their partners.
The Hidden Costs Of Sexual Avoidance: The most toxic element of sexual avoidance to the Coupledom is the loss of spontaneous physical affection. Holding hands, sitting close on the couch, a quick kiss while washing dishes or passing in the hall, any of the former ways of “being close” are eschewed for fear they may give a false message of sexual interest. Physical contact is monitored carefully to insure that no misleading signals of encouragement are sent to the partner. Consequently mere proximity to the other becomes strained, vigilantly micro managed and ultimately heartbreaking.
Shame: Shame is such a powerful force in the Coupledom. And weight gain can feel quite “shameful”. It implies loss of self control, aging, frumpiness, sex less grandmas in house-dresses, Jackie Gleason and Archie Bunker, grouchy, demanding males who strike out impotently at imaginary enemies. It sucks, the whole thing. Thus the topic is silenced by shame, and only rears its ugly head as a “personal” issue, shared with close girlfriends and therapists or alluded to when getting dressed in the morning; “damn pants are too tight”, or over a piece of chocolate cake at dinner; “I shouldn’t have this”; all packaged as something exclusively about the self, and often followed by perfunctory reassurance by the spouse that “you look fine”. Yet, in fact, weight effects the couple. Love life is impacted, activities and socializing are encumbered, sensitivity levels spike, and health issues are challenged. Gaining weight is simple, anyone can do it, happy folk, sad folk, any folk. Far more complicated to explain is what hampers reversing the weight gain trend, what factors interfere with losing those extra pounds that so sully the sense of well being?
Roots to The Problem: The causes are multitudinous from aging metabolisms, hormones; post-partum, ***peri-menopause to menopause (see more information below), life style, thyroid, food choices, six packs (the alcoholic kind) anxiety, depression, medication, injuries, really too numerous to list. And the dynamics in the Coupledom.
Outing The Weight Issue: The dynamics in the relationship may be a significant contribution to both weight gain and difficulty reversing the weight gain trend. The role of weight is surprisingly omnipresent. It is operative in activity choices: taking a run together or not; traveling to resorts (the bathing suit terror); reduction in all things physical. And in emotional attitudes: jealousy from insecurity about appearance; misinterpretations and projections. Ironically the subject of weight gain is probably the most popular “media topic” in western culture and simultaneously a “taboo” topic in the Coupledom”; therefore a daunting conversation to begin but one that needs to happen.
The Essentials of That Conversation: The “let’s talk weight” conversation needs to be a true exchange, neither the standard bid for reassurance or reinforcement of “denial” nor the litmus test of heralded but fantastical “unconditional love no matter”. Nope this communication is concerned with the reality of love, not the kind found between the pages of fairy tales and chick lit. This kind of love comes with its unattractive but ultimately endearing imperfections and compromises.
What Is The Weight Story In Our Relationship? Okay Honey, let’s talk weight. Begin the conversation. I, You, one of us, both of us, have put on some weight here, over the years, recently, whatever. How is that effecting our relationship? Let’s be honest with each other. There is no shame in something so common, so human, and so complex. Self acceptance and Coupledom Acceptance means the same, no shame, just some exchange. I will exchange my ideas, thoughts and feelings and please do the same. And then maybe we can come up with useful goals, over time. If this involves spilling pent-up hurt feelings, or revelations regarding identity shifts from sexy girlfriend to breast-feeding momma, or depleted male who worries finance 24/7 but never feels acknowledged for the effort, or the mutual loss of excitement and sparks, acquisition of the sedentary life style, let it all be said, shared and aired. That nagging, insidious but common competition within Coupledoms over who gives more, works more, loves more needs outing too. Maybe weight gain to fill the void where self-esteem and love once sat; weight gain because “we don’t do anything anymore” but sit and watch T.V. Weight gain because I feel like that wash cloth, useful and then wrung out, set aside to dry up.
Wanted: Courage and Encouragement, two of the underpinnings of the strong Coupledom. It will take both to face “weight and us”. If you get stuck, get help. Work as a team of three to tackle yet another piece of the Coupledom Pie (sugar free but full of love).
© Jill Edelman M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2010
Midlife and The Coupledom: Part 2: A Toolkit of Strategies To Make The Midlife Coupledom Work: Prevention for Younger Couples is Key
The Coupledom Through The Life Cycle: Tools are needed throughout relationships to deal with “change”. In the beginning of the committed relationship couples believe that they share goals, values and styles. The notion that personalities remain static is unrealistic. Development proceeds throughout the life cycle. Just as children shift and morph who they are, so do adults. The early pictures of “growing together as a couple” need to be reviewed and updated.
Hormonal changes are only one of the many variables that impact the “maturing Coupledom”: parenting changes: careers change; in-law needs change; locations change; health and economics change; cultural messages change. All these variables criss-cross the body of the relationship in unexpected ways, leaving a pattern of trails and tracks that cover over the traces of the younger Coupledom, making it difficult to recall what was once there. The more these variables are identified and discussed along the way, the better the prognosis for the Coupledom.
Aging Isn’t Easy Under Any Circumstances: Whether It Is the Journey To Adulthood, Or the Journey Through Adulthood: We are all conversant with the concepts of the terrible two’s or the adolescent years, times associated with growth and challenge. But what needs to enter every day parlance is the concept of A Lifetime of Changes and Challenges for the Maturing Coupledom. Adjustments to aging are not gender specific. They are universal. Men who saw themselves as the young hot shot at work are now the older not so hot shot. Women who had powerful roles as mothers or professionals witness a loss of significance and momentum. Mirrors know longer seem like portraits of the present but frightening warnings of the future. Erection challenges, pretty new neighbors, a friend’s much richer husband or a child’s success or failure all converge to destabilize self-esteem, self-image and relationship security.
Same Sex Couples: Midlife challenges are not limited to heterosexual couples. Same sex couples experience all the same variables. Whether there is more empathy because of shared gender is an intriguing question for which I have no answer; but certainly individual sensitivities, visions and goals need careful exploration and consideration. Visions will change, and all the pressures of facing a future together demand the same careful attention and communication as with heterosexual couples.
The ToolKit of Strategies: The Art of The Mature Conversation.
The All Important Basic Rules of Decency (BROD): Before you embark on sensitive topics such as menopause, andropause, dreams and goals, rules of decency have to be established. Intimacy can breed contempt but all couples have to fight that tendency. Whether it be the annoyance of listening to snoring night after night, bathroom behaviors, or disgust at the sloppiness of one and the compulsive neatness of the other, insults, words of contempt, superiority and ridicule are foul play. To approach sensitive conversations, rules of decency are required. Below are some rules to follow.
Differences in the Details: Making light of your partner’s concerns is taboo. Whether it is a defense or lack of imagination, poo pooing a spouse’s focus on a 4 pound weight gain, a few less hairs, or wounded feelings, is destructive and hurtful. Instead try to understand. Walk around in your partner’s “moccasins” for a bit. After all, this is how we parent. As parents we try to imagine how it feels to be a two-year old when she tries to master a new skill but can’t get it at first, or a teenager who has just been rejected by a boyfriend or lost a soccer game or received a rejection from the college of his choice. We need to use that same imagination with our partners. What might seem trivial is in fact representative of much larger issues.
Imagination and Empathy are Tools of Love: These strategies build bridges and weave threads of connection between people. Do not be dismissive or mocking, no matter what thoughts leap to mind or tickle your funny bone. These very thoughts might really be the defense of humor triggered more by fear or embarrassment than pleasure. Details or minutiae have larger themes, representing something far more significant for your partner than you may at first recognize. They are telling you something. Restrain Yourself. And be smart.
How Vulnerable And Open Can I Be?: Can I, as the husband, really share with my wife some embarrassing worries about my virility and attractiveness, or that I failed to become the man I envisioned ? My disappointing earning power: my fear that whatever I earn, she will spend on others. I don’t want her to see me as a wimp or make fun of me. Can I as the wife share how helpless and ashamed I feel with all these mood swings, forgetfulness and muddled thoughts. I don’t want to be the butt of his macho jokes. Once the rules are agreed upon, fears can be shared safely. Tread lightly on soft surfaces.
The Conversation: First step is to ask yourself what do I want my partner to understand about what I am going through? Once you identify the essential issues, then establish the Basic Rules of Decency with your partner. Should those rules be broken, agree to suspend the conversation for the moment, and reschedule it. Don’t over react and make the “conversation” the problem. Just regroup and begin again.
The Language of Conversation: It is always best to speak in the first person “I” when talking about feelings. “I feel” works a lot better than “You make me feel”. “I would like you to understand” works better than “You don’t understand what I am going through”.
As the listener, if you cannot take it all in, or feel overwhelmed or stymied as to how to respond, ask for time to think over what you just heard. “I may need some time to understand all that you have shared”. Set that up as an option in advance. Time is a friend. Use it.
Problem Solve as A Team Even With The Most Intimate Concerns: Concerns regarding sexual comfort and performance can be brainstormed together. And if no answer seems available in the moment, again take the time to seek out an expert, or go online, and make sure to continue the conversation together with shared information and suggestions. If your concerns are about fitness and attractiveness, formulate a mutually satisfying schedule to work out, together, or by taking turns with each covering for the other. Agree on dietary changes or take up a new outdoor hobby. Become good friends again. Help each other out.
Shared Visions Conversation: Do We Share a Similar Vision of Our Future?: Always Be Curious, Never Assume you know your partner’s mind. Ask! Describe what you would like as a future together. Offer your idea as one option, not “the” option. Have this conversation in the beginning of the relationship and often over the years. If time is a pressure and decisions for the future have to be made, but the visions clash, always look for that “third option”.
There is Always a Third Option: Someone wants a sports car, and the other to redo the bathrooms. OK. Take some time to look at options. Visit some car showrooms and tile stores. Someone is dreaming of retirement in Florida and the other wants to stay close to family. Take out a map, check distances, climates and costs. Perhaps the dream of a Porsche is postponed for a steam shower in the new bathroom. Or a sports car is expanded to include a trip through the Napa Valley together with the top down. Something that both can enjoy. Stay open, playful, imaginative and do not let any one conversation be the final one….until you are both comfortable with its outcome.
Surely It is Worth It: During any conversation where the stakes are high, reactivity may soar. Buttons get pressed, but remember this is just the beginning of a series of exchanges over the shared lifetime. Crank down the “threat level”, listen and learn. No quick decisions, just process, reflection and empathy. For one moment, ask yourself, “what is it like to be her, to be him?”. For just a moment. Take Your Time.
Surely It Is Worth It.
Epilogue: That Couple mentioned in Part 1 did listen, and came up with a mutual vision, a “third option” to their life view, that healed enough of the hurt, deepened the bond and allowed them to move forward with their shared life. Each one took responsibility for their role in the “perfect storm”. No one bad guy. No one bad gal. Just two people who forgot to trust for a moment in the process of sharing what was hurting the most. Temporary solutions were sort outside the marriage, for both of them, and nearly cost them the marriage. It Ain’t Worth It.
©jill edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2010
Midlife and The Coupledom: The Perfect Storm, Part 1 of a 2 Part Series
A Collision of Hormones: Much has been written and talked about of the impact of perimenopause and menopause on the lives of women and their relationships. The Huffington Post published an article on February 10, 2010 by Staness Jonekos entitled “Will Your Marriage Survive Menopause? , a good question that deserves more than the typical “gender bashing” often seen online in comments or chats. Instead, what is needed is an informed and sincere exploration into the many variables and solutions to the midlife collision of biology and culture.
Biology: Andropause, the male companion piece to menopause, refers to waning testosterone and is associated with an increase in health problems such as heart disease, weak bones, subtle attitude and mood changes, fatigue, loss of energy and libido (sex drive). Similarly the reduction of estrogen in women can produce a plethora of uncomfortable symptoms, weight gain, hot flashes, sleep problems, mood and cognitive disturbances and vaginal dryness amongst other unpleasantness. Both menopause and andropause can deliver a wallop to the self-esteem, self-image and life time dreams.
The Outing of Menopause: A New Coupledom Weapon of War? After the publication of research linking hormone replacement therapy to some types of breast cancer, millions of American women were advise to abandon their HRT treatments, while others were dissuaded from beginning them. Since then, women entering mid-life have once again been at the mercy of very distressing symptoms. Consequently, menopause has become a rallying cry for many American women to join with their sister sufferers in shedding the shame regarding the “changes” and take this topic out of the closet and into the mainstream media, the coffee klatches, soccer games and supermarket aisles. That is the good news. The not so good news is that this very freedom can be accompanied by the notion that men should understand their partners’ multi faceted experience with empathy on demand. An unfortunate side effect of the menopause “outing” is that it can morph into another Coupledom Weapon of War by both sexes. A tool of campaign against the other.
Andropause, Does it Exist? There is excellent scientific evidence and even more anecdotal evidence that men experience a similar though less intense “change”. The desire for a sports car, more attention from wives, or the onset of worry over sexual prowess, the growing paunch, receding hairline and diminishing earning power is playing a part in the psyche of a man who seemed free from such concerns only months ago. Men are more likely to repress these fears or avoid putting language to them because they see this as weakness, unmanly and humiliating. Instead, they may act them out, becoming angry, demanding, or creating impossible triangles by asking their wives to meet their needs before those of their children, aging parents, work or volunteer jobs. To combat the “aging” process, looking outside the home for a mirror to reflect “youth” can deliver the final blow to what was once a viable marital relationship.
The Perfect Storm: Midlife which spans the ages 40-60 plus (ever-increasing with longevity and a vital boomer generation determined to stay fit) challenges both sexes to deal with real losses that deeply effect self esteem, self image, sexual stamina and dreams of glory. The irony here is that men may not want to admit that anything is “waning” while women may need to have their struggles acknowledged. Here is a collision of sorts, with one half of the Coupledom saying, look at what’s happening here and the other messaging, don’t look, it’s dangerous. What is happening to you may also be happening to me.
A Case in Point: Infidelity, The Empty Nest and Retirement Dreams: Many years ago, prior to the complete “outing” of menopause, I met with a couple who were grappling with the husband’s infidelity. Peeling back the layers of history, with an exploration of emotional and physical variables, what emerged was a powerful convergence of midlife pressures culminating in an infidelity on the part of a pretty decent spouse. There was no one bad guy or gal. Just a train wreck of sorts.
Whose Dreams Are We Living Anyway: This couple had married years earlier, a second marriage for both and were able to blend their children together to make a vibrant family. They were very proud of this shared achievement. At the crossroads of mid-life though, the wife had begun to experience pain during intercourse from vaginal dryness. Unaware that this was a common occurrence during menopause, she began to avoid sexual closeness. The husband perceived this as a rejection and was hurt and angry.
An Emerging Storm: A further complication was the husband’s view that the past sacrifices of time and money poured into raising their blended family were sufficient to allow him finally, to focus on a future retirement south. That was his dream. However, his wife believed that she had not finished her job as mother and now grandmother in launching their family. Weekends were spent working on the children’s new homes, putting up cabinets, loading laundry. Essential to this effort, the husband saw both his time and his money (which was especially biting), consumed by his wife’s goal to secure a future for their children, which she believed was still dependent on both of them playing an active role. That was her vision. Powerless to convince her otherwise, her husband became resentful and hurt. His wife felt the impossible pressure of having to choose between her husband or her children. He saw his dream of retirement washing down the kitchen sinks of his children’s new homes. The only thing missing here was the challenge of caring for older parents. Throw that into the mix, stir with hurt, season with anger, and stand back. The Coupledom, that special domicile where the relationship resides, suffers an 8.5 earthquake and comes tumbling down. Rubble everywhere.
PART 2: A Toolkit of Strategies to Make the Midlife Coupledom Work: Plus Prevention is Key For Younger Couples.
Part 2 will be posted tomorrow.
©jill edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2010
