This painful Pandemic Pause in our lives offers a time for reflection. And this post is the product of that reflection. As I said to one couple who visited for a session outside on my deck, often what we seek from each other is to be comforted, swaddled, made to feel safe again. And most […]
Communication
Coupledom Crossroads: Empty Nesting in the Age of Netflix
Lately I have seen an increase in couples turning to therapy as a tool to navigate the empty nest chapter of their marriage, or an impending retirement of one or both of the partners. A new current of concern is vibrating through the Coupledom – the unknown is looming and the challenges in the relationship that […]
For The Coupledom: What to Ask Your Parents While They Are Alive
The sad season of the global Pandemic and its devastation in our nation prompts many questions and offers new opportunities. For the Coupledom and for adult children everywhere, the mortality reality accentuates the limits of “time” and the unpredictability of loss. In my work, I encourage couples and individuals to be curious about their parents’ […]
For the Coupledom: How to Take Ownership and Why It Is So Scary
Reader Beware: This post is not intended for the quick fixers or the folks who find exploration of emotion boring! The hardest psychological endeavor in the couples therapy process is the act of taking ownership for perceived hurtful behaviors to one’s partner. Seconds after a spouse expresses their feelings, with lightning speed, their partner launches […]
Conflagration or Communication: Shielding Vulnerability
Words can be incendiary. Words can be inviting. Words can be soothing or exciting. Words can be informing or confusing. The power of words fueled by tone of voice and facial expression, highlighted by hand gestures and body movement, can open up a communication or shut it down. Fact or fiction or subjective interpretation, words […]
Holiday Horrors for Adult Children of Divorce – A Toolkit of Options
There should be no shame in divorce. After all, it is a challenge to sustain a marriage through a lifetime. And the circumstances of each uncoupling is unique to the coupling pair. Yet the wake of pain can follow the players throughout a lifetime, with a residue that impacts children, grandchildren, new marriages and families […]
In The Coupledom Grownups Need To Talk Like Three-Year-Olds
Many years and many blog posts later, I am thinking about the word redundant. Will this next blog post that I am tempted to write be redundant, as in no longer needed or superfluous? Haven’t I published ad nauseam, meaning to a sickening or excessive degree, the topic of communication in the Coupledom? Well, yes […]
Communicate the Mundane and Avoid the Pain
While doing couples therapy, I am often struck by how much is left unsaid between couples, both of a factual and feeling nature, that emerges in sessions days, weeks and sometimes months past the actual situation. The back and forth which typically ensues when reviewing transactions that have caused trouble stimulates in each partner the […]
Bully Wives #2 – Am I a Bully Wife?
Publishing a piece on Bully Wives during this momentous chapter in our cultural history might seem grossly insensitive or politically and socially deaf. I actively support the #MeToo movement and am marching in step with the challenges to male dominance and exploitation of women which have brought courageous women and some men to tell their stories, […]
Assumptions and Projections: A Corrosive Influence in The Coupledom
In my practice over the years, I have watched couples behave toward each other in ways that scream “unhealthy.” Often, these behaviors are the outcome of two mental activities that we define in our dictionaries as “assumption” and “projection.” In this context, the relevant definition of assumption is: “A thing that is accepted as true […]
Don’t Wait – That’s The Biggest Mistake!
When asked what is the most serious mistake that couples make, I answer, they wait too long to get help. The energy required to sustain a disabled Coupledom and avoid facing the realization that “we have problems that need professional expertise” could be channeled into using that “help” to improve the marriage. In fact, problems […]
As The Toilet Paper Rolls: The Domestic Challenge
A close up view of the daily goings on of a typical American Coupledom resembles a made for primetime series or a daytime soap. And that is what the most successful series chronicle – the minutiae of lives joined together. Could be Friends or Modern Family but the humor tends to be built upon […]
A Valentine Cocktail: Imagination With A Splash Of Empathy
The romantic season starts now. It’s pretty short – twenty-four little hours. Well not really – there’s the build up and the aftermath to factor in. It is also an opportunity rich with the possibility of long lasting gain for your Coupledom. I will not challenge the merits of our culture’s classic symbols of romantic […]
Hidden In The Closet: Shopping Addiction & The Coupledom
Frequently, in couples therapy, a spouse will bring up concerns regarding what they view as their spouse’s excessive shopping. And this is not limited to the stereotype of the wife who has 100 pair of shoes lined up on the closet floor. It is also the husband with 100 shirts in duplicate colors, or a […]
Pixar Outs Emotions in “Inside Out”: Denial Folds
Before I saw the latest Pixar film Inside Out I was working on a post, “Wild With Denial,” about how couples get into trouble by denying their problems, denying their emotions – and how it only takes one in denial to throw off The Coupledom. “No we are not having a problem; nope it’s just […]
The Catch Phrases of Manipulation in The Coupledom
How can you tell if someone is manipulating you? Let’s see. Are you frequently unsettled and confused after a conversation that didn’t go as you expected? Do you identify with that deer in the headlights scrambling up the shoulder of the road to escape from the semi heading its way? Do you leave conversations with […]
Think Outside The Candy Box: Valentine’s Day 2015
Here we go again. Heart shaped red ribboned candy boxes full of chocolate promises deck the shelves of the local CVS. A few days ago I noticed some harried looking males anxiously flipping through the stacks of Valentine cards in the supermarket aisle. The pressure is on to perform the mating ritual and renewal that […]
Lonely in The Coupledom: Post Holiday Blues
How Were The Holidays? The post holiday season can be an especially challenging time for couples. Perhaps you are empty nesters and the kids went back to school. Could be your vicarious thrill in watching your young children’s Christmas joy has waned with the new year or maybe when the grandparents flew back to home […]
Fates Entwined: Now Take Care of Yourself
The Unspoken Contract That Needs To Be Spoken: Decades ago my husband told me a funny anecdote about one of his aunts. She was a mother of four and her husband passed out in front of her. Not that funny? But what he quoted that she said both jolted me and made me laugh, as […]
Fusion Confusion: Fighting for Identity in The Coupledom
Me/Us? Personal identity, the self-defining kind, helps us to make the big life choices such as college, career, mate, when to breed, as well as small ones such as shoe selection, hair color and movies. Each time we say yes or no to something, we are giving off a whiff of who we are. When […]
Strangers On The Couch: Couples Therapy
In Translation: “Let me introduce you to your mate.” This is what I would like to say to my patients “on the couch” more often than not. Have you met before? I feel as if my job as their therapist is to be translator, interpreter, facilitator and teacher to two people who at times speak […]
Spotlight on The Heart: Valentine’s Day
What’s Tough About February 14? Besides the possibility of being caught in a winter blizzard, February 14 is the one day a year when the cultural spotlight aims its beams of light on the heart of the relationship. How soft, flattering or harsh the light feels, depends on the health of that heart, year to […]
Tidying Up The Holiday Mess: The Coupledom Hangover
Blight on the New Year: The ornaments are boxed, the ball has dropped and the seasonal remains of the day have been put away yet there remains some unwanted detritus from the holiday past. Those sticky, hard-to-get-off-the-soles-of-your shoes type of goo where some clash or alienation has occurred, either within the Coupledom or between the Coupledom […]
Tone, Look, Word (TLW): Stop the Poison Communication
A Volley of Gunfire Or A Conversation: Negative Communications. There are endless reasons why couples find themselves choosing tones, looks and words that insult, mock, tease and demean their partner. Hurt and angry feelings are no strangers to any relationship. The sarcastic tone, rolling eyes, mouth twisted in a smirk, and words that sting, all […]
Married to Wikipedia: The Evolving Marriage
The Expert: About a decade ago, I worked with a May-December Coupledom, the wife almost twenty years junior to her hubby, who were at a marital crossroads. The images each had originally held of the other were now anachronistic. The husband seemed trapped in the patriarchal position of most knowledgeable, the decider and the protector. […]
Note To My Ex: What To Do With All That Stuff
Bitter Twitter: On August 22, the highest trending tweet was #NoteToMyEx. Thousands of tweets spewed across the Twitterverse with such as: I can be happy without you and I’m doing so much better then when I was with you. let’s clarify: you were LUCKY to have me. I was the one settling. So shut up. […]
Sexual Pain Or Impaired Performance: No Shame, No Blame
What Is Not Spoken: As a couples’ therapist I am accustomed to learning from my patients that they have not experienced sexual intimacy for months or years leading up to their visits with me. Numbers of years. What is equally significant is the common admission that paralleling the absence of physical contact has been the […]
No, You Are The Problem: Finger Pointing in The Coupledom
Easy Enough: Is there anything easier, almost at any age, than pointing your finger at someone? Towards the end of the first year of life, most babies are pointing at something. And in our final days, feeble though we may be, we still have point-ability. No wonder we stay attached to this skill: it is […]
Personalize This! The Coupledom’s Achilles Heel
The Common Malady: In human interaction, and this may be a character trait unique to our species, there is a tendency to perceive the behaviors and verbalization of others in personal terms, understood as reflecting an attitude, belief or feeling that is about “me”, because of me, or in relationship to me. This tendency of […]
Healing The Coupledom: Neurobiology and Couples Therapy
The Refuge of Stories: Steve Almond, the son of therapists, author and writing workshop teacher, described in a New York Times Sunday magazine article the mushrooming popularity of today’s writing workshops, which he views as a version of the old “talk therapy”, so popular prior to the psychopharmacological and managed care revolutions in mental health. […]
Getting Married? How To Stay Sexy Together From The Inside Out
A Gift Of A Mind-Set: The wedding date is approaching and you and your partner may already be residing together. Or you may be living apart but have enjoyed sexual intimacy for sometime. Perhaps the two of you have delayed that most intimate of connections for your wedding night. Then again, you may be amongst […]
Couples Counseling: A Tool For Life?
Checking In: When a couple comes in for counseling, they are motivated by a personal crisis, either within The Coupledom or one pressing on the Coupledom. Typical triggers are a particularly volatile fight, an encounter with relatives/in-laws that leads to a clash of attitudes, a financial crisis, a child’s acting-out, loss, an affair, a suspected […]
Do You Need an Education to Stay Married?
The National Marriage Project: The State of Our Unions is a joint publication of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and The Center for Marriage and Families at The Institute of American Values. I have provided a link to download a PDF of the study above and urge everyone to scroll through […]
“The Descendants” An Award Winning Coupledom: What Can We Learn?
A Family Going To The Dogs Hits A Wall: “The Descendants” starring George Clooney is nominated for best picture by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, aka Oscar. At the Golden Globes last month, the film won for best drama, Mr. Clooney for best actor in a drama. It is ranked amongst the […]
Who Listens? Let It Be Your Coupledom
Telling Stories: Someone asked a psychiatrist ‘How can you listen to people talk about their problems all day.’ Comedic pause. Psychiatrist: ‘Who listens?’ Of course many of you may have anecdotes or evidence that validates that ironic response but one could insert husband and wife or wife and husband, in any particular order, and make […]
The Coupledom Dreams: Using Our Unconscious To Communicate
Talking In Our Sleep: Lying next to each other, so near yet in our own worlds, The Coupledom dreams, every night in fact, during what is called the REM stage of sleep, which amounts to approximately 25% of sleeping time. Yet what do we do with this rich resource of mental activity as a couple? […]
Oldies but Goodies: Women are Frightened But Men Are Not Listening: The Disconnect in The Coupledom
The October nor’easter did in fact leave southern Connecticut without power…again. So while Jill is reading by candlelight, here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so. Excerpt: A couple sits in my office reviewing a painful exchange in which the wife ascribed a well-intentioned action of her husband’s to […]
50% Of Us Is Done: Marriage Over?
The Unfairness Factor: One of the more profoundly emotional experiences in couples work is watching the demise of a Coupledom when only one of the partners is “done.” The spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is outnumbered. Yes outnumbered because it only takes 50% of the vote to emotionally dissolve the marriage. How […]
Husbands Without Friendships or Heart: Why?
Boys Are Socially Illiterate? Niobe Way, a psychologist at New York University whose area of specialty is adolescent development, recently published a book entitled Deep Secrets: Boys’ Friendships and The Crisis of Connection. The book focuses on her research on male adolescent friendships, her experience as a high school guidance counselor and observations as the […]
Oldies but Goodies: Weight Gain, Sex, And The Coupledom: Weight Tells A Story
Happy Labor Day Weekend! Jill is taking a break from the blog this weekend to rest and relax post Hurricane Irene. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so. Excerpt: A Forbidden Topic: Weight talk in a relationship is so tricky and full of traps that most couples avoid […]
What Is The Media Doing To Our Marriages?
The Famous Unfaithful: A couple recovering from an infidelity described being rattled by the constant news reports of the famous unfaithful. The upside of the battering ram of infidelity reminders is that the husband is regretful and pained by his actions, which bolsters his commitment to working on his marriage. His wife sees his struggle […]
Addressing “Married, with Infidelities” within The Coupledom
Taking a break from taking a break, I couldn’t resist commenting on a very interesting article in the magazine section of today’s NY Times, Married, With Infidelities, by Mark Oppenheimer, who writes the Beliefs column. (Especially in the light of all the recent conversation about infidelity surrounding former NY Congressman Anthony Weiner and his Sexting escapades, […]
The Rich Coupledom Under Siege
A Mansion Divided: Several years ago I began working with a young married mother of two whose husband was prospering mightily on Wall Street. She was alarmed by an increasing sense that extended family members were assessing her family’s capital worth with personal gain in mind. She was just one of several patients with whom […]
Levels Of Betrayal: I Did Not Have Sex(t) With That Woman
Defining Betrayal: The over-active Anthony Weiner, whose nimble fingers have twittered him into some pretty deep you know what, has added a new twist to the ever popular presidential pronouncement, “I did not have sex with that woman.” What is infidelity and what grade are these men in when they come up with their personal […]
Great Couples Therapy: Takes Muscle
What Does It Take: Great couples therapy…what does that mean? Couples who are great in therapy? Couples therapy with a great therapist? Great outcome to couples therapy? Here I mean the therapy couple who hunkers down and does the work with grit, fortitude and risk. It is awesome to observe. A Profile of Great Couples: […]
What Do Your Children Know About Your Coupledom?
Little Pitchers, Big Ears? Children are sponges. They are meant to be so. Absorbent. It facilitates learning the art of being human. Parents swell with pride when describing the latest juvenile achievement, seemingly spun from some invisible loom. Yet this sponge-like quality of growing children is recognized by proud parents when it suits us, and denied […]
Great Father/Great Mother: Failed Coupledom?
The New Yorker Captures The Coupledom: If ever you need a visual for what is happening to your Coupledom, pick up several copies of the New Yorker Magazine, and flip through the pages. Inevitably you will find the very image that corresponds to your moment. I did. While preparing my thoughts for this post, this […]
Our Daughter’s Question: 4-18-11
Keeping Her In The Loop: Our daughter called yesterday with a question, “Did M. (our case manager) find out about the funding yet? Furthermore, “When will we know about the apartment?” I can hear both interest and excitement in her voice. An Informed Consumer: For years I have kept her abreast of the broad strokes […]
Stereotyping The Coupledom
Stereotyping Your Partner: One marvels at the power of gender stereotyping in The Coupledom, that domicile in which the relationship resides. Years, even decades into a marriage, partners interpret behaviors in the language of expected gender norms. Often these interpretations are inaccurate and create emotional distance rather than facilitate connectedness. Dismissive or Disengaged? At the […]
A Parenting Quandary: Respect or Protect?
Well Meaning Parenting: In the trenches of parenting, whatever the child’s age, a primary motivation is to “protect” the child from everything from dental decay to death. The parenting manual, implicit as it is, but part of any species, is to promote the survival of the species, i.e. our offspring. Love as Motivation: In the […]
Owning Your Stuff Builds Coupledom Trust
Trust Busters: There are ample ways to mar and maim belief in someone’s regard for you. Trust marring can be as fleeting as overhearing a derisive comment about you, or as weighty as discovering romantic texts and hotel charges. Like the derma that covers our organs, we have muslin-like layers of protection covering our emotions; […]
The Secret To A Happy Marriage: Self-Expansion
A Tip To Start The Coupledom Off On The Right Foot in 2011: The sum of one partner part plus one partner part equals two partner parts: No! Not if you follow the research. In fact, as mentioned in previous posts, optimal bonding in The Coupledom should lead to a much greater, broader entity…the combined […]
Women are Frightened But Men Are Not Listening: The Disconnect in The Coupledom
Women Know Something That Men Need to Know: When a friend mentioned that her teenage daughter’s driving instructor suggested she relax her shoulders, complimented her appearance and bemoaned the fact that his job restricted personal revelations, the mom’s antennae went sky-high. It soared when her daughter added that her girlfriend had similar inappropriate moments with […]
Couples Communication: What Are We Teaching Our Children?
Modeling Communication: Without a doubt, the ticket to Coupledom disaster is best acquired by non-communication. Couples who choose therapy are talking just enough to reach a consensus to get help. Couples who can’t talk communicate with attorneys. What boggles this therapeutic mind is where did these folks learn to “not communicate”? As a culture, we […]
Husbands Have Changed: Have Wives Noticed?
Time Out to Consider Dad: Saturday’s New York Times (6/19/10), in anticipation of Father’s Day, published an article by Tara Parker Pope entitled “For Fathers, A Tough Balancing Act”. The article and a similar piece in the New York Times November 2, 2009 by Laurie Tarkan “Fathers Gain Respect From Experts (and Mothers)” inspired me […]
Marriage and The Immune System: Toxicity in the Coupledom
Married Healthy or Married Sick? Over the decades scientific research has suggested that marriage may provide benefits for longevity and health. However, now that researchers have refined their techniques to measure “health” and “stress” in more nuanced forms, the quality of the “marriage” as anyone in a marriage knows, casts vast shades of difference over […]
“Love Means Never Having To Say You’re Sorry”: Excuse Me?
The Healing Power of Remorse: In the 1970 movie, “Love Story”, the line “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” became universally famous. The movie, based on the eponymous book by Erich Segal, popularized the concept, furthered bolstered by the pop psychology of the era, that true love required an unconditional acceptance of the […]
Midlife and The Coupledom: Part 2: A Toolkit of Strategies To Make The Midlife Coupledom Work: Prevention for Younger Couples is Key
The Coupledom Through The Life Cycle: Tools are needed throughout relationships to deal with “change”. In the beginning of the committed relationship couples believe that they share goals, values and styles. The notion that personalities remain static is unrealistic. Development proceeds throughout the life cycle. Just as children shift and morph who they are, so […]
Depression and The Coupledom: The Secret Menace
The Unacknowledged Intruder: Depression and The Coupledom: The New York Times Sunday Magazine featured a fascinating article on the research of Andy Thomson, a psychiatrist at the University of Virginia. The piece entitled “Depression’s Upside” by Jonah Lehrer discusses research into the adaptive components of depression. Fascinating as the research is, it deals mainly with […]
Bickering and The Coupledom: Read This Together
Two articles from the NY Times to think about: Therapists Report Increase in Green Disputes More Men Marrying Wealthier Women We are Fighting for…??? Embroiled in battle, couples can tap a useful tool, self inquiry Self Inquiry: It goes something like this: “Self, what am I trying to win here?” If you come up with […]
ToolKit of New Years Vows for Relationship 2010
THIS NEW YEARS EVE, SUGGESTED VOWS FOR THE COUPLEDOM Take Time: Each day, by email, cell phone or in person, touch base on how your partner is doing. Be Curious: Just a simple inquiry, how has your day been? No distance or work load or diaper pile is far enough, big enough or deep enough […]
The Daily Challenge of Reentry
At the end of the work day, whatever the time, be it 6 P.M. or 12 midnight, a couple reunites under the same roof. How that reunion goes impacts greatly on the relationship over time, months, years. This is also true for couples where one partner travels and re entry may occur after a few […]