There should be no shame in divorce. After all, it is a challenge to sustain a marriage through a lifetime. And the circumstances of each uncoupling is unique to the coupling pair. Yet the wake of pain can follow the players throughout a lifetime, with a residue that impacts children, grandchildren, new marriages and families […]
Why Do Some People Stay? What Can We Learn From Hillary Clinton
I am listening to an audio book called First Women by Kate Browser, which delves into the lives of first ladies from Jacqueline Kennedy to Michelle Obama, providing lots of anecdotes and “insider” information about each of the ladies as well as painting a very interesting portrait of their lives in the White House, a portrait […]
You Don’t Need The FBI to Out Your Affair: Mechanisms of Denial
Lordy, Lordy: General Petraeus, General Allen, authors, triathlon athletes, West Point, Harvard, Tampa, military hostesses, radiologists, the FBI, a colossal mess for the U.S. And we were just trying to gain some footing after the tumult and havoc of Sandy and Election 2012. Nope, there is no peace for the human psyche when under the […]
Note To My Ex: What To Do With All That Stuff
Bitter Twitter: On August 22, the highest trending tweet was #NoteToMyEx. Thousands of tweets spewed across the Twitterverse with such as: I can be happy without you and I’m doing so much better then when I was with you. let’s clarify: you were LUCKY to have me. I was the one settling. So shut up. […]
What Can We Learn From Katie Holmes? Don’t Stop Thinking About Tomorrow
Katie Holmes: What can we learn from Katie? She is clearly a girl who never stopped thinking about tomorrow. She married a big star, apparently with an ironclad prenup that didn’t rust, and she never gave up her day job. Though some might question the Katie Holmes reference, I am using her to make a point. […]
I Don’t Want To Lose My Children
Father’s Day: A Sunday devoted to dad is coming up shortly and my clinical mind scans through father files looking for relevant information. Strangely, one oft-repeated phrase leaps out at me; “I don’t want to lose my children” – something that many fathers have said in my office when facing the possibility of a divorce. […]
A Divorcing Option: A Gracious Ending
The Possibility of Closure and Release: Once again Sunday’s The New York Times has offered an article that warrants attention. Briefly, as I am still on the road with my Coupledom, I want to draw your attention to Abby Ellin’s review of a new trend in divorced, divorcing or breaking-up Coupledoms. (I would say, former […]
An Article Worth Sharing: Pre-Marital Cohabitation
This Merits a Perusal: I am about to take a journey with my spouse which will include an abundant amount of “quality time” together, some of it on the road. Hence I am sure that upon my return home, I will have ample material to ponder and share. I had no plans to post anything […]
Do You Need an Education to Stay Married?
The National Marriage Project: The State of Our Unions is a joint publication of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and The Center for Marriage and Families at The Institute of American Values. I have provided a link to download a PDF of the study above and urge everyone to scroll through […]
Free Holiday Gifts
As the holidays consume our time and attention, I suspect reading blogs will fall down on the “to do” list. But just in case you have a moment now or after the Times Square Ball drops us into 2012, take a peek at the contents page of The Couples Tool Kit. Or dip into the […]
Holiday Toolkit 2011: Divorced: Now What To Do With The Ex-Laws?
While this post isn’t specifically about the holidays, it is all about family relationships and dealing with the “ex-laws” after a divorce – which always shows up as a major factor during holiday season. So we are adding it to the Holiday Toolkit in the hopes that it may just help you survive the most […]
Marital Myths: I Thought I Could Change Him/Her
Chemistry Compromises Clarity: We meet, we spark and we bond. What are the variables that allow folks to desire attaching themselves to someone? Physical attraction is a pretty heady draw but if met with an unappealing personality, a “dud” may not sustain its spark. There are many additional sources of attachment attraction. “We have fun […]
Holiday Toolkit 2011: The Divorce Survival ToolKit for Children of All Ages
Holidays are stressful times for The Coupledom. Here is another post about divorce and the holidays from the Holiday Toolkit. Today’s post from the Holiday Toolkit: Excerpt: Adult children of divorce as well as their younger counterparts struggle with the new regime, the confusing order of things and benefit from a language and vocabulary that […]
Coupledoms, Focus On Education!
Clarifying Priorities: I do not consider myself an expert on economics, not even adequate, but I am an expert on couples and families. Today’s New York Times’ Op Ed column by David Brooks is a must read for couples with children. Scroll down to paragraph 7 and read his description of something he terms “Red […]
Oldies but Goodies: The Divorce Survival ToolKit for Children of All Ages
Jill is taking a break from the blog this weekend and keeping her fingers crossed that the October nor’easter doesn’t leave southern Connecticut without power…again. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so. Excerpt: Weddings, baptisms, bat and bar mitzvahs, graduations, Thanksgiving, Hanukah, Xmas, often summon up painful emotions […]
The Affair: A Symptom of Marriage Rot or A Rotten Spouse?
Affairs Come In Colors: Not all infidelities look alike. The red-hot mega-media adulteries are not the prototype for most unfaithful Coupledoms. The shades of color for the common household variety of betrayal are in grays, not black, white or red-hot. Yet folks on either side of the betrayal highway feel more comfortable thinking in black, […]
50% Of Us Is Done: Marriage Over?
The Unfairness Factor: One of the more profoundly emotional experiences in couples work is watching the demise of a Coupledom when only one of the partners is “done.” The spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is outnumbered. Yes outnumbered because it only takes 50% of the vote to emotionally dissolve the marriage. How […]
Finding Love Over Fifty Online?
Can Dreams Come True After Fifty-Two? I am hearing a lot lately about older folks meeting up and partnering or even marrying, happily and in many cases, unexpectedly. Unexpected in that either they had been searching for years with no results, or surprisingly lucky when they began their search to find the perfect mate. Perfect […]
The Divorced Coupledom: Milestones Celebrated In Court
Back To Court: Several times a year, whether I am in session with a patient, or bumping into friends, acquaintances or former patients in the aisles of the local supermarkets, the phrase “He/She is taking me back to court,” is whispered to me in tones of distress, anger, irony or weariness. Weariness often more than anything laces […]
The Singledom Blues
The Suitable Other: I have been asked by folks, who are negotiating the worlds of post-divorce, widowhood, breakups and unwanted celibacy, to share some thoughts on The Singledom, a phrase used here to encompass a life in search of the suitable other. What’s New Under The Dating Sun? Mainly the pace and the method of […]
What Is The Media Doing To Our Marriages?
The Famous Unfaithful: A couple recovering from an infidelity described being rattled by the constant news reports of the famous unfaithful. The upside of the battering ram of infidelity reminders is that the husband is regretful and pained by his actions, which bolsters his commitment to working on his marriage. His wife sees his struggle […]
What Are The Daughters Thinking? DSK, Schwarzenegger, Clinton
Imagine: Can anyone imagine DSK’s lunch with his daughter 17 minutes after he left the Sofitel Hotel and his encounter with a hotel housekeeper? Whatever that moment was in the Sofitel, DSK shifted to dad mode within minutes of being “someone else.” His daughter Camille is a 25-year-old Columbia University graduate student. After her dad’s […]
Oldies but goodies: The Divorcing Coupledom: The Art of Uncoupling
Jill is taking a break from the blog this week. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so. Excerpt: In The Beginning There Was A Bond: When the Coupledom, the domicile of the couples’ relationship, splinters, what can be preserved and what must be discarded? These are daunting questions […]
What Do Your Children Know About Your Coupledom?
Little Pitchers, Big Ears? Children are sponges. They are meant to be so. Absorbent. It facilitates learning the art of being human. Parents swell with pride when describing the latest juvenile achievement, seemingly spun from some invisible loom. Yet this sponge-like quality of growing children is recognized by proud parents when it suits us, and denied […]
Maria And Arnold: A Rorschach Test
Separation Tremors: The announcement that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years married and four children may be sending out tremors beyond the confines of the couples’ California home. What can have gone awry? Mid-life crisis; infidelity; anorexia; male or female menopause; the end of a political marriage matching the termination of […]
Great Father/Great Mother: Failed Coupledom?
The New Yorker Captures The Coupledom: If ever you need a visual for what is happening to your Coupledom, pick up several copies of the New Yorker Magazine, and flip through the pages. Inevitably you will find the very image that corresponds to your moment. I did. While preparing my thoughts for this post, this […]
The Divorcing Coupledom: The Art of Uncoupling
In The Beginning There Was A Bond: When the Coupledom, the domicile of the couples’ relationship, splinters, what can be preserved and what must be discarded? These are daunting questions that deserve deep search and time. Here are a few guidelines for both spouses to use as they engage in the art of uncoupling. Respecting […]
The Affair: No Moralizing Here
Before; After; Not Yet; Never: Whatever your grouping of the moment, this read is for you. In today’s New York Times Modern Love Column, Wendy Plump pens an honest, metaphorically incisive depiction of an affair in The Coupledom. Having played both sides of it, Ms. Plump knows her stuff. No Moralizing Here? Are you already squeamish […]
The Divorce Survival ToolKit for Children of All Ages
Children of All Ages: For any age group, the ramifications of separation and divorce are felt most acutely at holiday time. Adult children of divorce as well as their younger counterparts struggle with the new regime, the confusing order of things and benefit from a language and vocabulary that empowers them. Locating their boundaries and […]
Divorced: Now What To Do With The Ex-Laws?
Former Mother/Father in Law: Step Children and Step Grand Children: Ex Brothers and Sisters In Law, Ex Nieces and Nephews: Divorce is the highest stress factor in our culture. Breaking up The Coupledom, the family and the household, is excruciating. And then there is the mess it leaves behind in the hearts, minds and pocket books […]
Dodging The Bullock Bullet: Why Do Women Marry Philanderers?
Philander: Readily or frequently enter into casual sexual relationships with women (Oxford College Dictionary, 2007). Philanderer, informal definition: Womanizer. What Were They Thinking? Sandra Bullock and Norris Church Mailer, sixth wife of Norman Mailer, and author of the newly published Ticket To The Circus reviewed in Sunday’s New York Times both married men with known […]