• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
The Couples Toolkit Logo
  • Home
  • About
  • Services
    • Family Therapy
    • Couples Therapy
    • Uncoupling
    • Individual Therapy
    • Grief and Loss Counseling
    • Children of Divorce, Young and Adult
    • Transitions in The Coupledom
    • Empty Nest Couples Counseling
  • Blog
  • Parenting Adult Special Needs
  • FAQs
  • Contact
  • Show Search
The Couples Toolkit
Hide Search

Blogs

Aiming high to achieve what matters most: Connection; Communication and Mutual Respect

The Hot Potato of Blame Game

The Hot Potato of Blame Game

By Jill Edelman . 6:55 am

Often, a “discussion” of relationship problems is in reality a “hot potato of blame game”. Each partner assumes a familiar stance based on notions that they  know what their partner is thinking and are therefore prepared to pull out an arsenal of phrases tailored to protect themselves from “blame” and designed to provide “evidence” that the other is at fault.

This exercise in futility, at best, and hostility at worst, is presented by the couple as a legitimate effort to work out problems. In fact, it is the opposite. Instead it is what I describe as the parallel play blame game, a destructive and alienating game that mimics conversation but is more military in nature. Very young children happily play solo games in one another’s company. This is referred to as “parallel play”. In fact, there is little actual exchange and often limited interaction, all of which are age appropriate. Likewise, a couple may share a common space, seemingly “exchanging” ideas but in fact are engaged in solo play, but a far more destructive form, the blame game. That is the game of repeating stock phrases designed to prove that the other is “wrong”, winging accusations at each other and dodging the same.  Here too there is no real exchange. Winning is being blameless and “right”.

As the therapist my job is to interrupt this game of folly, point out its abysmal track record,  mistaken beliefs and assumptions and introduce the concept of “inquiry”, an honest exercise in discovery which allows each partner to wonder and learn about what the other really thinks and feels. “Why assume that I know what lies beneath the hurtful phrases and behaviors.  Perhaps I can learn something about my feelings and my partner’s that I didn’t know before.”  Once the hot potato  of blame is set aside,  legitimate exchange can begin.

©jill edelman, L.C.S.W. M.S.W.

Uncategorized

Enjoyed it? Share this article on

About Jill Edelman

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Categories

Recent Posts

  • The Pandemic Coupledom 2021: Reinventing the Meaning of Us
  • Pandemic Wisdom For The Coupledom: The Chance To Be Swaddled Again
  • Coupledom Crossroads: Empty Nesting in the Age of Netflix

Most Popular Blogs

The Passive-Aggressive Punch: The Silent Code of Anger In The Coupledom

Bully Wives? Yes, But They Don’t Know It.

Can You Say No To A Narcissist? Co-Narcissism and The Coupledom

Follow Me

This Crazy Quilt: Parenting Adult Special Needs One Day At A Time


Follow @couplestoolkit

Subscribe to The Couples Toolkit Newsletter
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Related Posts
The Pandemic Coupledom 2021: Reinventing the Meaning of Us

The Pandemic Coupledom 2021: Reinventing the Meaning of Us

Pandemic Wisdom For The Coupledom: The Chance To Be Swaddled Again

Pandemic Wisdom For The Coupledom: The Chance To Be Swaddled Again

Coupledom Crossroads: Empty Nesting in the Age of Netflix

Coupledom Crossroads: Empty Nesting in the Age of Netflix

Read More Posts

 

The Couples Toolkit
Icon
Contact Info
Call: (203) 984-1517
Email: jill@thecouplestoolkit.com

Icon
Office Address
9 Shady Lane,
Redding, CT 06896
Icon
Office Hours
Flexible – In person, Phone, Zoom or FaceTime Sessions.

Facebook Twitter

The Couple's Toolkit © Website Design & Development by SHJ and Omaginarium