• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
The Couples Toolkit Logo
  • Home
  • About
  • Services
    • Family Therapy
    • Couples Therapy
    • Uncoupling
    • Individual Therapy
    • Grief and Loss Counseling
    • Children of Divorce, Young and Adult
    • Transitions in The Coupledom
    • Empty Nest Couples Counseling
  • Blog
  • Parenting Adult Special Needs
  • FAQs
  • Contact
  • Show Search
The Couples Toolkit
Hide Search

Blogs

Aiming high to achieve what matters most: Connection; Communication and Mutual Respect

All About Me: 9-26-11

All About Me: 9-26-11

By Jill Edelman . 09/26/2011

Yes Indeed: It is almost 6 P.M. and today has been all about me. Well, almost. Our daughter had her Day Service Options (DSO) program at Ability Beyond Disability where they do a variety of social activities. And though I put in a call to her cell a half hour ago, she did not pick up. Aside from working, which hopefully is mostly about others, and straining to pull our taxes together and send out to the accountant (we always file an extension as we are self-employed and need lots of time to procrastinate), I spent the bulk of the day on an outing with two girlfriends. We ate, we went to an art gallery, and now I am about to meet up with my book club for our annual dining out together dinner.

Not All About Me: Though dining out with my book club sounds like a strictly all about me event, it is actually an extension of my mothering. Twenty-two years ago this coming January, I joined a baby group. A year into the baby group, I suggested we add another dimension to our focus, a book club. We call it, brilliantly, “The Mothers Group” book club. For twenty-one years this January we have been taking out books from The Mark Twain Library (our town library, founded by the eponymous Mark who graced our woods by living and dying here the last two years of his prolific life). As a member of this baby group, which met weekly, our daughter’s development was seen against a backdrop of at least eight other babies over her first years. And through that filter I was able to see some striking differences in her milestones and those of her peers. Frankly, the whole process, initially wonderful, became brutally painful. Yes other kids have some speech delays, but across the board, our daughter lagged. It made baby group, and frankly book club, less than joyful, though I love to read, valued these women, and was fond of their children.

Celebration: Now two of these women are grandmothers and tonight’s dinner, in part, is to celebrate the second of the grandmother events. Of course, the offspring who are parents now are from their older children, not the twenty-one year olds, soon to be twenty-two, whom we share in common. For years, much of the content of the chatter amongst “the mothers” was painful for me as their kids’ achievements were acknowledged and challenges supported. They shared play dates, coaches and socials. No one had a child like mine. No one does to this day. I have stayed in this group for almost twenty-two years and of course the bonds are significant. But the disconnect is as well. My child did not socialize with their children after the age of 3. The discrepancies between abilities were too significant. And though a couple of the moms tried to reach out and invite our daughter to events and even barter baby-sitting in one case, mostly I felt alone. And protective of my daughter.

The Past Is The Past: There are a lot of clichés I don’t like and this is one of them. The past mixes the drinks of our present. Yet, so much has changed. Our daughter is happy. As we in book club are aging out or about too — one member has actually retired — the children are dispersed and their successes and achievements are shared with each month’s meeting. I am not in pain anymore. And the differences don’t matter either. But what a hell of a journey. Actually just writing this makes me feel that knot in my throat. No one meant to be cruel, or insensitive or clueless or oblivious. Yet, it feels like that when you are the parent of a special needs child who spends time in the company of the normals. Our book club is an unusual group. No one has divorced. One woman was widowed fairly young. I am the oldest mom. And this is a steady, sturdy bunch of employed, educated women who range from the helping professions to education to the arts. But what separated me from them was only one thing. They all had fairly normal children who had brought us together initially and I did not (though my other child fit that bill nicely).

Forgotten Or Forgiven: We are celebrating many things tonight: one lady’s retirement (though she can’t make it, too retired), another’s opening of a new business, and the new grandma. And I think everyone will celebrate our daughter’s new adult life. The past is the present forgotten or forgiven. I don’t forget but I forgive, especially when no one means to hurt. It is just the journey and now really, it is over, that part anyway.

©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., 2011

Parenting Adult Special Needs: One Day At A Time, Special Needs, Special Needs Parents

Enjoyed it? Share this article on

About Jill Edelman

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. Jennifer Soodek says

    09/26/2011 at 11:41 pm

    So honest and beautifully expressed.
    Thanks for sharing so much of yourself.

    Reply
    • jilledelmanlcsw says

      09/27/2011 at 9:03 am

      Jennifer, I appreciate words greatly.

      Reply
  2. Florence kraut says

    09/27/2011 at 11:46 am

    Jill this is another touching and honest essay. Aldo beautifully written. Submit it for a larger audience. I have some thoughts. Love you. Jill

    Reply
    • jilledelmanlcsw says

      09/27/2011 at 11:53 am

      Cherish the compliment from one writes and knows the feeling world too. Love you a lot. when can we dine? Oh seeing you Saturday

      Reply
  3. carole says

    04/09/2012 at 1:55 pm

    As a fellow member of the mothers group I admire how brave you were to keep on coming to the group.I’m afraid when my eldest child 6 years older than yours developed mental illness I found it too hard.

    Reply
    • jilledelmanlcsw says

      04/09/2012 at 7:37 pm

      We all have different forms of “brave.” I know what your “brave” is and how fierce you are in learning all you can to help your son. And help others. Brave indeed! Brava to you.

      Reply

Trackbacks

  1. Shining Boots, Shifting Staff and Book Clubs: 9-25-12 « The Couples Tool Kit says:
    09/27/2012 at 5:49 pm

    […] Book Clubs: And finally the book club suggested by our daughter to her day services programmers, not six months ago, is a mainstay of the day program for several of the attendees. And for the mom, the “mother’s group book club” that I have been a member of since our daughter’s first months of life (almost 23 years now) held our September dinner Monday night coincidentally at the same restaurant we attended a year almost to the day when I published my post: All About Me: 9-26-12. […]

    Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Categories

  • 9/11
  • Addiction
  • Admit Imperfection
  • Adult Children of Divorce
  • Aging
  • Betrayal
  • Blended Families
  • Children
  • Communication
  • Conflict
  • couples therapy
  • Denial
  • Depression
  • Developmental Disorders
  • Differences
  • Divorce
  • emotions
  • Envy
  • Grief
  • Have That Conversation
  • Holiday Pressures
  • Holiday Toolkit
  • Holidays
  • Infidelity
  • Intimacy
  • Jealousy
  • Listening
  • Look and Words
  • Loss
  • Lying
  • Menopause
  • Mental Illness
  • Most Popular
  • Narcissim
  • online dating
  • Pandemic
  • Parenting
  • Parenting Adult Special Needs: One Day At A Time
  • passive-aggressive
  • Personality Styles and Disorders
  • Reactions
  • Religious Choices
  • Role of Denial in the Coupledom
  • Separation
  • Sex and Intimacy
  • Sexual Assault
  • Sexual Orientation
  • Shared Life
  • Sibling Order
  • Similar Vision
  • Special Needs
  • Special Needs Parents
  • The Coupledom
  • The Senior Coupledom
  • The Singledom
  • Third Option
  • Tiger's Tale
  • Tools
  • Triangle Traps
  • Truth as a Trust Builder
  • Truth Takes Courage
  • Uncategorized
  • Viable Relationship

Recent Posts

  • The Pandemic Coupledom 2021: Reinventing the Meaning of Us
  • Pandemic Wisdom For The Coupledom: The Chance To Be Swaddled Again
  • Coupledom Crossroads: Empty Nesting in the Age of Netflix
  • The Hot Potato of Blame Game
  • Humor in Couples Therapy

Most Popular Blogs

The Passive-Aggressive Punch: The Silent Code of Anger In The Coupledom

Bully Wives? Yes, But They Don’t Know It.

Can You Say No To A Narcissist? Co-Narcissism and The Coupledom

Follow Me

This Crazy Quilt: Parenting Adult Special Needs One Day At A Time


Follow @couplestoolkit

Subscribe to The Couples Toolkit Newsletter
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Related Posts
The Pandemic Coupledom 2021: Reinventing the Meaning of Us

The Pandemic Coupledom 2021: Reinventing the Meaning of Us

Pandemic Wisdom For The Coupledom: The Chance To Be Swaddled Again

Pandemic Wisdom For The Coupledom: The Chance To Be Swaddled Again

Coupledom Crossroads: Empty Nesting in the Age of Netflix

Coupledom Crossroads: Empty Nesting in the Age of Netflix

Read More Posts
The Couples Toolkit
Icon
Contact Info
Call: (203) 984-1517
Email: jill@thecouplestoolkit.com

Icon
Office Address
9 Shady Lane,
Redding, CT 06896
Icon
Office Hours
Flexible – In person, Phone, Zoom or FaceTime Sessions.

Facebook Twitter

The Couple's Toolkit © Website Design & Development by SHJ and Omaginarium