The Couples Tool Kit
Working together as a team of three — by Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., Specialist in Couples TherapyArchive for The Coupledom
Recognizing The Co-Narcissism In Your Coupledom
Watch Your Step: Couples relationships incorporate a complex interplay of behaviors and emotions that are products of the unspoken but powerful contract that provides a substructure of the shared life. There can be many substructures that compose the foundation of the attachment, some healthy and sustaining, such as common values and passions, others harmful and erosive to the bond. And one of the most harmful is the dance of co-narcissism…the “watch your step” or you may step on a crack that will break your partner’s trust and shatter, in a nanosecond, the fragile links holding the bond together. This is also described by many as the quality of “walking on egg shells” or “tip toeing around someone.”
The Beast Of Narcissistic Vulnerability In All Of Us: For some couples, the role of co-narcissist is fixed and rigid. The co-narcissistic partner is valued by the other as long as they satisfy their partner’s spoken and unspoken needs at the expense of their own individuality and emotional reality. The co-narcissist has been trained in childhood to subsume their identity into the folds of a parent’s needs, their day-to-day security in the “loving” parental bosom is only as good as their ability to mirror that parent’s greatness, goodness, talent, beauty, genius, or perfection in all things including parenting. By the time these youngsters reach adulthood, integrated into their psychological DNA is a finely attuned vigilance to another’s needs, along the lines of a lady’s maid or his lordship’s obedient servant, whose survival rests on anticipating and gratifying the lord’s or lady’s every whim. If they fail at their task, the beast dwelling within the seemingly normal human facade breaks out and roars, whines, whimpers, accuses, withholds or withdraws, with the taint of unworthiness, incompetence or cruelty smeared all over their partner’s character and self-image. In some Coupledoms, these roles are fixed. But in most Coupledoms, individuals take turns playing the parts, depending on a lot of variables including context, trauma, age, illness, loss and failure.
Owning The Narcissist Within: A surefire method to protect your Coupledom from Invasive Narcissistic Couples’ Disorder (my term), a virulent destroyer of mutual love and respect, is to own the narcissistic inclinations and attitudes within you. Most of us are replete in narcissistic habits of thinking, behaving and feeling. And a closer scrutiny of our tenaciously held belief systems in relationships will reveal some of the most toxic/self-absorbed, narcissistic ones. With an open mind and honest examination of self, matched by a willingness to hear how your partner experiences you, owning your narcissist within can save a whole marriage. Wow!
The Defensive You: What makes us all so defensive in exchanges with our partners about our “imperfections” is that we think any correction, suggestion or complaint, means we are all bad, all defective, failures at being lovable. So we bark, and balk about any single “criticism” or attack the other, feeling righteous and victimized. Oops, normal but not good and too much of it is creates long-term damage. Defensive responses, such as “I don’t do that but you do” (“turning the tables on the other” or “blame the victim”, familiar maneuvers to us all) or “I am never good enough.” Or “there is always something, I can never please you” can often be the narcissist in us speaking. Catch your defensiveness and you will find fearfulness, the threat that lurks beneath it and is based on very young notions that “I have to be perfect or I am unlovable, shameful or bad.” Change that nine-year old thinking and voila you have graduated middle school, skipped high school and now are an adult! At last.
Owning The Co-Narcissist Within: Alternatively, even as you are narcissistic at times, you may also be the one tiptoeing around on some issues or during particular stages of your relationship with your partner. Areas of discussion that are taboo are often indicative of co-narcissistic moments. A partner who won’t bring up a critical topic with their spouse ever, for fear that they will be perceived as having broken an unspoken vow, or being seen as an enemy, may often throw someone else under the bus as a consequence. Perhaps it concerns a child or parents, or the partner themselves, yet the threat of being perceived as hurtful or untrustworthy impairs judgment and impacts unfairly another, maybe you or your child. This could be around a spouse’s job loss, an illness, an addiction, or a sexual disappointment. If you notice that you are hyper-vigilant and micromanaging others, children particularly, around your spouse at certain times, you need to uncover the belief system behind these feelings, haul it out and question what you are doing, the ramifications for all, and make different choices, perhaps with help. This can be crucial to you, your marriage and your family.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder: Then there are those folks who suffer from and suffer others with their “Narcissistic Personality Disorder” which is vividly described in an article by Gudrun Zomerland, MFT, who is adept at capturing both how co-narcissists and narcissists come into being, and their impact on the Coupledom. The disorder, in its most severe form, is very hard to treat. Someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) often finds individual or couples therapy terribly threatening due to a mostly unconscious fear that others may see their “imperfections or flaws.” This possibility threatens to reveal their big secret, that they are in fact worthless, unlovable and shameful souls. Do they know that? Are these feelings so camouflaged by their opposite – self-love, self-importance, self-absorption and an inability to have empathy or interest in anyone who isn’t serving their needs – that even they don’t know what lies within their hearts? I don’t have the answer. Some may suspect and others may even give life to those feelings, but often that is just a fleeting moment before they fall back on their defensive, narcissistic posture.
The “N” Word: Villainizing Your Partner Or Your Ex: Writing this piece is a bit worrisome to me for fear folks may use it destructively. I have observed a trend in recent years where angry partners slam each other with the “N” word, making it more a weapon than a description of behavior or attitude. And ultimately weakening its usefulness. This piece is an attempt to elevate a conversation between two parties who share a relationship where each can own their “N” or “Co-N” piece without shame and ultimately mature together in the process. I work with couples that come into therapy convinced in their belief that the other wants to demean them or put them down, only to find out that in fact, this is not the case. This “narcissistic vulnerability” makes them view a partner’s initial attempts to describe the other’s impact on them, or some minor correction, as something personally threatening and ultimately so mangled and distorted in their personal viewfinder that instead of understanding, suspicion and distrust ensue. Particular subjects, such as parenting for women, and earning power for men, sexual appeal or ability for both, are sensitive spots and therefore are viewed as a personal attack, insult or assault. Finding out that this is not the case, that there are two people in the relationship which introduces multiple possibilities, reactions, beliefs and styles, liberates everyone to be able to trust again, grow up and become a much healthier, satisfied and happy Coupledom.
Help: This is work, wonderful work. For the therapist and for the couple who strip themselves of archaic belief systems which cripple trust and begin to embark on a real bonding based on honest self-reflection and empathy for another. Get an expert to help you do this very important work. Everyone benefits, the individual, the couple and the family.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
Illness and Loss In The Coupledom: Reality Shifts
Loss: I had loss on my mind this week. In fact, I always do but this week a family member shared her profound sadness upon learning of the tragic death of a very dear friend in the “prime of life.” She asked if I had written on loss and grief specific to The Coupledom and I thought: there are so many losses, in so many ways. And so I began to compose this post. Coincidentally, Sunday’s New York Times had two articles on loss as well, which gave language to a new form of secular communal grieving in one piece and the concept of “ambiguous loss” in the other. Both speak to the variety of loss, its power and the need for comfort in a never ending human struggle that marks our Coupledoms, as well as our persons, as mortal.
Chronic: Loss of a spouse or partner from a degenerative disorder is perhaps one of the most debilitating for the Coupledom, as subtle changes in the climate of the relationship may be felt long before a diagnosis is rendered. A kind of tension has tinged the emotional airways. Someone who formerly enjoyed socializing seems disinclined to attend parties or movies, traveling to foreign ports or sharing the T.V. remote. “Set in his/her ways” may not truly reveal the whole picture. A hint of moodiness is sniffed in the air, or a spark of anger more intense than previously seen, is easily triggered. Inflexible positions are taken on how to spend money, or when to visit the relatives. A sharp powerful mind seems a bit clouded. The changes are subtle at first and irritating. Then mobility issues or marked forgetfulness are noticed, initially attributed to over-exercising or mild senioritis. But with time and visits to the internist and finally a neurologist, a diagnosis emerges, and The Coupledom shifts with a powerful jolt. Someone is becoming a caretaker, and someone else is losing their edge. This is a slow crawl with pockets of loss all along the way. And grief.
No Shame: Many today know this kind of loss where the person is still with you but their character is changing along with their body; an ambiguous loss, not a death but a dying off of the familiar attributes of the beloved and the consequent shift in the role of the partner. Can the couple talk about these changes, these losses, locate something new that can replace what is being lost? Yes, but typically the healthy spouse doesn’t want to burden their partner with their pain, sadness or weariness. Extended families are important and friends who need to validate the grieving process with reality, not with false hope, denial or disapproval when faced with the anger, annoyance or frustration of the caregiver. The caregiver needs support and is at high risk for developing their own illnesses due to the stresses of carrying the banner of the relationship, filling two pair of shoes to maintain the shared life. For the caregiver, there should be no shame in wishing that they were free to live their former lives, no shame in leaving their partner in the hands of someone else so that they can touch base with essential pieces of their personal reality. This is necessary and if not gratified, depression and illness might ensue, complicating an already challenging time.
Grief Is A Shared Reality: A Coupledom faced with a slow and steady loss can grieve some of this together. Though memories are fading for one, the steady reflections of the other offer up opportunities to shed some tears or share some laughs together. Why not? Pretending that all is the same protects no one and stresses everyone. Loss is normal, human and provides moments where the depth of the bond can be acknowledged by the shared pain of its changes and losses for both partners. There is no ambiguity in grieving together what is lost.
Acute: The sudden onset of a terminal illness by one member of The Coupledom freezes time like nothing else. There was pre-diagnosis life and post-diagnosis life and they have little in common. Time and energy spent on treatments dominate daily life and interpersonal transactions for the couple. Other family members, children and parents, need care and protection from overwhelming fears and distractions so they can get on with their lives while the fight for health unfolds. But as the illness progresses, or the treatments take their toll, losses are already occurring. Mom and wife, father and husband, daughter or son, look different, act different and can’t quite muster their characteristic oomph or interest in the lives of their loved ones. Patients of mine, whose parents became ill while they were still in the throes of their childhood, poignantly describe these losses but often with the caveat that the adults around them never acknowledged the reality of what was being lost. Grieving was put aside as if to protect the “innocent.” Sadly. For both spouse and children, sadness and loss need language even as hope is still in the picture. However long the journey, the button of emotional expression should not be on mute, in The Coupledom or with other family. Again, the depth of the bond is revealed and nourished in the moments of shared grieving. These moments remembered when the loved one is gone can ease the pain because of what was shared with them along the way: something real, mutual and honest.
Unexpected Loss: Tragic unexpected death is the ultimate “blind-sided” experience. Rips open the heart and leaves speechless the surviving partner. The staggering impossibility. Shock and groping. What makes this experience so bafflingly cruel is the absence of preparation, no file in the emotional cabinet for this loss. Blankness and blindness, and the person who might provide the light to find the way is the one who is gone. Here is where the community of family and friends need to wrap themselves around the naked survivor who has no map for this experience. No map at all. Each day, in ways that match the needs of the widowed, a path of small steps is sketched in, a new reality slowly traced out alongside the grieving process. The personal identity that the partnership formerly provided is overthrown in a moment and something new that identifies “me” has to be born, over time, with the support and love of others. This will take time. Yesterday I was a wife, a husband, a lover. Today I am a widow, a widower, alone.
Small steps: Each day, baby steps mark the way towards a tolerable reality. Unexpected loss strips the survivor of their confidence in the predictability of life and this can be quite debilitating. Rebuilding a trust in the everyday world might take some professional help as well as the passage of time. Time is a paradox in loss. It is time whose excruciating tred moves so slowly along in the grieving process and yet it is time whose gentle hand can be so healing.
Our Coupledom Life: When we sign on for the shared life, written in invisible ink along the margins of the contract to love another is the profound truth: one of our twosome will depart first. Does that keep us from love? Hardly. Loss is life’s most consistent theme. If you need a hand to guide you when you are faced with the unfathomable, seek out family, friends or experts. Don’t totter alone. This deepest of all human emotions needs company.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
Aftermath: Cleaning Up The Coupledom’s Holiday Mess
What Was Your Holiday Like? I counted three holiday disasters in my caseload prior to New Year’s and I expect reports of more in the coming days. Disaster may be too strong a word since I believe most “messes” can be worked on and cleaned up with help. Hence the post. But holiday pressure puts many a Coupledom in a strained position and themes that run through the relationship the previous 11 months of the calendar year, contained by avoidance and “under the rug” strategies, can burst forth like hurricane floods breaching an heretofore damaged but still holding levee, drowning folk in emotional waves of pain, convulsing The Coupledom in ultimatums, ugly exchanges and fear.
Rescue on The Way: Does it take a crew from FEMA to save this Coupledom? If so, we are in trouble. Nope, it just takes recognition that opportunity is knocking. What emerges in the early morning hours of the holiday debacle is the harsh light of reality. “We have some problems here.” The husband who drinks through the holiday, insulting friends and family, despite attempts to keep him rested and out-of-the-way, should not receive a reprieve or a pardon but an intervention based on the “reality” that “our family or marriage” is at risk, not just one or two weekends a year but daily. Tough to do but perhaps the “sober” spouse can seek out an expert on substance and alcohol abuse and explore possibilities and strategies in the company of someone who has experience rather than rely on magical thinking that a heart-to-heart between spouses will make next year’s holiday better. Interventions, or however one wishes to describe the sharp cut of reality introduced to an in-denial addicted partner, are impossible to do alone. “Process” is key here, process for the sober spouse and family over time with an expert to examine options, build courage and know that alone this is not doable. Addiction is hardwired and only those who have trained in the practice of addiction treatment should be the sort to help the family unravel the ball of poison and pain that has invaded its heart and harmed its members. Do it sooner than later, not because of the holiday mess but armed with the wake-up call it provided.
Disappointing Partners: Two components of Western holiday culture place pressure and can wreak havoc on The Coupledom: the exchange of gifts and the New Year’s Eve Kiss. We are taught shortly after birth the notion that Christmas is when one is rewarded for being good all year by the perfect gift(s) from significant others. (Hanukkah is a different story but culturally has had to cope with the Christmas culture, though never perhaps with the same “reward” notion.) It starts with mom and dad, or Santa, depending on family folklore, bestowing the gift of your dreams, wrapped in love and affirmation of what a good boy/girl you have been these last twelve months. That gift or gifts, (depending on whether quality or quantity are the family measure of reward) can become symbols of such magnitude that if disappointing in one characteristic or another, or by their absence (no gift? possible? yes) the aftermath registers an 8.5 on the Richter scale of Coupledom quakes.
The Child In Each Of Us: Is it the child in us who is crushed when a gift seems to reflect “not being known” by a spouse? Is it the child in us whose eyes lose their light when, after unwrapping the promising box, a sweater in just the wrong color or size emerges: “How could he? He knows I hate green. What, he thinks I’m a large?” Is the pressure of choosing just the right gift greater this year because the marriage is shaky, the stakes so high that paralysis sets in and nothing is purchased, no package rests under the tree? I have written before about spouses who have been assailed as unloving, uncaring and “out to lunch” because of gift choices. About partners, who become so fearful of another onslaught of accusations of cruelty and selfishness, leaving them swimming in guilt and incompetence, staggered by the force of the attack, that they resort to gift buying clichés such as flowers, or candy, or nothing. Under the Christmas tree or in the not so warm glow of the menorah, marriage themes that lie dormant the previous eleven months fly out like bats from a darkened cave to descend upon The Coupledom, whipping their wings, casting eleven months of magical thinking and avoidance asunder.
Separating Child From Elder: Who is at the controls here? The child inside us who dreams eternal of the perfect holiday of love and reward, of being known and affirmed? Or the elder who is no longer dependent on fairy tales come true to feel good, loved and important? Holidays can regress us to the child because in many ways, they are for the child, at least in our Western materialistic culture. Separating the disappointed child in us from the realistic adult takes some doing, but is necessary. Our spouses are not perfect, nor are our holidays. But they do offer an opportunity to address the patterns in The Coupledom that need attention. Opportunity knocks – let her in.
As The Ball Drops, Does The Kiss Drop Too? Next to Valentine’s Day and our Wedding Day, New Year’s Eve probably ranks as the third most romantic potential of the year for The Coupledom. Do you see what I see? A blinking red sign…stop, beware, danger ahead. The wallflower symbol par excellence when I was a young adult was to be spending New Year’s without a “date.” No one to wrap the champagne glasses around for that ultimate smooch. For the grownup Coupledom, facing a New Year with someone with whom you have “issues” can intensify the pressures, provoke some bad behaviors, such as over-imbibing or flirting with a stranger, and culminate in ugly exchanges. The bad ending to a tough year can be another super alert that this Coupledom needs to do some fact-facing. Opportunity knocks once again to pick up the shards of a shattered New Year’s and look for help, together.
Religion: Religious intermarriage is often on the rails during holiday time if spouses are in conflict about observances or feel disloyal to families of origin because they are not following family ritual. A menorah and a Christmas tree sit beside one another but attending midnight mass may seem over the top. Feelings of guilt for not honoring one’s family traditions, or embracing another’s, might cause one partner to be less than enthusiastic about joining in the rituals of their spouse, though agreement was reached years earlier as to what religious direction to take for the children. Here again, smoldering embers alight into flames during the holidays. Respecting that one’s partner might be uncomfortable, in spite of previous decisions, is a loving and generous attitude that can go a long way towards strengthening the bond. It is not easy forsaking aspects of one’s roots when the season is upon us. Anger or distrust are not the solutions. Empathy without judgment is the path.
Resolution 2012: Neither professionally nor personally do I tend toward once-a-year resolutions. I am a “process your stuff daily” oriented clinician/person so I cannot offer a list of Coupledom resolutions without cringing. My bias is more towards raising up the mirror of holiday misadventure as a suggestive pathway for The Coupledom to follow towards improvement, with the help of a specialist when the issues are significantly thorny and foreboding. The heart-to-heart, the “lets make a resolution to never,” the forgiveness again…well, that’s just not good enough. Take The Coupledom to that third place, where someone who is expert in “process” and strategy, who has no investment in either magical thinking, denial or tea leaves can guide you along a path of reality, courage and skill-building. It takes a lot of skill to run a Coupledom successfully.
My New Year’s Wish To You All: Be courageous, choose honesty, seek out help when indicated! And please pardon my preachy tone.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012
Free Holiday Gifts
As the holidays consume our time and attention, I suspect reading blogs will fall down on the “to do” list. But just in case you have a moment now or after the Times Square Ball drops us into 2012, take a peek at the contents page of The Couples Tool Kit. Or dip into the “search” category.
I have been posting on couples’ relationships for over two years with topics covering a broad area. There is a post dealing with weight gain in The Coupledom; a post about depression as the secret menace; the passive-aggressive punch that unhinges many a Coupledom; the plethora of narcissistic challenges from spouses, in-laws and parents; divorce and ex-laws; divorce and children; singledom blues; gift giving; sex – a powerful absence; women frightened and men not listening; infidelity; education of children, a needed Coupledom priority; having gay, Muslim, Hasidic, or transgender children; bullying wives; dreams as a tool with which to communicate in marriage; myths in marriage; adopted adults adopting; the art of listening to each other; denial and addiction in The Coupledom.
Many more posts but I think my message is clear. These are my gifts to you for the holiday. Sounds presumptuous? Perhaps, but they are also free.
Merry and Happy Everything to you all. I will be back with both a Coupledom piece and a Parenting Adult Special Needs post immediately after New Years.
Hanukkah is here… Christmas is coming… Don’t miss these posts from The Holiday Toolkit
The holidays are upon us, and with them, the potential for stressful times for The Coupledom. Whether we are talking about Christmas, Easter, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa, Passover, Ramadan, Valentines Day or just making resolutions on New Years Day, these posts have been popular in the past and offer useful insights, particularly at this time of the year. If you haven’t read them, or even if you have, it might be a good time for a bit of a refresher course:
The Divorce Survival ToolKit for Children of All Ages
Divorced: Now What To Do With The Ex-Laws?
Holiday Mayhem for the Coupledom?
ToolKit of New Years Vows for Relationship 2010
The Narcissist’s Stocking Stuffer: A Coupledom Alert
Valentine’s Day and The Coupledom: Is This a Test?
Who Listens? Let It Be Your Coupledom
Telling Stories: Someone asked a psychiatrist ‘How can you listen to people talk about their problems all day.’ Comedic pause. Psychiatrist: ‘Who listens?’ Of course many of you may have anecdotes or evidence that validates that ironic response but one could insert husband and wife or wife and husband, in any particular order, and make a similar joke. Ironic, chronic and common. Who does listen, after a while, or over the years, to their partner’s stories? We all recall that first date where all you did was listen, fascinated, or told your story, feeling seen and “heard.” The loss of the art of storytelling, sharing stories, and hearing stories is the theme of an alarming and alerting article from Sunday’s New York Times by Henning Mankell, Swedish author of the Wallender Books. Mr. Mankell captures the vibrancy of the African world of storytelling, with his answer to the parable, ‘Why do we have two ears and only one tongue?’: ‘Probably so we have to listen twice as much as speak…In Africa, listening is a guiding principle.’ And I think, so should it be in The Coupledom.
Repetition or Meaning? How do we listen? For information or meaning? Or knowledge, which Mr. Mankell defines as the interpretation of information. In my work as a psychotherapist, I see my job primarily as listening for understanding, interpretation and translation: translating back to the couple or individual, translating one partner’s meaning to the other. Though probably not a perfect listener myself in everyday life, the power of listening, which my profession has taught me, makes Mr. Mankell’s article hit home. There is no irrelevance, no unworthy repetition in storytelling in my work. Patients often ask me, ‘Have I already told you this?’ My answer, ‘Tell me again. The interpretation may be different this time. Your need to tell it alone makes it worthy of being listened to.”
Linear, and Reductionist: The author points to the non-linear aspects of African storytelling, moving from past to present, back to past, without the restrictions of a set chronology, similar to the works of South American writers such as Gabriel Garcia Marquez, who transformed Western thinking about the modern novel. In this view, telling a story already told is not repetition…the time is different now, the context, the moment. Weaving together past and present, what we may be communicating to our partners is non-linear. Emotion is non-linear. Present reactions have roots in our past, non-linear. And love is non-linear. Do we love more over time, less, more today, less tomorrow, back and forth, with more complexity? Do we see our partners in layers, colors and tones, via authentic listening? Or do we substitute a reductionist approach, our projections and beliefs based more on personal fears and long-held ideas, because we are not truly listening to the other’s stories? Instead our partner has become stereotyped, a series of unflattering adjectives, paper doll flat, no hues, restricted colorations, and shallow as a washboard. How does that happen? Someone is neither taking the time for nor learning the art of “listening.” Rodgers and Hammerstein got it: it is all about “Getting To Know You.”
Time and Loss: Yes, we all are bored hearing how fast-paced our culture has become, technology succeeding in both shrinking our world while simultaneously expanding it, where texting stands in for conversation, and tweeting is viewed as real news. I am a compulsive communicator and relish the ease and immediacy of connectedness but as one who loves stories, reading them, hearing them, and telling them, I grieve the loss or perhaps just the illusion of loss: of folks in rockers at dusk on porches telling stories of the days’ activities, memories of childhood, strange or funny incidents observed in work rooms, classrooms, barnyards, street corners, stores and subway stations, mindless of the passage of time. Stories told for the sheer purpose and process of the telling, the sharing, the schmoozing. Time allotted for long tales with seemingly useless “real” information, chit-chat, or anecdotal details of the days’ accumulation, is often viewed today as wasteful, non-productive, in the way of running a household, raising children and making a living. Ah, but here is the rub. If the storytelling partner is cut off from the telling of the story, then the knowledge of the other offered up in the tale is cut. Cut, blocked, unheard. “Time constraints” trump traveling somewhere else, together, with words, in the moment. Oddly, we are happy to go to the movies, or watch weeks and weeks of an HBO or Showtime series, but sitting and listening to a story of our partner’s making, low-budget as it is? Nope, no time for that.
Projection: Projection is another reductionist format where the listener doesn’t listen because they believe they know where their partner’s story is going…and often the direction, as projected by the listener, is not a good one. So they block the telling, or turn off the listening, rather than follow the storyline, curious and interested in its meaning for the storyteller. “I’ve heard this before.” Really? Before is a different time, era and perhaps meaning. Why is my partner telling this story now? A fishing or golf tale, a presentation gone wrong, a game played in childhood, a remembrance of an old teacher, a beloved counselor, a broken doll or a wounded puppy…simple sharing has huge merit which couples often miss. A tense and alienated Coupledom perceives each new tale as a potential threat, designed to support a position, rather than simply a communication: know me, or let me entertain you or express something about me to you. Not a weapon but an exchange. Maybe even a gift.
Simplification: The third great story-buster is simplification. This goes along with linear and reductionist thinking. And projection. That our partner’s stories or anecdotes are designed to fit into limited numbers of categories or files that support our belief system. Perhaps seen as designed to self-enhance, win a competition, a self-righteous justification, a put down, hot air, or a signal of betrayal or, worse yet, simply boring because it is out of our range of interest, rather than any number of other possibilities. My observation is that human beings have two conflicting tendencies when called upon to assess ambiguous data: one is to believe too much in the productions and conclusions of our minds, cutting off other possibilities as silly or manufactured; the other is to believe too little in the same and seek “reality” from the outside. There is a third possibility, to be curious, listen, and trust that real understanding and knowledge will emerge. Two ears, one tongue.
How To Listen and Why: Husband and wife meet over the kitchen counter at the end of a long day. Dinner is in the works; kids are doing or not doing homework, sitting at computers or playing video games. Parents’ eyes meet and greet. What next? What happens at the moment of re-entry when the day’s business brings you back together? Time, projection and simplification are busily influencing our awareness. “No time.” Every couple in trouble tells me there is just no time. To share the contents of their minds. To tell their stories. To deepen the knowledge of the other. To become better known to the other. No time. Really? Honestly, it doesn’t take that much time if it happens every single day, at some point, not blocked by a conviction that I know everything about him or her already or they never listen to me, why listen to them, or everything else is more important. No perfect moment available for storytelling and listening.
Listening Now: Really? Can you walk to the mailbox together, sharing a story instead of a shopping list? If tales, anecdotes, humorous observations, something read, an unexpected encounter, gossip, moments of hurt, disappointment, failure, success or celebration, are exchanged each day, before someone turns out the light, or flips the channels, while the other listens and learns, then The Coupledom accrues over time a patina, a deepening of color and hue, tone and depth, non-linear, ever evolving without that cheap trick of the mind which tells us that we already know all that we need to know about the other or that what is being said is irrelevant and has no merit. Bothersome. “I’ve heard that story before.” “You tell the same joke over and over.” “I have no idea or interest in his work.” “Why the heck is she telling me this stuff about her book club, her hair dresser’s boyfriend, the neighbor’s dog?” I am frankly appalled when couples tell me they have no idea what their spouse does at work. “He doesn’t like to talk about work.” Recently I asked someone whether their wife, who is in my field, had additional training after receiving her degree. “No idea.” No idea? Did she try to tell him, come home each evening and share anecdotes? Describe interesting cases, difficulty with a supervisor, a new intake, the interpretation of a wild dream? My hunch, you bet. No idea! You mean, no listening!
No Way To Love.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Holiday Toolkit 2011: Divorced: Now What To Do With The Ex-Laws?
While this post isn’t specifically about the holidays, it is all about family relationships and dealing with the “ex-laws” after a divorce – which always shows up as a major factor during holiday season. So we are adding it to the Holiday Toolkit in the hopes that it may just help you survive the most wonderful time of the year.
Today’s post from the Holiday Toolkit:
Excerpt:
Former Mother/Father in Law: Step Children and Step Grand Children: Ex Brothers and Sisters In Law, Ex Nieces and Nephews: Divorce is the highest stress factor in our culture. Breaking up The Coupledom, the family and the household, is excruciating. And then there is the mess it leaves behind in the hearts, minds and pocket books of all involved. One of the groups of people for whom no protocol exists, as they stand outside of legal documentation, is the relational world of The Coupledom; the relatives.
You can read the full post here: Divorced: Now What To Do With The Ex-Laws?
And you can check out the other posts in the Holiday Toolkit here.
The Coupledom Dreams: Using Our Unconscious To Communicate
Talking In Our Sleep: Lying next to each other, so near yet in our own worlds, The Coupledom dreams, every night in fact, during what is called the REM stage of sleep, which amounts to approximately 25% of sleeping time. Yet what do we do with this rich resource of mental activity as a couple? For most, not much. Though science has not agreed upon the purpose of dreaming, as with all human instinctual behavior, there must be a purpose or many purposes. Is it to cleanse the brain of daily clutter? To organize input for memory retrieval at a later date? Or perhaps dreaming serves multiple purposes including integrating meaningful material from the day’s matters with the day’s incidentals plus triggers from personal history, all in the service of the brain’s pressing need to master and solve challenges that befall it, past, present and future. Human beings are problem solvers, our brains are outfitted for just this purpose, whether our conscious minds are awake or asleep, the brain is on a mission.
I Never Dream: You know that old saying, “If I had a dime for every time someone has said to me ‘I never dream’ would I be rich?” Well, perhaps if a dime is a dollar today. In fact many folks who don’t recall their dreams believe that they don’t dream. And often are proud of it. But they do dream and once dreaming receives the “good housekeeping seal of approval” by a psychotherapist, friend or lover, remembered dreams, whether begun as fragments or whole entities, begin to appear, as if newly boxed and shipped from the inner canyons of our psyche. The question here is how can we use these reams of dreams to benefit The Coupledom?
Owning Your Dreams: There is a lot involved in the technique of dream ownership and “practical usage.” The first step is to begin to wonder if you have dreamed during sleep. And I use the phrase “during sleep” loosely to signify that dreams can occur any time; nighttime, nap time, dosing off time, waking up time. Often the best dream fragments are captured as we awake in the morning and that is when we need to snap them up, shards of things, sometimes images, or a story line unfinished. It is a lot like “back tracking” or following footprints in the snow, from the destination reached to the origin of departure. Feeling states upon waking can signal that a dream has preceded wakefulness. Follow the feeling state and often the dream memory returns. But dreams are tricky devils and flee with exposure to light/day/attention. So procure paper and pen, or some phrase or image plucked, and then memorize these fragments to provide the clue to reveal the dream. Once you have attained the status of a “dreamer” then begin to ponder the mystery that is your dream life.
Random or Personal: There is controversy about whether dreams are random brain activity or deep psychic creations fraught with highly charged significance. The latter explanation tends to scare off less psychologically minded souls. But what I am posing here is simply this: dreams are personal creations by individuals whose stories and images are guideposts to self-understanding and can become communications to another. It matters little, in my opinion, whether one chooses mystical meanings, Jungian, Freudian or any number of other takes on how to utilize dream material. Though dreams, as with all human endeavors, have common thematic emphases, some may represent powerlessness and be populated with images of being caught, trapped; others, performance anxiety themes with forgotten lines for a stage performance or the loss of study notes for an impending test triggered by feeling unprepared for something current. Dreams are essentially personal and scripted, accessorized and geographically located by our psyche alone. Therein lies the personal piece. A dream’s design is the exclusive product of our “brain”, ours for the unmasking, ours to ascribe meaning and usefulness. Ours to share.
Wandering Through You: When you do recall a dream or dream fragment, you have received an invitation to visit the unconscious, subconscious you. The dream world says, hey, here are some leftovers from your yesterday that warrant a look. This glimpse at how your brain experienced and mixed up yesterday’s “day residue” can fill you in on what you may not have had time to notice about the emotional meaning of yesterday’s adventures. My approach to dream work is simple: the significance of any dream is what the dreamer, awake, wants to make of it…though Freud and Jung and others explain dreams in formulations that are more prescriptive. I think the pragmatic usefulness to the individual is along the lines of taking one’s temperature and pulse each day: what can I learn about my current condition, my state of mind? What did my psyche choose to scramble together to create this dream and why? What is the emotional tone of the dream? Who are the players, and what about the dream draws on my past and combines it with my present?
Dream Sharing: ”Do you remember any dreams last night?” The Coupledom can offer up this morning inquiry as a linkage to each other’s world, even as one is showering, the other shaving or the kids are stuffing backpacks with lunches and rumpled pieces of last night’s homework. “Oh yeah, I dreamed of a big lion in the living room and he was sitting in dad’s chair.” Follow up later over supper. For the couple, this interest in each other’s dream world creates an avenue to more intimacy. Your spouse may have recurrent dreams of being chased when he or she is under a lot of pressure and by parsing over the dream images, may find relief in venting feelings about work issues and relationships that otherwise would remain buried and isolated from the relationship. The lion in the living room armchair could be a playful moment or a meaningful representation of a child’s take on dad. A dream that everyone showed up for Christmas and the turkey burned in the oven can be a wife’s anxiety of failing, once again, as she felt that she did years ago, to meet parental expectations. Talking about the dream offers her an opportunity to share with her spouse the humiliations of childhood, and allows him to comfort her and offer help as the holiday approaches that he otherwise would not have recognized as needed.
Time Limited And In Our Own Worlds: Human nature dictates that we spend much of our waking hours focused on mastering our challenges whatever they may be, which translates to, we are pretty self-absorbed, all of us. The Coupledom, the domicile in which the relationship resides, can suffer sorely from the self-absorption of its members. Utilizing the product of our dream life is an inherently rich mechanism for communicating what may matter most to our inner selves. Frankly, it only takes a moment. “Hey, guess what I dreamed about last night? I was in a house and outside this giant picture window was the sea and a wave swallowed up the house and I ran and had to leap over roof tops and finally I got to some apartment where my family lived and then I yelled at them, ‘Didn’t you know I was missing for a week! Why didn’t you look for me? No one looked for me!’” (How long did it take to read this, 40 seconds?) What does the dream say about the dreamer’s emotions that day, what inspired the dream and what can the telling of it reveal to the listener? Only the dreamer and their spouse can decide, but what a royal road to deeper understanding of self and other. Intimacy grows only through shared moments and in dream sharing one dips deep into the heart and soul of the self and emerges with a unique gift of communication and connection. Have fun with it. I do.
Caution: Never argue over meaning. If your partner suggests meaning or recalls a forgotten event that might explain a location, object or person appearing in your dream, but one you find disturbing or imposed, don’t fight about it. Just tuck it away, you never know. Our partners know a lot about us, “our stuff” that we don’t always consciously notice or remember. Refrain from using the other’s dreams or your own, as a weapon to fight an interpersonal and unstated cause. You can be passive-aggressive with dreams too. If you have a point to make, make it honestly, not couched in something else. Do not rob the dreamer of their dream. That will rip the potential intimacy right out of that shared moment.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Marital Myths: I Thought I Could Change Him/Her
Chemistry Compromises Clarity: We meet, we spark and we bond. What are the variables that allow folks to desire attaching themselves to someone? Physical attraction is a pretty heady draw but if met with an unappealing personality, a “dud” may not sustain its spark. There are many additional sources of attachment attraction. “We have fun together!” is a popular one. Another endearing but sometimes misleading refrain is “We hung out with the same crowd,” or “All our friends were getting married.” “It seemed like the natural next step.” A personal favorite is “We shared the same values,” often spoken by a couple who actually talked about important life issues before uttering marriage vows. The opposites attract motif, nowadays referred to as the Yin-Yang of choices, draws on the allure of difference, the exotic, the intrigue of mystery, of “otherness” which can serve well to broaden our thinking, our worldliness and tolerance. Or it may simply imply extrovert/introvert, a very popular duo, one the outgoing life of the party; the other, shy, more socially cautious and both benefiting from the other’s style, when that dyad works well.
Sameness: On the other side of the attraction coin is the couple that relishes “sameness.” Similar religious upbringing remains an essential qualification for many Coupledoms. Or alma maters, or shared best friend couples. In combination with physical attraction, this can be a slam dunk for many. Yet sameness can be deceiving when based on just one or two variables or stunting the growth as individuals when relied upon for bonding success.
Psychological Attractions Sneak In: Then there are the subtle messages that sneak in but often don’t get expressed, or even identified until later, much later. These are the psychological attractions, the lure of the knight in shining armor whose unconscious desire is to rescue a damsel in distress. The male or female heart drawn to the role of healing the suffering one: how many nurses in war movies marry their patients? Is it just convenience? Partly, but also the heady pleasure in saving a life or a need to feel powerfully important and crucial to someone’s survival. The adrenaline laced excitement of conquering the player, the flirt, the one no one else could rein in, both affirming one’s power and appeal as well as sexual triumph over competitors. “I won.” Strutting off arm and arm with a trophy that validates superiority, to counter fears of its opposite. Sometimes the very feature that hurt so much in childhood, the aloof and distant manner of an otherwise kind parent can be the very feature that seals the deal in adult mating, the child’s heart unconsciously vowing to change the adult version of the distant parent into someone warm, affirming and adoring.
Chronological & Contextual Based Choices: A plethora of externals jump start bonding such as time running out, the big hand of the biological clock drawing nearer to its last tick, someone going off to war, the “misery loves company” appeal of common professions, shared educational challenges, or just wanting to get out of the parental abode.
Identification & Idealization: Common family histories of dysfunction provide a strong directional toward partner selection. Perhaps identifying with the pain suffered by the other, can form hefty bonds of loyalty and mutual protection, with some couples making wonderfully healthy and conscious choices to be a “different sort of family,” working jointly to accomplish that end. Or the appeal of the older, more experienced and idealized partner who is worshiped and adored by a less experienced mate. Oh to be worshiped. Oh to be protected. Do these roles last? Perhaps. Do the positions remain static? Not usually. The mature just get older, and the younger, worshiping ones, get mature. Oops. The Coupledom that outlasts these maturational changes is indeed a strong, flexible and compatible pair.
So Many Roads to marital mergers, neither good nor bad. Just human. Variables that can be normal, natural or complicating if not understood and owned. There is no pure pairing. We come to each other with wants, a context in which multiple needs thrive and compete, and though we love, we may love for many reasons. The more we understand about our love, and its many tributaries, over time, the more honest the love, and the quicker the stumbling blocks to its success can be negotiated.
The Myths: The chemical potency of these variables when mixed together may at times overpower judgment and lead to denial of the presence of what could be the fatal flaw in the brew. Many a patient has mumbled these words “I thought I could change him.” Or “I thought she would change.” That marital myth that can render even the most intelligent of souls short-sighted and misguided is the strongly held belief, often unspoken and perhaps even subconscious, that the partner has the power to change that portion of their mate’s make up that is worrisome. What underlies that desire, motivates that conclusion, or greases the pathways to that denial is worthy of exploration.
Reworking History: Often I find individuals from families of addiction, significant emotional or medical challenges pursuing what remained unattainable in their childhood, the power to make someone they love change out of love for them. The set up is clear. Marry someone who has many wonderful qualities but has one significant weakness, perhaps a tendency to over imbibe, play around, gamble or invest in dreams rather than realities. Or someone with a mood disorder or depression, unacknowledged but clearly not a happy soul, or perhaps medically compromised. Having failed as a child to bring the beloved parent to another place, or the family, reworking that scenario in adulthood becomes an unconscious force in marital selection. “Undoing” the feelings of powerlessness from childhood, by rewriting history, this time empowered as an adult, at the helm, navigating The Coupledom ship towards marital bliss. O.K. now we have a motive. What allows this delusion to get past rational thinking?
Magical Thinking: At the heart of self-deception is “magical thinking” – that childlike defense that Disney’s Cinderella sang of in her bed chamber, “A dream is a wish your heart makes when you’re fast asleep…no matter how your heart is grieving, if you keep believing the dream that you wish will come true.” Or as that heartbreakingly sweet little insect Jiminy Cricket crooned in Pinocchio, “When you wish upon a star, makes no difference who you are, anything your heart desires will come to you.” Really? Just like that?
The Child’s Dream In My Office: No one is above harboring a child’s dream stuck to one’s adult heart. I am host to many adult children in my office who break my heart, frankly, when we reveal the child’s dream, still intact, residing in their bewildered adult heart sitting across the room from me. “But I thought I could…” “What I never could do as a kid…” “What my dad/mom failed to do, I thought I could do.” “My love was never enough to make dad happy… To stop Mom’s drinking… To end the fighting… I was compelled, unknowingly, to make happy the world in which I grew, now that it was my world to do it…”
Grieving The Dreams That Didn’t Come True: Where does one go when the revised edition of childhood breaks down just like the original did and all the love in the world, the good deeds, demands and manipulations failed to change the beloved in the image desired by their partner? When the player turns into the cheater? When the addict can’t be saved? When the idol falls off the pedestal? One goes to grieving, saying adios to dreams that were based on a child’s wishes, decent wishes, but wishes nonetheless. And then to realistic assessment. Who is this person I chose to love, save or change? What part of me made that choice? And now what can I do to work with reality? Work on allowing grief and pain from the past to make its appearance, sort it out and see its’ connection to the present disappointment, forgiving yourself along the way for allowing the child to determine an important part of adult decision-making.
A Viable Coupledom Or A Solo Recovery: At this point, if The Coupledom is still viable, then a new chapter can be possible. If not, then a solo journey to perhaps a more realistic and fulfilling new love. But no delusions. We cannot change the people we love, no matter how much we love them. We can change ourselves by flushing out the dreams, comforting our child’s broken heart, and committing to what the adult in us truly values and asking of another if they can join in respecting those values as well.
A Third Party: This is a big job, so call in an expert, a psychotherapist, couples therapist, someone who can keep you, and if it’s still viable, your Coupledom, on a course that gets you to the next realistic stop along life’s emotional highway.
©Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2011
Holiday Toolkit 2011: The Narcissist’s Stocking Stuffer: A Coupledom Alert
What do you get a narcissist for the holidays? No, this isn’t a bad joke — just another helpful post from The Holiday Toolkit intended to help you survive the most wonderful time of the year.
Today’s post from the Holiday Toolkit:
Excerpt:
How many days to Thanksgiving? To Hanukkah? To Christmas? To Kwanzaa? To New Year’s Eve? Enough to create a big fat Coupledom mess. What are the holidays known for in my profession? Opportunity for families to become combustible, leaving memories scorched with flames. Why? Holidays provide fertile ground for narcissistic orgies rich in ultimatums, perceived rejections and ample distorted projections.
You can read the full post here: The Narcissist’s Stocking Stuffer: A Coupledom Alert
And you can check out the other posts in the Holiday Toolkit here.
