• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
The Couples Toolkit Logo
  • Home
  • About
  • Services
    • Family Therapy
    • Couples Therapy
    • Uncoupling
    • Individual Therapy
    • Grief and Loss Counseling
    • Children of Divorce, Young and Adult
    • Transitions in The Coupledom
    • Empty Nest Couples Counseling
  • Blog
  • Parenting Adult Special Needs
  • FAQs
  • Contact
  • Show Search
The Couples Toolkit
Hide Search

Blogs

Aiming high to achieve what matters most: Connection; Communication and Mutual Respect

How to Accept and Enjoy Differences

How to Accept and Enjoy Differences

By Jill Edelman . 7:18 pm

Couples often are strikingly bewildered by their partner’s inability to feel what they feel and act as they do. It does not easily compute that this person, with whom I have chosen to spend my time, thinks so differently and behaves so “unlike me.” And the “unlike me” is the operative word here.

The human species seeks safety in sameness, though often lured by “difference.” That very difference, in gender, cultural background, or personality style, has attractive and sometimes, alarming features. This becomes troublesome in a relationship when each partner sees this “difference” in personal terms.

If your partner prefers a different color sofa, or child discipline technique, and more importantly, doesn’t feel the same feelings of sadness or happiness as you at the same time, is this rejection or difference? Couples need the tools to communicate about those “differences” rather than letting them become distancing and hurtful wedges in their relationship.

There is only one way to do this. Each partner has to listen to the other talk about why they feel what they feel, do what they do, like what they like, and think as they think. There are historic reasons, family of origin reasons, temperament and fear, different psychological defenses utilized. Someone may withdraw when anxious. Someone may reach out. Someone may act tough when feeling vulnerable, confusing their partner with their attitude.

Trust can grow from deepening understanding that these differences are not “against the other” but rather are a part of the person. Bridges are built through this “conversation” that close the gap and new solutions can be drawn from this life long discussion of difference and knowing. Couples develop many of these “tools” in couples therapy and then have them at their disposal for a lifetime.

Differences, Listening, The Coupledom, Tools

Enjoyed it? Share this article on

About Jill Edelman

Reader Interactions

Comments

  1. amy says

    at 6:47 pm

    I would say it is difference not rejection
    couples need to learn to respect one another and their differences without compromising themselves.
    I like what has been written above re how to accept and enjoy differences.
    It is a mindset, an attitude only to the point where you are not completely compromising your self.
    thank you for this website – it is a great tool

    Reply
    • jilledelmanlcsw says

      at 9:04 pm

      Dear Amy,

      I like the distinction that you made here. Respecting the other, and their differences. And, as you stress, keeping your own integrity at the same time. A fine and important balance.

      Reply
  2. marie-eve says

    at 2:30 pm

    I love the lay-out. You write beautifully. And the subjects (difference, anger…) are all worthwile exploring.
    Keep on the good work.

    Reply
    • jilledelmanlcsw says

      at 9:02 pm

      Dear Marie-Eve,

      Now we can monitor each other in our blogosphere. Thank you for your kind words. Love to get feedback whenever you get a moment. I plan to do two posts a week. See you tomorrow.

      Reply
  3. Ilene says

    at 12:17 pm

    Jill, your insights are comforting and thought-provoking. I look forward to hearing your wisdom through your blog… and over drinks this Friday!

    Reply
    • jilledelmanlcsw says

      at 12:19 pm

      Thank you Ilene. I would be less than nothing without you. Drinks and dinner!

      Reply

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

Primary Sidebar

Categories

Recent Posts

  • The Pandemic Coupledom 2021: Reinventing the Meaning of Us
  • Pandemic Wisdom For The Coupledom: The Chance To Be Swaddled Again
  • Coupledom Crossroads: Empty Nesting in the Age of Netflix

Most Popular Blogs

The Passive-Aggressive Punch: The Silent Code of Anger In The Coupledom

Bully Wives? Yes, But They Don’t Know It.

Can You Say No To A Narcissist? Co-Narcissism and The Coupledom

Follow Me

This Crazy Quilt: Parenting Adult Special Needs One Day At A Time


Follow @couplestoolkit

Subscribe to The Couples Toolkit Newsletter
  • This field is for validation purposes and should be left unchanged.

Related Posts
The Pandemic Coupledom 2021: Reinventing the Meaning of Us

The Pandemic Coupledom 2021: Reinventing the Meaning of Us

Pandemic Wisdom For The Coupledom: The Chance To Be Swaddled Again

Pandemic Wisdom For The Coupledom: The Chance To Be Swaddled Again

Coupledom Crossroads: Empty Nesting in the Age of Netflix

Coupledom Crossroads: Empty Nesting in the Age of Netflix

Read More Posts

 

The Couples Toolkit
Icon
Contact Info
Call: (203) 984-1517
Email: jill@thecouplestoolkit.com

Icon
Office Address
9 Shady Lane,
Redding, CT 06896
Icon
Office Hours
Flexible – In person, Phone, Zoom or FaceTime Sessions.

Facebook Twitter

The Couple's Toolkit © Website Design & Development by SHJ and Omaginarium