I have recently launched my updated blog/website and I invite you to visit. My first post in this new offering is brief. It too is an invitation. Please take a look. The Pandemic Coupledom 2021: A Year of Reinventing the Meaning of “Us” A Year of Loss How is your Coupledom doing a year into […]
The Coupledom
Pandemic Wisdom For The Coupledom: The Chance To Be Swaddled Again
This painful Pandemic Pause in our lives offers a time for reflection. And this post is the product of that reflection. As I said to one couple who visited for a session outside on my deck, often what we seek from each other is to be comforted, swaddled, made to feel safe again. And most […]
Coupledom Crossroads: Empty Nesting in the Age of Netflix
Lately I have seen an increase in couples turning to therapy as a tool to navigate the empty nest chapter of their marriage, or an impending retirement of one or both of the partners. A new current of concern is vibrating through the Coupledom – the unknown is looming and the challenges in the relationship that […]
For The Coupledom: What to Ask Your Parents While They Are Alive
The sad season of the global Pandemic and its devastation in our nation prompts many questions and offers new opportunities. For the Coupledom and for adult children everywhere, the mortality reality accentuates the limits of “time” and the unpredictability of loss. In my work, I encourage couples and individuals to be curious about their parents’ […]
For the Coupledom: How to Take Ownership and Why It Is So Scary
Reader Beware: This post is not intended for the quick fixers or the folks who find exploration of emotion boring! The hardest psychological endeavor in the couples therapy process is the act of taking ownership for perceived hurtful behaviors to one’s partner. Seconds after a spouse expresses their feelings, with lightning speed, their partner launches […]
Communicate the Mundane and Avoid the Pain
While doing couples therapy, I am often struck by how much is left unsaid between couples, both of a factual and feeling nature, that emerges in sessions days, weeks and sometimes months past the actual situation. The back and forth which typically ensues when reviewing transactions that have caused trouble stimulates in each partner the […]
Holiday Season – No Time To Test The Relationship, Yet Opportunity Knocks
I have written a number of posts on holiday challenges including Valentine’s Day and Christmas. I suggest that folks review these posts in the next week. My clinical observation and I think this is a pretty obvious observation, is that holidays often intensify couples conflict. It’s a bit like the flu season. Exposure to germs is a guarantee; […]
Time and The Coupledom
My son has a passion for timepieces. As a five-year-old boy he “stole” one of his grandfather’s watches. A year later I found it under his mattress. Today he pursues his passion in a more conventional manner, and his pleasure in how time is tracked through beauty and ingenuity is something I share with him. […]
Assumptions and Projections: A Corrosive Influence in The Coupledom
In my practice over the years, I have watched couples behave toward each other in ways that scream “unhealthy.” Often, these behaviors are the outcome of two mental activities that we define in our dictionaries as “assumption” and “projection.” In this context, the relevant definition of assumption is: “A thing that is accepted as true […]
Don’t Wait – That’s The Biggest Mistake!
When asked what is the most serious mistake that couples make, I answer, they wait too long to get help. The energy required to sustain a disabled Coupledom and avoid facing the realization that “we have problems that need professional expertise” could be channeled into using that “help” to improve the marriage. In fact, problems […]
As The Toilet Paper Rolls: The Domestic Challenge
A close up view of the daily goings on of a typical American Coupledom resembles a made for primetime series or a daytime soap. And that is what the most successful series chronicle – the minutiae of lives joined together. Could be Friends or Modern Family but the humor tends to be built upon […]
A Valentine Cocktail: Imagination With A Splash Of Empathy
The romantic season starts now. It’s pretty short – twenty-four little hours. Well not really – there’s the build up and the aftermath to factor in. It is also an opportunity rich with the possibility of long lasting gain for your Coupledom. I will not challenge the merits of our culture’s classic symbols of romantic […]
The Senior Coupledom*: Like the Elephant, Majestic and Scarred
I am impressed by the sheer physicality of a couple who have spent four and more decades married. There is something implacable, massive, monumental, well worn and a bit weary in their presentation. I see them in my office, town events, airports and cocktail parties. Like the elephant whose swaying bulky splendor moves towards the […]
Pixar Outs Emotions in “Inside Out”: Denial Folds
Before I saw the latest Pixar film Inside Out I was working on a post, “Wild With Denial,” about how couples get into trouble by denying their problems, denying their emotions – and how it only takes one in denial to throw off The Coupledom. “No we are not having a problem; nope it’s just […]
The Catch Phrases of Manipulation in The Coupledom
How can you tell if someone is manipulating you? Let’s see. Are you frequently unsettled and confused after a conversation that didn’t go as you expected? Do you identify with that deer in the headlights scrambling up the shoulder of the road to escape from the semi heading its way? Do you leave conversations with […]
Think Outside The Candy Box: Valentine’s Day 2015
Here we go again. Heart shaped red ribboned candy boxes full of chocolate promises deck the shelves of the local CVS. A few days ago I noticed some harried looking males anxiously flipping through the stacks of Valentine cards in the supermarket aisle. The pressure is on to perform the mating ritual and renewal that […]
Relationships 2015: Married and Otherwise
Holiday Greetings and Wishes for a robust Coupledom in 2015 – a relationship between two consenting adults that flourishes and bares healthy fruit, whether that means children, pets or simply a fulfilling shared life. I’d like to share some of my thoughts on how to approach your relationship in 2015. A couple of weeks ago […]
Lonely in The Coupledom: Post Holiday Blues
How Were The Holidays? The post holiday season can be an especially challenging time for couples. Perhaps you are empty nesters and the kids went back to school. Could be your vicarious thrill in watching your young children’s Christmas joy has waned with the new year or maybe when the grandparents flew back to home […]
In Time For Love: Opportunities Are Unlimited
Fifty and Older: A deeply distraught senior in his seventies faces the prospect of living in marital misery “until death do us part.” The chasm between the pair has widened over the decades and may be unfixable. His wife feels the same way. What are their choices: divorced and alone or together and unhappy? A […]
Fates Entwined: Now Take Care of Yourself
The Unspoken Contract That Needs To Be Spoken: Decades ago my husband told me a funny anecdote about one of his aunts. She was a mother of four and her husband passed out in front of her. Not that funny? But what he quoted that she said both jolted me and made me laugh, as […]
The Poison Sex Dart: Objectifying Love
Not a Prescription Nor a Cure, Just a Perspective: What does it take for two people to always feel mutually stimulated and sated in a long-term relationship? Probably magic. As a therapist what strikes me as most ironic and piercingly problematic is that the bedroom, specifically and most likely, the bed, often evolves into being […]
Fusion Confusion: Fighting for Identity in The Coupledom
Me/Us? Personal identity, the self-defining kind, helps us to make the big life choices such as college, career, mate, when to breed, as well as small ones such as shoe selection, hair color and movies. Each time we say yes or no to something, we are giving off a whiff of who we are. When […]
Strangers On The Couch: Couples Therapy
In Translation: “Let me introduce you to your mate.” This is what I would like to say to my patients “on the couch” more often than not. Have you met before? I feel as if my job as their therapist is to be translator, interpreter, facilitator and teacher to two people who at times speak […]
Spotlight on The Heart: Valentine’s Day
What’s Tough About February 14? Besides the possibility of being caught in a winter blizzard, February 14 is the one day a year when the cultural spotlight aims its beams of light on the heart of the relationship. How soft, flattering or harsh the light feels, depends on the health of that heart, year to […]
Coupledom Resolutions Revisited: New Years 2014
New Couples, Veteran Couples: Here are a few suggestions for the ritual of joint resolution that we call the New Year. When the ball drops this even numbered New Year be prepared. Talking Heads: Vow to aim for eye contact when you have verbal exchanges as much as possible. The walking out of or into […]
Bracing For Santa: Holiday Performance Anxiety In The Coupledom
Anticipating Complications: If you notice, as the days darken and talk of turkeys and Black Friday fill the air, that your insides have begun to retract and breathing has become a more shallow affair, perhaps you are suffering from Holiday Performance Anxiety. And if the communication between you and your partner about when to leave […]
Missing Teeth and Bully Wives: Aggression in The Coupledom
Guatemala: I journeyed to Antigua, a Spanish colonial World Heritage city in Central America’s Guatemala, where a family member currently resides. At the steps of a church in partial ruins were a little girl and her mother who were selling votives. I purchased a votive in exchange for a photo of the pair. When I […]
Married to Wikipedia: The Evolving Marriage
The Expert: About a decade ago, I worked with a May-December Coupledom, the wife almost twenty years junior to her hubby, who were at a marital crossroads. The images each had originally held of the other were now anachronistic. The husband seemed trapped in the patriarchal position of most knowledgeable, the decider and the protector. […]
Sexual Pain Or Impaired Performance: No Shame, No Blame
What Is Not Spoken: As a couples’ therapist I am accustomed to learning from my patients that they have not experienced sexual intimacy for months or years leading up to their visits with me. Numbers of years. What is equally significant is the common admission that paralleling the absence of physical contact has been the […]
Personalize This! The Coupledom’s Achilles Heel
The Common Malady: In human interaction, and this may be a character trait unique to our species, there is a tendency to perceive the behaviors and verbalization of others in personal terms, understood as reflecting an attitude, belief or feeling that is about “me”, because of me, or in relationship to me. This tendency of […]
The Coupledom Ambles Towards Seniorhood
A Road Trip To The Future: My Coupledom has recently aged out of its “middle years” and into early Seniorhood. And we are hardly alone as we join the ranks of baby boomers who over the next two decades will be marching forth to take their seat at the table of ultimate maturity. The announcement […]
A Smart Mother’s Day for The Coupledom
Your Mother, Her Day: Mother’s Day is coming and the material world is busy reminding us to commemorate our mothers with flowers, jewelry, breakfast in bed, and dinner out at a special restaurant. Though this tradition of honoring motherhood has ancient roots, the current version began in 1907 when Ana Jarvis, desirous to honor her […]
A Divorcing Option: A Gracious Ending
The Possibility of Closure and Release: Once again Sunday’s The New York Times has offered an article that warrants attention. Briefly, as I am still on the road with my Coupledom, I want to draw your attention to Abby Ellin’s review of a new trend in divorced, divorcing or breaking-up Coupledoms. (I would say, former […]
Oldies but Goodies: Sibling Order Flavors The Coupledom: Oldest, Youngest, Middles and Onlies
Jill is taking a break from the blog this week. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so. Excerpt: If your place in the family lineup involved dodging the bullets that flew at your older sibling, learning from his or her sufferings how to best avoid parental disapproval or […]
The Passive-Aggressive Punch: The Silent Code of Anger In The Coupledom
Jill is taking a break from the blog this week. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so. Excerpt: Withholding: A common form of passive-aggressive behavior is withholding: sex, affection, information, conversation. Someone in the Coupledom stops chatting, sharing details of family life; someone refrains from conveying essential data […]
Oldies but Goodies: Can You Say No To A Narcissist? Co-Narcissism and The Coupledom
Jill is taking a break from the blog this week. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so. Excerpt: Do You Often Feel Invisible in The Coupledom? Healthy narcissism is a good thing. We need to care enough about ourselves to stay healthy, strive to achieve, pick caring partners, […]
Healing The Coupledom: Neurobiology and Couples Therapy
The Refuge of Stories: Steve Almond, the son of therapists, author and writing workshop teacher, described in a New York Times Sunday magazine article the mushrooming popularity of today’s writing workshops, which he views as a version of the old “talk therapy”, so popular prior to the psychopharmacological and managed care revolutions in mental health. […]
The Un-Romantic Bed
Bill Maher: If ever there were an unromantic guy, it is Bill Maher with his surgeon-like skill to slice away all artifice and get to the earthy or seamy underbelly of so much of life, political and otherwise. Recently, he made a comment about sleep which got me thinking about the unromantic aspect of sleeping […]
Couples Counseling: A Tool For Life?
Checking In: When a couple comes in for counseling, they are motivated by a personal crisis, either within The Coupledom or one pressing on the Coupledom. Typical triggers are a particularly volatile fight, an encounter with relatives/in-laws that leads to a clash of attitudes, a financial crisis, a child’s acting-out, loss, an affair, a suspected […]
Do You Need an Education to Stay Married?
The National Marriage Project: The State of Our Unions is a joint publication of the National Marriage Project at the University of Virginia and The Center for Marriage and Families at The Institute of American Values. I have provided a link to download a PDF of the study above and urge everyone to scroll through […]
“The Descendants” An Award Winning Coupledom: What Can We Learn?
A Family Going To The Dogs Hits A Wall: “The Descendants” starring George Clooney is nominated for best picture by the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences, aka Oscar. At the Golden Globes last month, the film won for best drama, Mr. Clooney for best actor in a drama. It is ranked amongst the […]
Valentines With Heart and Humor: A Developmental Approach
A Different Perspective: This will be my third post on the “lovers” holiday and I am stretching my brain to think what I might add to the topic that would be useful here. In the post Valentine’s Day Gifts Take Some Knowing I tackled the topic of gift giving. Valentine’s Day and The Coupledom: Is […]
Recognizing The Co-Narcissism In Your Coupledom
Watch Your Step: Couples relationships incorporate a complex interplay of behaviors and emotions that are products of the unspoken but powerful contract that provides a substructure of the shared life. There can be many substructures that compose the foundation of the attachment, some healthy and sustaining, such as common values and passions, others harmful and […]
Illness and Loss In The Coupledom: Reality Shifts
Loss: I had loss on my mind this week. In fact, I always do but this week a family member shared her profound sadness upon learning of the tragic death of a very dear friend in the “prime of life.” She asked if I had written on loss and grief specific to The Coupledom and […]
“Money Matters” in The Coupledom: Budget 2012
Money Is Big: As the New Year confronts us, money matters can loom large in the line-up of Coupledom challenges: What are the expenditure priorities this year? Who manages the finances? Who pays the monthly bills, or not? Who brings home the dough? Who decides on how it is spent? Who knows where the money […]
Aftermath: Cleaning Up The Coupledom’s Holiday Mess
What Was Your Holiday Like? I counted three holiday disasters in my caseload prior to New Year’s and I expect reports of more in the coming days. Disaster may be too strong a word since I believe most “messes” can be worked on and cleaned up with help. Hence the post. But holiday pressure puts many […]
Free Holiday Gifts
As the holidays consume our time and attention, I suspect reading blogs will fall down on the “to do” list. But just in case you have a moment now or after the Times Square Ball drops us into 2012, take a peek at the contents page of The Couples Tool Kit. Or dip into the […]
Who Listens? Let It Be Your Coupledom
Telling Stories: Someone asked a psychiatrist ‘How can you listen to people talk about their problems all day.’ Comedic pause. Psychiatrist: ‘Who listens?’ Of course many of you may have anecdotes or evidence that validates that ironic response but one could insert husband and wife or wife and husband, in any particular order, and make […]
Holiday Toolkit 2011: Divorced: Now What To Do With The Ex-Laws?
While this post isn’t specifically about the holidays, it is all about family relationships and dealing with the “ex-laws” after a divorce – which always shows up as a major factor during holiday season. So we are adding it to the Holiday Toolkit in the hopes that it may just help you survive the most […]
The Coupledom Dreams: Using Our Unconscious To Communicate
Talking In Our Sleep: Lying next to each other, so near yet in our own worlds, The Coupledom dreams, every night in fact, during what is called the REM stage of sleep, which amounts to approximately 25% of sleeping time. Yet what do we do with this rich resource of mental activity as a couple? […]
Marital Myths: I Thought I Could Change Him/Her
Chemistry Compromises Clarity: We meet, we spark and we bond. What are the variables that allow folks to desire attaching themselves to someone? Physical attraction is a pretty heady draw but if met with an unappealing personality, a “dud” may not sustain its spark. There are many additional sources of attachment attraction. “We have fun […]
Have a Happy Thanksgiving from The Couples Tool Kit!
Jill is taking a vacation from the Blog this week for Thanksgiving. She’ll be back next week with new posts for both the Couples Tool Kit and Parenting Adult Special Needs: One Day at a Time. We wish all of you a Happy Thanksgiving holiday. And if you’re looking for Jill’s posts about the stress […]
Holiday Toolkit 2011: The Narcissist’s Stocking Stuffer: A Coupledom Alert
What do you get a narcissist for the holidays? No, this isn’t a bad joke — just another helpful post from The Holiday Toolkit intended to help you survive the most wonderful time of the year. Today’s post from the Holiday Toolkit: Excerpt: How many days to Thanksgiving? To Hanukkah? To Christmas? To Kwanzaa? To […]
Holiday Toolkit 2011: The Divorce Survival ToolKit for Children of All Ages
Holidays are stressful times for The Coupledom. Here is another post about divorce and the holidays from the Holiday Toolkit. Today’s post from the Holiday Toolkit: Excerpt: Adult children of divorce as well as their younger counterparts struggle with the new regime, the confusing order of things and benefit from a language and vocabulary that […]
Holiday Toolkit 2011: Holiday Mayhem for the Coupledom?
Holidays are stressful times for The Coupledom. These posts have been popular in the past and offer useful insights, particularly at this time of the year, so we are collecting them here. Today’s post from the Holiday Toolkit: Excerpt: No matter which holiday you subscribe to, whether it be Christmas, Hanukkah, Passover, Easter, Ramadan or […]
The Narcissist’s Stocking Stuffer: A Coupledom Alert
Holidays Coming: How many days to Thanksgiving? To Hanukkah? To Christmas? To Kwanzaa? To New Year’s Eve? Enough to create a big fat Coupledom mess. What are the holidays known for in my profession? Opportunity for families to become combustible, leaving memories scorched with flames. Why? Holidays provide fertile ground for narcissistic orgies rich in […]
Oldies but Goodies: Women are Frightened But Men Are Not Listening: The Disconnect in The Coupledom
The October nor’easter did in fact leave southern Connecticut without power…again. So while Jill is reading by candlelight, here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so. Excerpt: A couple sits in my office reviewing a painful exchange in which the wife ascribed a well-intentioned action of her husband’s to […]
The Affair: A Symptom of Marriage Rot or A Rotten Spouse?
Affairs Come In Colors: Not all infidelities look alike. The red-hot mega-media adulteries are not the prototype for most unfaithful Coupledoms. The shades of color for the common household variety of betrayal are in grays, not black, white or red-hot. Yet folks on either side of the betrayal highway feel more comfortable thinking in black, […]
50% Of Us Is Done: Marriage Over?
The Unfairness Factor: One of the more profoundly emotional experiences in couples work is watching the demise of a Coupledom when only one of the partners is “done.” The spouse who wants to keep the marriage alive is outnumbered. Yes outnumbered because it only takes 50% of the vote to emotionally dissolve the marriage. How […]
Finding Love Over Fifty Online?
Can Dreams Come True After Fifty-Two? I am hearing a lot lately about older folks meeting up and partnering or even marrying, happily and in many cases, unexpectedly. Unexpected in that either they had been searching for years with no results, or surprisingly lucky when they began their search to find the perfect mate. Perfect […]
Bully Wives? Yes, But They Don’t Know It.
Powerful Impact: Women are depicted as the “weaker sex”; have been for centuries. And in so many ways the inculcation of that notion, along with certain biological and physical realities, has successfully rendered them so, a state many of us fight each day. Yet there are times when sitting in my office, or out socializing, […]
The Divorced Coupledom: Milestones Celebrated In Court
Back To Court: Several times a year, whether I am in session with a patient, or bumping into friends, acquaintances or former patients in the aisles of the local supermarkets, the phrase “He/She is taking me back to court,” is whispered to me in tones of distress, anger, irony or weariness. Weariness often more than anything laces […]
Oldies but Goodies: Sex In The Coupledom: A Powerful Absence
Happy Labor Day Weekend! Jill is taking a break from the blog this weekend to rest and relax post Hurricane Irene. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so. Excerpt: No Shame Needed Here: The fact that a significant number of couples are not having great sex, frequent sex […]
Oldies but Goodies: Weight Gain, Sex, And The Coupledom: Weight Tells A Story
Happy Labor Day Weekend! Jill is taking a break from the blog this weekend to rest and relax post Hurricane Irene. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so. Excerpt: A Forbidden Topic: Weight talk in a relationship is so tricky and full of traps that most couples avoid […]
The Singledom Blues
The Suitable Other: I have been asked by folks, who are negotiating the worlds of post-divorce, widowhood, breakups and unwanted celibacy, to share some thoughts on The Singledom, a phrase used here to encompass a life in search of the suitable other. What’s New Under The Dating Sun? Mainly the pace and the method of […]
The Coupledom Contract: Who Gets Thrown Under The Bus?
The Costs Of Accommodation: There are many unspoken and even unconscious clauses in most Coupledoms. They may include never confronting your partner with the reality of their tone-deaf singing or limited grace on the dance floor. Perhaps the overcooked spaghetti goes unmentioned, or the gardening attempts that are less than stellar. None of these accommodations […]
What Is The Media Doing To Our Marriages?
The Famous Unfaithful: A couple recovering from an infidelity described being rattled by the constant news reports of the famous unfaithful. The upside of the battering ram of infidelity reminders is that the husband is regretful and pained by his actions, which bolsters his commitment to working on his marriage. His wife sees his struggle […]
What Are The Daughters Thinking? DSK, Schwarzenegger, Clinton
Imagine: Can anyone imagine DSK’s lunch with his daughter 17 minutes after he left the Sofitel Hotel and his encounter with a hotel housekeeper? Whatever that moment was in the Sofitel, DSK shifted to dad mode within minutes of being “someone else.” His daughter Camille is a 25-year-old Columbia University graduate student. After her dad’s […]
Oldies but Goodies: ADD, OCD, BPD, NPD: The ABC’s That Influence The Coupledom
Jill is taking a break from the blog this week. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so. Excerpt: Bewilderment in The Coupledom: Many years ago, prior to the full outing of adult ADD, a patient was incredulous at the repeated forgetfulness of her spouse. Requests to pick up […]
Addressing “Married, with Infidelities” within The Coupledom
Taking a break from taking a break, I couldn’t resist commenting on a very interesting article in the magazine section of today’s NY Times, Married, With Infidelities, by Mark Oppenheimer, who writes the Beliefs column. (Especially in the light of all the recent conversation about infidelity surrounding former NY Congressman Anthony Weiner and his Sexting escapades, […]
Oldies but goodies: The Divorcing Coupledom: The Art of Uncoupling
Jill is taking a break from the blog this week. Here is one of her most popular posts from the past year or so. Excerpt: In The Beginning There Was A Bond: When the Coupledom, the domicile of the couples’ relationship, splinters, what can be preserved and what must be discarded? These are daunting questions […]
The Rich Coupledom Under Siege
A Mansion Divided: Several years ago I began working with a young married mother of two whose husband was prospering mightily on Wall Street. She was alarmed by an increasing sense that extended family members were assessing her family’s capital worth with personal gain in mind. She was just one of several patients with whom […]
Normalizing Love: The Gay Coupledom Gets Married
Love On The Margins of Society: New York State did it. They legalized same-sex marriage on Friday, becoming the sixth state in the country to do so, and the largest. The significance for same-sex couples who have endured loving on the margins of society’s approval is enormous. For some, civil unions may be sufficient or […]
Levels Of Betrayal: I Did Not Have Sex(t) With That Woman
Defining Betrayal: The over-active Anthony Weiner, whose nimble fingers have twittered him into some pretty deep you know what, has added a new twist to the ever popular presidential pronouncement, “I did not have sex with that woman.” What is infidelity and what grade are these men in when they come up with their personal […]
Interracial and Interfaith Marriage: Triangle Traps?
Triangle Hell: Diane Farr’s piece “Bringing Home The Wrong Race” (the title alone speaks volumes) in the New York Times Sunday is a telling tale of a journey between worlds fueled by love. Ms. Farr, actress, author and caucasian, describes her courtship with Seung Chung, who is of Korean descent. I was intrigued by their united […]
Great Couples Therapy: Takes Muscle
What Does It Take: Great couples therapy…what does that mean? Couples who are great in therapy? Couples therapy with a great therapist? Great outcome to couples therapy? Here I mean the therapy couple who hunkers down and does the work with grit, fortitude and risk. It is awesome to observe. A Profile of Great Couples: […]
What Do Your Children Know About Your Coupledom?
Little Pitchers, Big Ears? Children are sponges. They are meant to be so. Absorbent. It facilitates learning the art of being human. Parents swell with pride when describing the latest juvenile achievement, seemingly spun from some invisible loom. Yet this sponge-like quality of growing children is recognized by proud parents when it suits us, and denied […]
Maria And Arnold: A Rorschach Test
Separation Tremors: The announcement that Arnold Schwarzenegger and Maria Shriver are separating after 25 years married and four children may be sending out tremors beyond the confines of the couples’ California home. What can have gone awry? Mid-life crisis; infidelity; anorexia; male or female menopause; the end of a political marriage matching the termination of […]
Great Father/Great Mother: Failed Coupledom?
The New Yorker Captures The Coupledom: If ever you need a visual for what is happening to your Coupledom, pick up several copies of the New Yorker Magazine, and flip through the pages. Inevitably you will find the very image that corresponds to your moment. I did. While preparing my thoughts for this post, this […]
Kate and William: The Royal Coupledom
Love In The Limelight: It is difficult to know which combination is more challenging: a coupledom where both parties are super famous as in Brangelina; one party is famous and the other unknown, by contrast, as is the case of Kate and William; or both parties are famous but one is a superstar; an example […]
The Coupledom: Is It Too Late?
Inspiration: This post was inspired by a friend. He calls it “Nurture the Coupledom.” He and his wife arranged for their child to be left with grandparents for her first overnight to enable them to “go out”, as in a “date night.” I could hear his pride both in his daughter’s readiness for this big […]
Stereotyping The Coupledom
Stereotyping Your Partner: One marvels at the power of gender stereotyping in The Coupledom, that domicile in which the relationship resides. Years, even decades into a marriage, partners interpret behaviors in the language of expected gender norms. Often these interpretations are inaccurate and create emotional distance rather than facilitate connectedness. Dismissive or Disengaged? At the […]
Parenting Adult Special Needs: One Day At A Time
Your Child Is Coming Back To A Town Near You — Or Maybe They Never Left: Our daughter is graduating this June from a special education boarding school and returning to her home state of Connecticut after five years living with peers in a dormitory setting where all needs were met: academic, social and vocational. […]
Charlie Sheened? When Your Spouse Is Unraveling, What To Do?
The Foundation is Cracking: An earthquake, a tsunami or the breakdown of a family member? Viewing Charlie Sheen on the T.V. screen, gaunt and pulsating with the energy of an avalanche, full of spit and spin, dark circles rimming incendiary eyes, evokes a sadness and melancholy in me for both him and his family. Though […]
A Parenting Quandary: Respect or Protect?
Well Meaning Parenting: In the trenches of parenting, whatever the child’s age, a primary motivation is to “protect” the child from everything from dental decay to death. The parenting manual, implicit as it is, but part of any species, is to promote the survival of the species, i.e. our offspring. Love as Motivation: In the […]
Owning Your Stuff Builds Coupledom Trust
Trust Busters: There are ample ways to mar and maim belief in someone’s regard for you. Trust marring can be as fleeting as overhearing a derisive comment about you, or as weighty as discovering romantic texts and hotel charges. Like the derma that covers our organs, we have muslin-like layers of protection covering our emotions; […]
Lara Logan’s Brave Battle To “Out” Sexual Assault
The Courage Not To Remain Silent: Many are following the news coverage of CBS correspondent Lara Logan who was sexually assaulted when separated from her crew during the celebrations in Cairo’s Tahrir Square last Friday. Controversy has ensued and comments range from outrage, support, mockery and questions regarding the release to the media of a […]
Valentine’s Day Gifts Take Some Knowing
Listen and Learn: Over the decades, I have been privy to the attitudes, joys and disappointments of countless Valentine Days. Due to this rich sampling of heart shaped emotionalism, my gift to my readers is the wisdom gleaned from the unique vantage point of the clinician: Think! What Do I Know About My Partner, his/her […]
Sex In The Coupledom: A Powerful Absence
Sexual Intimacy MIA?: “A common clinical adage is that sexuality contributes 15-20% to a marriage’s serving of shared pleasure……… When sexuality is difficult or non-existent, it plays an inordinately powerful role, perhaps 50-75%.” (McCarthy & Metz, 1997). When physical intimacy is missing in action in The Coupledom, its importance soars! No Shame Needed Here: The […]
The Divorcing Coupledom: The Art of Uncoupling
In The Beginning There Was A Bond: When the Coupledom, the domicile of the couples’ relationship, splinters, what can be preserved and what must be discarded? These are daunting questions that deserve deep search and time. Here are a few guidelines for both spouses to use as they engage in the art of uncoupling. Respecting […]
Can You Say No To A Narcissist? Co-Narcissism and The Coupledom
Narcissism: For the purposes of this post I am using a definition of narcissism found on a website called Seximus: “Narcissism, behavior which involve exclusive self-absorption. A degree of narcissism is considered normal, where an individual has a healthy self-regard and realistic aspirations. It is considered pathological behavior when the person tends to harbor an […]
The Secret To A Happy Marriage: Self-Expansion
A Tip To Start The Coupledom Off On The Right Foot in 2011: The sum of one partner part plus one partner part equals two partner parts: No! Not if you follow the research. In fact, as mentioned in previous posts, optimal bonding in The Coupledom should lead to a much greater, broader entity…the combined […]
The Affair: No Moralizing Here
Before; After; Not Yet; Never: Whatever your grouping of the moment, this read is for you. In today’s New York Times Modern Love Column, Wendy Plump pens an honest, metaphorically incisive depiction of an affair in The Coupledom. Having played both sides of it, Ms. Plump knows her stuff. No Moralizing Here? Are you already squeamish […]
Jealousy, Envy and The Coupledom: What’s Love Got To Do With It?
Envy=2; Jealousy=3: One simple method of distinguishing jealousy from envy is numeric. Jealousy always involves a third participant, real or imagined. Envy only needs two to do the dance. Both emotions can unsettle The Coupledom. Wikipedia: That green-eyed monster: Aristotle (in Rhetoric) defined envy (φθόνος phthonos) “as the pain caused by the good fortune of others”,[10][11] while Kant defined […]
Our Child Is Gay; Hasidic; Autistic; Muslim; Bi-Polar; Asperger’s; Born Again: The Coupledom Adjusts
The Parenting Gamble: Whether you birth or adopt a child, genetically screen or take your chances, what you draw from the pile may please you, challenge you, overwhelm or revolt you in turn. The odds are that many parents/Coupledoms will become members of clubs that they never wished to join, and may be horrified to […]
The Passive-Aggressive Punch: The Silent Code of Anger In The Coupledom
Stalemated and Suffering: When The Coupledom (the domicile wherein the relationship resides) reaches a level of pain and powerlessness as a consequence of countless hurts and misunderstandings, a strange pall descends upon it. Avenues of coping may have been explored: talking, arguing, even seeing a therapist. Perhaps to no avail/relief. Whatever the previous process, couples […]
Sibling Order Flavors The Coupledom: Oldest, Youngest, Middles and Onlies
Sibling Placement: Another Factor To Consider in The Coupledom: Most of us have siblings. Some of us do not but we marry someone who does. Then there are the ever increasing few who are onlies (NYTimes Style section on only children) and marry onlies. All permutations and combinations of sibling order and mating are fascinating, […]
Weight Gain, Sex, And The Coupledom: Weight Tells A Story
Weighty Topic: In recent days I read an alarming article on newly published obesity statistics nationally, glimpsed a Today show segment on a book about post-its to make overweight folks feel beautiful, and browsed through a piece in The New York Times Magazine on retail’s struggle to provide a profit margin in dressing the overweight […]
ADD, OCD, BPD, NPD: The ABC’s That Influence The Coupledom
Personality Styles and/or Disorders: Tara Parker Pope’s New York Times Well blog this past week tackled the topic of ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) and marriage. Researchers are hard at work studying the impact of a partner with ADHD on their relationships. No surprise to find out that indeed there is an “impact”. Bewilderment in […]
Women are Frightened But Men Are Not Listening: The Disconnect in The Coupledom
Women Know Something That Men Need to Know: When a friend mentioned that her teenage daughter’s driving instructor suggested she relax her shoulders, complimented her appearance and bemoaned the fact that his job restricted personal revelations, the mom’s antennae went sky-high. It soared when her daughter added that her girlfriend had similar inappropriate moments with […]
Husbands Have Changed: Have Wives Noticed?
Time Out to Consider Dad: Saturday’s New York Times (6/19/10), in anticipation of Father’s Day, published an article by Tara Parker Pope entitled “For Fathers, A Tough Balancing Act”. The article and a similar piece in the New York Times November 2, 2009 by Laurie Tarkan “Fathers Gain Respect From Experts (and Mothers)” inspired me […]
The Limber Coupledom: Yielding Postures, Flexible Positions
The Absence of Rigidity: During a two-week vacation, my husband and I spent time with three couples, who ranged in ages from late 40’s to 60’s. The couples had been together between 8 and 25 plus years. What was most telling for me, as both a student of couples’ relationships as well as a couples […]
Marriage and The Immune System: Toxicity in the Coupledom
Married Healthy or Married Sick? Over the decades scientific research has suggested that marriage may provide benefits for longevity and health. However, now that researchers have refined their techniques to measure “health” and “stress” in more nuanced forms, the quality of the “marriage” as anyone in a marriage knows, casts vast shades of difference over […]
Dodging The Bullock Bullet: Why Do Women Marry Philanderers?
Philander: Readily or frequently enter into casual sexual relationships with women (Oxford College Dictionary, 2007). Philanderer, informal definition: Womanizer. What Were They Thinking? Sandra Bullock and Norris Church Mailer, sixth wife of Norman Mailer, and author of the newly published Ticket To The Circus reviewed in Sunday’s New York Times both married men with known […]
“Love Means Never Having To Say You’re Sorry”: Excuse Me?
The Healing Power of Remorse: In the 1970 movie, “Love Story”, the line “Love means never having to say you’re sorry” became universally famous. The movie, based on the eponymous book by Erich Segal, popularized the concept, furthered bolstered by the pop psychology of the era, that true love required an unconditional acceptance of the […]
Facebook, Welcome to The Coupledom: Managing the Challenge
Facebook, Welcome to The Coupledom: As if couples don’t have enough challenges, Facebook has surfaced to introduce the daily possibility of reunions with soul mates from 7th grade. Witness this New York Times piece on the wedding of Ann Patavino Vincola and Alan S. Votta who at 67, after previous marriages and decades apart, were […]
Midlife and The Coupledom: Part 2: A Toolkit of Strategies To Make The Midlife Coupledom Work: Prevention for Younger Couples is Key
The Coupledom Through The Life Cycle: Tools are needed throughout relationships to deal with “change”. In the beginning of the committed relationship couples believe that they share goals, values and styles. The notion that personalities remain static is unrealistic. Development proceeds throughout the life cycle. Just as children shift and morph who they are, so […]
Depression and The Coupledom: The Secret Menace
The Unacknowledged Intruder: Depression and The Coupledom: The New York Times Sunday Magazine featured a fascinating article on the research of Andy Thomson, a psychiatrist at the University of Virginia. The piece entitled “Depression’s Upside” by Jonah Lehrer discusses research into the adaptive components of depression. Fascinating as the research is, it deals mainly with […]
Valentine’s Day and The Coupledom: Is This a Test?
According to Wikipedia, Valentine’s Day “ is an annual holiday held on February 14 celebrating love and affection between intimate companions.[1][4] The holiday is named after one or more early Christian martyrs named Valentine and was established by Pope Gelasius Wait a Moment: Is This a Test? This is the unspoken question spinning inside the […]
Bickering and The Coupledom: Read This Together
Two articles from the NY Times to think about: Therapists Report Increase in Green Disputes More Men Marrying Wealthier Women We are Fighting for…??? Embroiled in battle, couples can tap a useful tool, self inquiry Self Inquiry: It goes something like this: “Self, what am I trying to win here?” If you come up with […]
ToolKit of New Years Vows for Relationship 2010
THIS NEW YEARS EVE, SUGGESTED VOWS FOR THE COUPLEDOM Take Time: Each day, by email, cell phone or in person, touch base on how your partner is doing. Be Curious: Just a simple inquiry, how has your day been? No distance or work load or diaper pile is far enough, big enough or deep enough […]
To Marriage Therapy or Not To Marriage Therapy
Elizabeth Weil’s clever cover story in the New York Times Sunday Magazine, “Married With Issues” raises three critical questions for all couples: 1. What should couples expect from their marriage/relationship. 2. How can they tell if it is “good enough” as is or deserves attention. 3. What do they do about it? The answer is […]
Holiday Mayhem for the Coupledom?
One Big Holiday Down: No matter which holiday you subscribe to, whether it be Christmas, Hanukkah, Passover, Easter, Ramadan or Kwanzaa, holiday gatherings tap chords of joy and notes of challenge for the best of couples. This is when partners feel pressured to perform at peak, cooking, cleaning, decorating, buying gifts, setting up guest facilities […]
A Couples’ Challenge: Special Needs Children, Young and Adult
SPECIAL NEEDS: The term is used here to include children of any age with medical, emotional and/or cognitive challenges. This will be the first of several posts on this subject A PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL PERSPECTIVE: As a parent of a special needs young adult, and a couples therapist, I see firsthand the impact that raising, […]
Triangle Traps
No relationship is an island unto itself: There are in laws, children, friends, political parties, neighbors and pets, all of whom can serve up a poisonous stew of triangulation unless a couple is trained to look out for this vile brew. Typical triangulations are: a child and one parent talk negatively about the other parent […]
What we can learn about marriage from Michelle Obama
“The equality of any partnership ‘is measured over the scope of the marriage. It’s not just four years or eight years or two.’” Michelle Obama knows that every relationship is a work in progress. The New York Times Magazine article, “The Obamas’ Marriage” by Jodi Kantor 11/01/09, touches on some of the cornerstones of the […]
The Daily Challenge of Reentry
At the end of the work day, whatever the time, be it 6 P.M. or 12 midnight, a couple reunites under the same roof. How that reunion goes impacts greatly on the relationship over time, months, years. This is also true for couples where one partner travels and re entry may occur after a few […]
How to Accept and Enjoy Differences
Couples often are strikingly bewildered by their partner’s inability to feel what they feel and act as they do. It does not easily compute that this person, with whom I have chosen to spend my time, thinks so differently and behaves so “unlike me.” And the “unlike me” is the operative word here. The human […]
Knee Jerks
“He/She started it.” Couples are very reactive to each other. A mere word, look or slam of a pan can ignite the air and partners are off and running with a volley of angry words, tears and recriminations. These are “knee jerk reactions” that seem called for, but in fact, are exactly what is not […]
The Factor of TIME: Underrated and Overlooked
TIME is a most precious commodity. Yet TIME for the couple to be together is often overlooked and undervalued, each partner rushing to do his or her best at the socially prescribed “role” of parent, employee or community volunteer. In therapy, TIME for the couple is valued, precious, proscribed and imposed. Boundaries are firm and […]