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Aiming high to achieve what matters most: Connection; Communication and Mutual Respect

Triangle Traps

Triangle Traps

By Jill Edelman . 11/09/2009

No relationship is an island unto itself:  There are in laws, children, friends, political parties, neighbors and pets, all of whom can serve up a poisonous stew of triangulation unless a couple is trained to look out for this vile brew.
Typical triangulations are: a child and one parent talk negatively about the other parent (sometimes in front of them): one parent continually intervenes in the other parent’s relationship with their child, preventing direct communication between that child and parent (often the parent “thinks” that they are protecting the child); an in law or friend drives a wedge between you and your partner by seducing you to “take their side”, or asking you to make choices “for your own good”, that are not shared with or discussed with your partner: a sibling can do the same. All may seem well meaning. But all are asking you, indirectly, to put their needs before the needs of your relationship with your partner.
A red flag should go up: Any time you are pulled away from directly communicating with your partner because someone else seems to deserve or demand priority, this is the red flag of danger.  A regular diet of this behavior is injurious to the health of the Coupledom.
The best medicine: Sit down with your partner and lay out the dilemma. This can take courage but will get easier with practice. Ask your partner to help you problem solve. Then approach the party as a couple whose loyalty is to each other first at all times.
Faulty connection in the Coupledom: Partners who feel unheard, or lack the confidence to talk directly to each other about concerns, needs and feelings, turn to indirect methods of communication. This may indicate a faulty connection in the Coupledom. If this behavior is entrenched, couples therapy can provide the tools to extinguish the behavior, often handed down through the generations, and replace it with a direct, honest and more trusting form of couples’ communication. The health of any relationship rests on trust. Indirect communications, manipulations and confused loyalties undermine that trust.

Jill Edelman, M.S.W., L.C.S.W. 2012

Have That Conversation, The Coupledom, Triangle Traps

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  1. The Divorce Survival ToolKit for Children of All Ages « The Couples Tool Kit says:
    12/18/2010 at 11:41 pm

    […] 1. No parent is allowed to share information with me that I cannot share with the other parent. (i.e. no triangulation, see my post Triangle Traps). […]

    Reply
  2. Interracial and Interfaith Marriage: Triangle Traps? « The Couples Tool Kit says:
    06/09/2011 at 10:09 am

    […] Triangles In The Making: As I read along, I thought, what a perfect triangle trap for couples. In a previous post I described the dangers of triangulation, where a third issue, person, or passion becomes a […]

    Reply
  3. The Narcissist’s Stocking Stuffer: A Coupledom Alert « The Couples Tool Kit says:
    11/11/2011 at 2:37 pm

    […] putting a strain on your relationship?  Who can we satisfy? Who will we hurt or anger? (See also Triangle Traps.) “Are we turning on each other because we feel helpless and […]

    Reply
  4. A Smart Mother’s Day for The Coupledom « The Couples Tool Kit says:
    05/10/2012 at 2:53 pm

    […] In previous posts I have dealt with the tendency for The Coupledom to find themselves in a triangulated relationship that brings havoc to an otherwise happy home. Mother’s Day provides ample opportunity for just such triangles. Being pro-active as a couple to prevent this possibility means sitting down and talking about how to tackle potential complications with open minds, and the mom working hard not to personalize pragmatics while still feeling entitled to put her needs and preferences forward. This is a balancing act for all that takes some self-discipline, foresight, mutual respect and honesty. […]

    Reply
  5. No, You Are The Problem: Finger Pointing in The Coupledom « The Couples Tool Kit says:
    07/26/2012 at 2:48 pm

    […] and then I knew. Everyone else is to blame. Everyone sees themselves as the victim of the other. Triangulation was rampant and a family was moving toward collapse. Happens all the time. She quoted her husband […]

    Reply

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